the sunshine that surrounds me, and how i bask in it

ulysses is a good name for a person, not one that exists very much any more. at least, i have never met someone named ulysses...until yesterday. sitting in the opening bell coffee shop, in downtown dallas, i went through the craigslist pages for a mobile mechanic. my truck was dead in the water (not literally, but figuratively) and i needed to make it run good again. i went through these pages of mechanics but was hesitant to call.

i knew that it would probably cost at least $200, but it also could cost a whole lot more, and i felt that if i kept putting it off it would get cheaper. there is no rationale for thinking this way. eventually i wrote down a couple of numbers and went outside to start calling these mechanics. i dont know much about cars, so i am on the phone explaining noises to people that do know about cars. i felt kind of dumb, but i kept insisting that it was my starter that was bad. i left some messages, and finally got through to one guy.

i made the noises and explained what was happening to him, and he said that it didnt sound like a starter problem. but, he said, for $45 he could come to me right now and diagnose it and tell me how much it would be to fix it. i didnt like this fool becuase he didnt think it was a starter problem, but most other people did. so i waited. i went back inside and wrote down more numbers and then went to call again. and the first person i called was ulysses.

and he turned out to be a nice guy. it took him almost an hour to get to me, but when he got there, i fired it up and he said right away that it was the starter, that the teeth had probably worn out. who knew trucks had teeth? and do i have to rethink my belief that it is an inanimate object? questions questions. but then, he just got under the car and started working. he and his friend (who was involved in a threesome last night, fyi - he told me) worked quickly to take off the starter. ten minutes later they were getting back in their truck, with my starter and going to buy a new one.

i had a brief thought of how ridiculous it would be if these guys were actually scamming me and just came and stole a piece of my truck while i watched. so i told them that they better not be fucking with me. they assured me they would come back. it took them awhile, but they did indeed return. they both jumped right back under the truck and put on this new shiny $120 starter for my truck. this, again, was a quick procedure and after twenty minutes they were driving away with my old starter and $220. i was sitting there listening to my truck run smoothly and wallowing in my lack of funds.

its true, my bank account has dwindled to an alarming low and i think i will have to give up eating. it wouldnt be the first time, and i am sure i can only grow with the experience.

hmmm. there are a few concurrent stories that i want to flesh out here and i am not sure how to tackle them... okay, got it.

so, after they left i went back to the coffee shop and got in touch with my friend adam from dallas. our history is an interesting one, and - as per usual - not one that i am sure i have all the facts for. but first, the news. i got adam on the phone and he gave me his address, said that he would be home in an hour. so i sat in this coffee shop on the computer for a little while longer and i was approached by a slender black lady with a microphone. she started talking to me about some news story and she said she was looking for a laptop, and i was like "you want to use my laptop?"

but, she answered no. she wanted to shoot my laptop. and i was like, "you want to shoot my laptop, like, with a gun? i am kind of using it right now." she laughed and again said no. she was a news lady with the dallas 33 news team and the story was "do wireless waves cause harm" and she wanted to film me using my computer. i told her that was fine, but then she sort of crouched near me and started asking me questions. the camera came on and all of a sudden i was being interviewed for the dallas news. i thought it was hilarious. we talked for a minute or two, and i said some ridiculous things. in the end they used just a small clip of me.

i figured i had had my share of being famous and decided to cut out of there early to head towards adam's apartment. and it was a good thing i did becuase i was leaving in the throes of rush hour traffic, heading north from downtown towards the outskirts of dallas - precisely where everyone else was heading. i managed through bumper to bumper traffic for about forty minutes to go a distance similar to ten miles. not ten miles, but similar to it. and by the time i was coming up to his apartment complex it was dark and there was construction and i didnt really know what was going on around me or how to properly navigate to his location.

i pulled over somewhere, to get my bearings, and was set to call adam when the next portion of my twisting stories of the day finally gets some type time. it started on new years eve, the lady that i was with when i was ten years old, hannah carnell, found me on facebook and started chatting up a storm. since then, every time i have been online at the same time as her, she has typed up a storm of words to me. that was all okay, a bit overbearing especially because of some of the things she was saying. however, it started the night before that she found my number online and began texting me.

this, again, was okay - but not something that i was really interested in pursuing. i havent seen this person for about 20 years, so by my account she is just a stranger, a ghost of my past. true, part of this trip was meant to reconnect with my past and learn some of the things that i had forgotten. if i were still in indiana, i would be interested in meeting up with her and catching up on old times. but i have never been the type of person to keep a regular flow of communication with people that arent right around me. it is a shitty thing and i oftentimes feel bad about it, but i really think that life is full enough that i should direct as much of my being to what and who is currently around me. soak in the world and let it set.

and it was as i picked up my phone to call adam and determine where i was as compared to where was/i should be. i had a few more text messages from hannah, one of which said that i needed to "call her asap." now, i am not a very good phone person. i dont much like talking on the phone but i know it has its uses. this aversion to telephony is a big part of why i am not very present with people who arent around me. but, for whatever reason i heeded her request and hit the send button.

what i got was a tidal wave. i barely said hello before she went off on a tirade about her husband. seeing as though i barely know this person i hardly see why i should be an outlet for her to complain about the life she has found for herself. but i sat there and listened to it and then the reason why she called me came out. she believes that i am the opposite of her husband, he is grumpy and unhappy about life and - apparently - i am a ray of sunshine. then she began to tell me how i hadnt changed since i was ten years old and that i am still the same person.

these words are not the keys to my heart.

i beleive that i am a completely different person, 110% changed from whatever i was as a child. and i like it when other people notice as much. she was trying to be flattering, i am sure, but her intended effect was not being achieved. after a few more minutes of talking i informed her that i needed to leave this conversation so i could find my friend adam. i shook my head as if i had just gotten the chills and continued on with the life in front of me.

adam told me i was close, i had to drive a bit down the road and turn into a dirt road (because of all the construction) and i would be in his complex. i did as i was told and turned right at the first dirt road i came too. as it turned out this dirt road was not meant for my kind of traffic and i kind of just drove through the construction site. everything was alright though, i was in the complex. i navigated successfully with adams instructions and was soon parked and out of the truck.

when i met adam the year was 2005, we were both in austin to attend a conference mostly for the united states indymedia network. my interest in indymedia was certainly waning at the time, but this conference was a great experience for me. if nothing else it boosted my self confidence greatly. i had been working for the two previous years with portland indymedia and increasingly in the global network, but the more involved i got the more i realized that this system was never going to become what it was

this is not illegal.

intended to be. that there were too many differing opinions to shape a cohesive future. but, becuase i was heavily involved my name was kind of well known.

and, since the majority of this national and global communication happened via email this would be the first time many of us were meeting each other in person. like i said, i ate up the attention and really enjoyed the role. one of the people i met there was adam from dallas indymedia. he was a bit younger than me at the time...i think he was 17. actually, although the years have moved on the gap in our ages has remained the same. crazy how these things work. he ended up becoming pretty good friends with my good man arturo commando. and now, after almost five years i am seeing him again at his home in dallas.

and it is a really nice experience. i like catching up with my old people, and especially with adam since he is still pretty young it is nice to see what kind of person he is becoming. we sat in his apartment for awhile and caught up with one another and then he was set to take me out to an arabic restaurant for the friday night special manseh. manseh is a large piece of lamb over rice that has a yogurt sauce poured over it. it was okay, probably not something i would get again - i am

this is illegal.

not a big fan of yogurt sauce. after the meal adam ordered a hookah, strawberry flavored. i havent smoked a hookah since i was young and i wasnt very good at it.

when we were done there we came back to his apartment and played some rock band. this is not something i have played before, so i just watched him until he informed me that i could sing. i like karaoke and i likened this to karaoke. it was a bit different, because i am supposed to get the pitch right, but after a couple of songs i felt like i had a pretty good hang of it. however, by this time it was getting later and we were both tired. we watched some tv for a little bit before calling it a night. i slept on a mattress in the living room and it was pretty good.

i was up rather early in the morning and spent some hours while adam slept reading and enjoying the internet. eventually adam woke up and he took me to a vegan buffet. it had been a long time since i had vegan food and it was pretty good. then we were off to explore downtown dallas. we opted to take the light rail instead of driving. i thought that was a pretty good option, public transportation is not something i have spent much time on the last eight months. we got off downtown and walked to where john f kennedy was shot in his car. i had kind of forgotten about this event in history, but apparently it is a big tourist destination in dallas.

after that we went to the old courthouse museum and i gave my friend adam a lesson

just messin'

in sneaking. together we sneaked into this museum and then spent some time perusing the exhibits. it wasnt a very good museum, mostly because its layout was confusing. i did pay some close attention to the mary kay exhibits since a good friend of mine is related to her. then we were back out and on the train heading to the car. both of us werent feeling very well. i have a sore throat and am coming down with some sickness, adams allergies have been acting up and as i write this he is visiting the doctor to get some medicine.

and, finally, a general update for my trip. i have some plans for my movement in the coming days, and that movement will ensure that i get to 40 states before the end of this trip. that kind of became a goal awhile ago, and i didnt think was going to reach it. i figured i could only get to 39, and i started scheming a way to get to utah without burning too much gas but then i had a memory. as a technicality, i have already visited utah on this trip. that was on my first time around when i visited the four corners monument and i my body was in four states at once, so, mission accomplished.

my first road trip / the turn of fate / technical notes #10

	current cycle	total trip
miles	1481	16852
gallons	72.7	721.5
dollars	194.5	1866.2
mpg avg	20.4	23.4
costpg avg	2.68	2.59
days	23	245

it is hard to believe that just five days ago i was haunting a cold city in a warm bed with a beautiful lady next to me. but, there are many things about this life that i find hard to believe. as a matter of fact i find the whole idea of life a hard thing to believe. but thats not something i am set to talk about this day. this day, i am set to talk about little rock, dallas and my shitty truck.

i woke in little rock yesterday and it was pretty awesome. the feeling of somewhere that you have never seen in the light just waiting beyond some thin doors. i went to a coffee shop and sat there for awhile, writing. and then i was off to explore little rock. it is a place i have been before...and you know what that means! you will get to read some rambling story of a life that i existed in many years ago, one that i have a foggy memory of and then just make a bunch of stuff up. who is ready for that!

anyway. after the coffee shop i made my way to the natural first destination. as with any capital city, the capitol building is the first stop. capitol building are so easy to find and i like their architecture so much. i also like the mostly marble and limestone construction, the smooth cold walls and often ancient woodwork and craftsmanship. it is definitely a draw. so i drove and found the capitol very easily, i stowed some of my metal objects in the truck and set off up the hill to the building. thats another thing i like about these places, they are most often situated on top of a hill. very pretty.

the arkansas capitol building.

i have been to quite a few of these building on my trip and the worst part, generally, is going through the metal detectors. i carry so much stuff with me and i am just standing there unloading and then reloading for a minute or more while this police officer is just checking me out. it isnt enjoyable, but once i get inside i enjoy the experience very much. usually there is a guided tour, and those are the best, the guides will answer so many random questions and give the darnedest facts - things you would never think of.

but it wasnt so at this building, there wasnt a tour for more than two hours and i wasnt prepared to wait that long. so i took the booklet and embarked on the self-guided tour. it is much less interesting this way. in the shadow of the portrait of bill clinton i sat and wrote some postcards. long overdue, it has been months since i sent my last postcard and i have many more to write and send out. i meandered throughout the building but there wasnt very much to see in there. when i made it back to the lobby i asked one of the officers there about things i should see in little rock.

with some vague information i set off for downtown. my destination was riverfront park, my goal was to find "le petite roche" - the littlest rock. i dont think that is an accurate translation but in my searches i consistently muttered to myself 'where is the littlest rock.' and i carried on an internal debate if the littest rock was actually going to be a small rock or if littlest should exist in quotes and the rock would actually be quite large. these are the types of things i think about as i am walking around in random cities attempting to be a part of life.

as it happened, i never found "le petite roche" and i am convinced that it doesnt actually exist. later i learned that "la petite roche" wasnt necessarily even a rock, it was just the site where little rock was originally founded. i would guess by the french. but i have no substantiating evidence to back this up. what i did find was public art. and a lot of it.

i was pretty surprised to find so much in a place like little rock. i know that is assumptive, but i was surprised. the problem with public art is that usually i dont find it to be very good and certainly i would rather see cities spend money on things like housing than public art. i was in this place called peabody park and there were dozens of pieces of public art. the best of which were

the plane! the plane!

some sculptures of the transition of a piece of paper into something else. one went from flat paper to a paper airplane and the other from flat paper into an origami star. there were also little pieces like a horse, an owl, a lady with a rose, some things that i didnt really know what they were. and, amazingly, one of bob wad and his dad!

then i continued walking and ended up in the president clinton presidential park. i am pretty sure that is the name for it and that whomever named it wanted to make sure that everyone knew bill clinton was once the president. it is an expansive parks of rolling hills, right on the river, there is a large presidential library and a decommissioned steel bridge that runs right next to it. the bridge was really the best part. eventually they are planning on turning it into and walking path and that will be nice...as if i will ever see it!

something i was surprised to find is that little rock is also headquarters for the international martial arts association or something. they had a nice little public park with lots of art and chinese gates at the entrance. it was a tranquil little place that really has no purpose being somewhere like little rock.

then i went back towards my truck and had to make a decision. i could continue roaming the mean streets of little rock or i could head south. keep on trucking, as it were. it wasnt a very hard decision and i didnt think very long about it. i fired up the truck and set of on highway 30 west. towards texarkana. my plan was to get to texarkana - a moderately sized and well placed city - and enjoy a night there. i figured that it would be somewhat of a place, at least a waystation with, well, things to do. when i arrived i found that my thoughts on this matter were very far from the truth.

lets back up just a moment. somewhere on the way from little rock to texarkana i had to stop and refuel. and this went fine, i was getting decent mileage from these last few days of intense interstate driving, my truck was working hard and i was thankful for that. but when i tried to start up my truck again it made a noise. a protest against my persistence. the noise was, well, like this: screech! just kidding. when your car is already running and you turn the ignition it makes a screaming noise and this was the noise my truck was making - but i wasnt double starting.

i was unhappy about this development and chalked it up to how much work i was putting this beast through. i was hoping that a night of rest would set everything right again. and then i got to texarkana. i was fully prepared to stay here for the night, i exited the expressway and headed south on state line road towards what appeared to be downtown. texarkana is a strange place. it saddles the border between texas and arkansas (hence the name) and it is essentially a ghost town. the downtown area was a few larger building situated around the rail yard but these buildings were unoccupied and the windows were all busted out.

i found a place that i could park for the night, in case the truck didnt want to move again, and then set out on foot to explore this urban wasteland. i walked throughout the downtown area, and eventually to the coffee shop i was aiming for, the place i wanted to sit at it in the morning. however, this place has since closed and i became despondent. here i was with a shitty truck in a dead town in the middle of nowhere. i walked to the post office to mail my postcards and then sat outside for an hour or so reading. at least it was warm out.

with states like these, who needs enemies.

and then i decided i would continue to push on. i came back to my truck and forced it to turn over and got right back on that highway determined to get closer to dallas. i made it to sulphur springs and there i slept in some parking lot off of the expressway. i was still in the middle of nowhere, but it was here that i slept. in the morning i was happy that my truck decided to start again, even if it was getting rougher. back to the expressway.

i had about 70 miles before i would need to refill and dallas was about 85 miles away. i pulled off after about 50 miles, the exit had a hotel that i knew gave free wireless, so i went there and found a place to shoot for once i got into dallas - i didnt dare turn off the engine - and then i went to the gas station to fill up. and i turned the truck off. once the fill up was done so was the truck. it refused to start again. when i turned it over i just got a soft whine - or more like a soft shriek - from under the hood. by this time i had deduced that the problem was the starter. i dont know much about cars, but i whittled the options down to this.

i rolled the truck forward into a motel parking lot and sat there for a few minutes. i got out and popped the hood. i had done this at least three times since this starter noise had began. i still had no idea what i was looking at. i tried starting it again, same thing. i walked around the gas station and surveyed what may have become my new home. there was nothing around, just a random exit on the highway. i contemplated calling AAA and having them come get me and tow me into dallas, i weighed my options. and then i thought to give it one more try.

and voila, the truck started up. the double starting noise was back and i knew that i only had a few more starts in me so i hightailed it into dallas and found the coffee shop i was shooting for and a place to park that would allow me to leave the truck there for a time if necessary. and there it was, i found myself in dallas - for the first time since i was 17.

yes, i have been to dallas once before. it was actually the first road trip that i took - at least that is how i remember it. oh, the internet is such a nice thing. growing up in northwest indiana i always felt there was something more for me, the internet opened the entire world and i ate it up at the time. actually i still eat it up. and it was in my 17 year old mindset that i met a girl named robin on the internet.

we chatted all the time and i thought that maybe she and i would get along pretty good. she was cute, around the same age, and short. i like the short girls. she was short to the tune of 4' 10" and i guess we had some other things in common. i dont really remember too much of it. but i do remember that i was up for the challenge. my car either wasnt working or i didnt trust it enough to make the trip so i borrowed my parents car - the same car that i would steal about a year and a half later and move to new york with.

i highly doubt that i told my parents that i was taking their car to dallas, i didnt tell them much then. and i dont think that i wouldve been allowed to borrow the car if they knew i was going to dallas with it. this was in the summer, i wish i knew how much money i had or a few other details of this. i made the trip in one day, i am pretty sure. i did stop in little rock and in texarkana then, but i dont think i accomplished anything in either place at the time. i rolled into dallas and went to her house. i think she lived in denton but i am not positive of that.

like i said, this was in the summer. and it was hot in dallas. i have never been someone that loves the heat very much and i was instantly sweating. since i was in the car and there was no air conditioning, i decided that i would strip down and drive naked. i was a bit outlandish at the time and this made sense to me. no one could see my lower half, and the expressway was a parking lot. so i took off my top clothes and then wriggled out of my bottom clothes, all while driving on the expressway. i did leave my shoes on. i thought it was hilarious, but i dont think it is something i would readily repeat at this wiser age.

i do remember that the suburb she lived in - with her parents - was posh. i came up to the house and immediately felt out of place, i was wearing tattered clothes and was driving an old hatchback. but she came out of the house, probably perplexed at my arrival, and gave me a big hug. she was a very good hugger and i liked that very much. she invited me inside, i may have met her parents, but we went straight up to her bedroom. and i think this was why i came down there, i was expecting that we would have sex...and this was a big deal for me since i hadnt yet lost my virginity.

but instead, we just talked. probably if i were more confident i could have made some kind of move and realized the things that i wanted, but i am still sometimes dogged by this lack of confidence. i remember her room so vividly, she was very big into tori amos. i was not, at the time i was very much into punk rock and thought her obsession with tori was overwhelming. she was so short and sweet, what added to the effect was that she wore wings wherever she went. like a pixie.

i dont remember us ever leaving her house, but i do remember that i wasnt allowed to sleep over at her house. and that she had a mean boyfriend that she was in the process of breaking up with. so i would sleep in the car in a parking lot somewhere. i think i was only there for two nights. the first day and night was euphoric, we sat and talked on her bed and took a walk, she talked to me about her relationship with the wind and i thought that was pretty cool. the next day i came back to her house and we carried on but she started talking more about her boyfriend and said that she had to think some things through. halfway through the day she said that she needed alone time and asked me to leave her parents house. she said we could resume tomorrow.

my hope was waning. i didnt feel like we were going to get together any longer and i was starting to feel like an idiot for driving so far and so long for something that i wasnt prepared to engage in. and, i didnt know anyone or anything else in dallas so i wasted away the hours in a way that i can no longer remember. walking around downtown, i think i tried to go to a rodeo in fort worth. that night i parked in a parking lot again but it was so hot and the car was so small. so i opened the back door and slept there with my feet hanging out. i can only imagine how it looked. to someone else it looked like i was passed out or dead in the back of this car. and so the cops came.

i was roughly woken up by the police and gruffly informed that i could not sleep here. after they searched the car and determined i was not a threat they left, and left me with a warning. if they caught me again i would be arrested. my mind was stirring. there was a jack in the box fast food restaurant and i had never even seen one of these, let alone been to one. so i went through the drive through and got some food while i contemplated my options. things werent working out with robin, i wasnt having a very good time, and i was probably running out of money. so it was there in the parking lot i set my course back to indiana. i left at 3:am or so and powered through back to my home.

i think i slept for days upon my return. i regaled my friends with my story, i certainly made it into a tall tale at the time, i was prone to do that and no one would know the difference. i am sure i told at least a few people that i had sex with her while i was down there. and as far as robin and i were concerned, our friendship was over. i learned a valuable lesson about the internet: online personalities do not always line up with real life personalities. not that i wouldnt jump off that bridge again, but it was good to know that disappointment is a likely possibility.

i have never talked to robin again, but i wish i knew where she was now, or i had some way to get a hold of her. i would love to see how she turned out, and have her see how i turned out. i have long written this possibility off, i have no identifying information aside from a first name and a metropolitan area that she lived in during 1997. oh well. (and just a note about my lack of memory, earlier i made a post about "my first road trip" to new york with melissa. i think that was actually my second road trip. but, if not, then there are so many bad facts in here, it might as well just be read as fiction.)

and now i am sitting here, trying to find a mechanic to come fix my truck. it will probably cost in the $200 range...so there goes my food budget.

and the good is still good.

it was just a few days after i set my new high of miles traveled in a day that i broke it. yesterday i left alton, il and drove until the sky was dark with night. i drove until the snow fields gave way to crisp brown fields. i drove almost until i couldnt take it anymore. i drove about 500 miles from alton to little rock arkansas and i am the happier for it.

there was nothing much of note that happened over the seven hour drive. i just sat in the drivers seat and allowed the truck to power me through. a smile grew on my face and blossomed when i finally beat the snow. i was happy when i saw the mississippi flowing again. something that i have to not be happy about is the amount of gas that i burnt through yesterday. i when through almost two tanks of gas and it was the first time that i had filled up twice in one day. the $82 i spent had me wishing that i had gone to south dakota instead.

the second time i filled up, only 40 miles outside of little rock, i took a short break and used the internet to plan where i would get off the expressway for maximum benefit. i needed to do laundry and i was preparing for a cold night so, i wanted to do laundry last night to shorten the time i would be in the truck sleeping. i found a 24 place that was also near a coffee shop that i could visit in the morning. things were looking good. when i got to the laundromat and out of the truck i was hit with a warm surprise.

i had caught up with the weather i had been chasing. it was 8:pm and in the low 40's - sweater weather, my favorite weather. i did the laundry and then drove around for a minute to find a decent place to park the truck. this would be the first time in almost a month that i would be sleeping in the truck and i was nervous/excited. like coming back to an old lover - you know what to expect but it has been so long there is a possibility for surprises. i got in the back and it wasnt cold at all i sat above the covers for awhile, changing into my bedclothes and whatnot.

and then i tucked in and watched a movie in the back there and i was just so happy to be back inside my truck friend. i slept pretty well and was greeting with a warm memory in the morning. and this is a memory that i dont know how many people get to experience, something i have come to relish.

in sleep, i have no idea where i am. i dont recall my dreams very frequently and i would categorize it as just dead sleep. but in the morning, i pop right up ready to start my day. and the memory that i was able to have again was that of waking up in a completely new and strange place...but also a safe place. i knew that as soon as i got out of this truck a whole world that i have never seen before would be awaiting me. the safety and comfort of my familiar truck is a thin veil to the mystery and adventure that awaits me once i open those back doors and greet the day. i love it very much.

and life, thats good too.

oh friend, i trust you to look forward

and so, eventually i did leave chicago yesterday. i drove slow through the streets that i had come to know well enough to understand where i was...and not need to drive slow because i knew them. so i drove slow symbolically. or maybe habit, i dont know. all i know is that there was a pull to not drive away but the centrifugal force of the vehicle in motion won out the battle of wills. i found the expressway and headed east then south on interstate 55.

i will say this, my truck was happy to be driving for a long stretch at fast speeds. it was happy to get warmed up and have most of the ice fall away from it.

with my new friend dean, in alton.

however, gas has gone up since the last time i had to buy some. i dont know why, but i think it will be cheaper the further south i get or the warmer it gets.

i drove a stretch of about 300 miles, south to alton, illinois. i think it was the longest stretch of driving i had done on this entire trip - about 6 hours (there were some stops in there). i rolled into alton just after 6:pm and called my friend alison. it was strange to see her again. it was about 5 months earlier when i saw her last and so much had transpired in my life to get me to this point. i guess this is the beginning of the retrospective part of my trip. where i visit some places and people that i had earlier on this trip and try to reconcile who i was with who i am and become who i want to be.

or something deep like that.

i met alison at her parents house where she is staying for a week or so. she just got back from a trip to costa rica and is soon on her way to ireland. i certainly wasnt excited about the idea of staying at someone else's parents house so i had thought about just skipping over this place. or just stopping for a couple of hours and then driving on to little rock or dallas or something like that. but, she arranged for us both to stay with her friends liz and dean.

and so, after being at her parents house for a couple of minutes - petting the cat - we were of again heading to another strange house in a strange places filled with strangers. luckily i have this switch that i can turn on that will make me a funny person and fun to be around. i turned on this switch and fell into the favor of liz and dean rather quickly. i was only planning on staying in alton for two nights but by the end of our night together liz was offering for me to live in the unfinished basement of her house.

we were at their house for awhile, and then we went out to explore some alton establishments. we made a path to fast eddies. this is a period restaurant, and an alton landmark. the draw is that the food here is all the same price it was 25 years ago when they started selling food...the drink prices, however, have inflated. so we sat there for a few drinks, acclimating ourselves to one another and just having a good time.

after this i wanted to go to a place called norbs. i wanted this because they had been talking about it and tonight was 75 cent draft night. we were supposed to party this night - get wild - and i thought it would be an okay thing to get real drunk as a way to reintroduce myself to the hard life of the road. but, alton is a small town and the people i was with grew up here. which means that going to any bar (and there are only bars and casinos in alton) is a guaranteed invitation to spend some face time with the people you grew up with, went to high school with, and sometimes dont even like anymore.

nearly immediately upon arriving alison had picked out at least one person she wanted to avoid. dean had been a regular here before and knew a number of the patrons and the bar staff - he put on some butterfly wings and socialized a bit. liz spotted some girl who she had a spat with in high school (she beat up her fake baby in the see-how-well-you-can-take-care-of-a-fake-baby class) so she went to apologize for that. i found this entire scenario absolutely hilarious and fell right in. this being a small town, everyone thinks they know one another. so i fell into that and insisted that some people had met me here before and they fell for the rouse.

one of the people that i convinced we had met each other at this very bar a couple of weeks ago, my friend paul owens, was also the person that alison particularly did not want to see. i received some reprimanding looks for commiserating with this fool. we didnt stay there very long, i had played my favorite jukebox song but didnt get to listen to it. thats okay, the joy of the song is watching the people in the bar listen to it but i can content myself knowing that the tree falling in the forest will still make a sound if i am not there to hear it.

then we came back to liz and deans house and just hung out for awhile. we drank some more beer, they smoked some pot, and we just talked and it was fun. dean is a hilarious person. he reminds me of my step-father gordon albeit 25 years younger. he talks about some very random things and will just keep talking about them, even if no one is really paying attention. it is a good quality for him. he talks about random things like music and books. gordon focuses on the weather and sports, so it becomes very redundant and boring quickly.

something about being in the small town where everyone knows each other is the gossip. it is amazing, how in depth people are about people that are peripheral. who is married and divorced, birthdays, who got into a fight or is cheating on who. all of these things. i have never paid much attention to them, but i do enjoy hearing other people talk about these things. i find it interesting and funny.

bob wad

in the morning we played some wii fit. it was liz's birthday and she received this as a present. they set it up and we played this for some time. alison had gone to school and i was left alone with dean and liz - two people i had just met the previous night, in their home, alone. these are not situations that i like to get myself into, but everything was okay. being a morning person, i like to allow people to have their mornings with some sanctity. but here i was just hanging out. everything was okay.

when alison came back we went out for lunch and then proceeded on the grand tour of alton. the first stop on the tour was the statue and chair of robert wadlow. bob wad to those in the know. he has a statue and a chair because he is the tallest man in recorded history. and he was from alton. he stood 8' 11" and it is a fun tourist experience to stand next to this tall person and compare yourself. or sit in the very large chair and think about what you would say to such a tall man if you were to ever meet him. he died from a foot blister. strange.

after that we went to a cemetary to where there is a statue of an abolitionist newspaperman. then to missouri. alton is situated on the mississippi river at the

the antarctic ice wastes

missouri border. this trip was purely for my benefit. the mississippi had mostly frozen over and the surface of it looked as if you could walk across it. this was untrue, but the surface of the river was all jagged and like a frozen wasteland from the barges pushing through and shifting the ice. we went to an island preserve and i was able to get some good shots of the ice wastelands. it reminds me of what the ice wastelands from the mortal engines quartet (probably my favorite book series) would look like.

i had fun out here and was truly amazed by how thick the ice chunks were and the enormity of it all. after this we went to the square where lincoln and douglas had a debate. to refresh everyones memory, douglas won this debate. then to the piasa bird caves. the legend of the piasa bird is that 1000 moons before the pale faces arrived a great bird beast lived in this cave. it satisfied itself with lesser animals until some native americans stumbled into the cave and the bird ate them. then it had the taste for human flesh and all hell broke loose.

the piasa bird painting

eventually the native chief prayed and a solution to this piasa bird situation came to him. he would stand in front of the cave egging on the bird and twenty of his finest warriors would be in the wait - guerilla warfare style - to shoot the bird down with poison arrows. this rouse worked and the dying birds body cascading harmlessly into the river and sank to the bottom/floated away. convenient for them - no evidence left. however, the cave system was still in existence. dean and i shimmied around a fence and went on some amateur spelunking. i like adventure and was happy and scared to be in these caves. they were huge, and went very deep for a very long time. we only walked a couple hundred yards into them. there was detritus strewn around from the various parties of local teenagers and undoubtedly the population of people who called these caves home.

this was about the end of the tour. we drove past a mansion said to be haunted and apparently featured on ghost hunting shows. it wasnt very exciting. then we were back to the house. we played wii fit some more and then dean and liz went out for dinner to her sisters house to celebrate her birthday. alison and i hung back and after a little bit of hula hooping and other things we went out to do the alton bar scene. we went to the regal beagle where i ate the robert wadlow sandwich. we had a few drinks here and then we were on to the ranch house. we sat there for a drink and commiserated with the locals and then came back to liz and deans house to play some uno.

it took awhile to get the uno game started, what with all of these computers and the wii around. eventually we started the uno game, but we didnt play regular uno. we played some uno slap game that required a computer to tell everyone when to play and stuff. it was a bit confusing and not as much fun as regular uno. dean and i crapped out and then everyone was mad for a little bit. so we watched some late night television and spent more time on the computers. it is a nice change up to be here, a good start to life on the road again.

today, however, i continue heading south. my plan is to go to little rock, arkansas. i put out a feeler to a person i met from there a number of years ago, but after researching the weather i feel fairly confident that it is warm enough there at night to sleep in my truck if necessary. and i guess now i really start being on my trip again. these are real nice people that i got to fall in with and it is a great thing to regularly be surrounded by nice people and generally be taken care of. it will be a strange thing when i get back to "real life" and have to do something about it.

what do i want, i wish that i knew // i dont know the future, i wish that i did

i live this life and complete this journey with a heavy heart. i have sat and stared at this screen for the better part of an hour trying to find a way to put my thoughts and feelings into some cohesive update about this thing called life. for all intensive purposes i have been out on the road for eight months now, i have come and gone through hundreds of places and in a number of them i have met with my old friends or made new friends and my mind is clouded about my intentions and my future.

once an idea is set into motion the easiest and usually most logical action is to allow it to follow through that motion to its end. and so, i am leaving chicago. it doesnt get easier, it isnt getting easier.

lets have a review of the past days - this should be easier than finding and applying big words to veil my feelings. so. the other night i was excited, i had a good thursday night with my friend mike and his lady friend vicki, not my usual thing, but that added to its awesomeness. the next day i found myself still in the city of chicago, and since i was here i decided i should see this band that i had found on my trip and came to like very much.

the band is called mucca pazza chicago's own punk rock marching band. i got in touch with a number of my friends int he city and rallied them to attend what would probably be an amazing show. after a number of text messages and other communication i had rallied a number of people to the cause. satisfied, i went about my night. the show wasnt set to start until 10:pm and i had to occupy that time. however, halfway through my time occupation i was alerted to the fact that the show this evening was sold out.

i called the club and asked if they could sneak a couple of people through the back door. they laughed (it is always worth a shot to ask these silly things, the audacity of it has about an 8% chance of working and that is much higher than the 0% chance if you didnt ask), but informed me they didnt have a back door. i tried to call my friend diane to see if she could work some of her old contacts to get us into a sold out show. unfortunately she was in mexico at the time and nothing could be worked out.

so, i had to disband the troops and rework the evening. i went over to vaughndas and proceeded to spend the evening with her. we went to a bar in her neighborhood called the burlington. it had nice ambiance but i felt it was much too loud for its small size. the patrons werent very friendly either. at one point i got yelled at by a lady named robin because i was listening in on and even joining her conversation. but that is something that happens at bars, people mingle and meet one another. their conversation wasnt all that interesting, so i was glad when they walked away.

later we went back to her apartment and had a nice night of sleeping next to one another. this is something i have missed quite a bit being on this trip for so long so i ate it up. we had a nice morning and went back to the handlebar for breakfast. then we took a nice walk around wicker park. we talked about some of the building architecture and the unsightliness of new modern construction in old neighborhoods. this was something i had some knowledge about, having been the land-use chairperson for my neighborhood and helping to raise awareness about these new constructions and even fighting the designs within the city government. like a mini-politician.

we went into an art gallery and into a small bakery with ornate confections. it was just really nice to walk around for awhile with this wonderful person and share a day of life together. i was happy. later we went back to her apartment and napped together. i dont think i have ever napped with someone else before - napping is not something i am built for - but i enjoyed the experience. and then i left to go meet up with some friends.

these people, nick and heidi, are good people. i had been trying to get together with nick all week long, but he was summarily ignoring all of my attempts. eventually he admitted to having the sickness and this was the reason he isolated himself. i accepted his reasons, i was just happy that we got to see one another before i left. we went to the fireman bar near their apartment, just for a drink, and then formulated a plan for the evening and set off to actualize it.

that plan was karaoke. it is something that for most of my life i was deathly afraid of and readily railed against its merits. now, things are different. it is still sometimes hard for me to get that first song in, nerves, but after that first song is in i am all about it and want to sing more. we went to a place called the hidden cove. it is a little dive bar that features karaoke every night. and not very fancy karaoke. the books are at the end of the bar, you sign yourself up on a sheet and the bartender just yells out the names in the order they are written down and punches in a song.

there are two video screens and one microphone. the mic is situated center stage amid a laser show. i like that they arent even trying to be fancy. i did make my first karaoke enemy early on in the night. i was trying to enter in some songs on the list for me to sing, but he was hoarding the sign up sheet. i asked for it from him and he said that he was using it, but really he was jut flipping through the books. eventually he came over to me with the sign up sheet, but took over the book i had open to my page and started looking again for his song. this incident was a preview to how obnoxious he would be throughout the night.

he sang first-ish - he was the first i remember. he sang eye of the tiger, and had some gusto but did a poor job of it. quickly after that i was up with my first song, born to run! i had never sang this song at karaoke but have listened to it heartily in the style of paul baribeau and ginger alford. we video recording a number of our selections. i have wathed them and deemed them a bit too hilarious and of poor quality to post anywhere yet. maybe as easter eggs of the special edition dvd of my life. i went on to sing my way and the boys are back in town. nick sang i wanna sex you up and tennessee. we were kicked out before heidi had a chance to sing.

i wanted the fact that we were kicked out to conjure some wicked or sinister dealings that we engaged in to get kicked out of a dive karaoke bar. alas, it wasnt our fault - the being kicked out. at some point a lady was leaning back on her chair and caught herself - but not the chair - before it slammed backward and busted the front window of the bar. songs went on for about ten minutes after this occurred, but eventually the bar people said that it was hazardous and everyone had to leave, the bar was being shut down and an emergency team was coming to board up the window.

it was midnight, i was tired, but we kept on a little bit. we went back tot he black rock where i was staying that night. alex was just done with work and having a drink. so the three of us joined him. shortly mike tsirtsis showed up and we were all hanging out. it was nice, this was what i had been trying to make happen in the previous week to have my friends come together and all hang out. later, alex's ex-wife, tiffany, showed up. i hadnt seen her for quite awhile and the story of how they met is a part of our history and a funny thing.

and since i will never have another reason to recollect it, i will do it now.

oh, to be seventeen. i have written about my forays into the seedy night life of a teenager in northwest indiana. late night coffee shops and shows in the city. well, it happened one night that i was at the late night coffee shop with alex, and maybe some other people. at a table somewhat near us existed a group of girls from whiting. i dont think we knew them at all, but we had seen them there before. tiffany was certainly the cutest of the group.

she and her gang left before us. i had a recognizable car back in the day and an outgoing personality - i was arrogant. so it was easy for most people to identify me and my ride. and, by extension, the people that were with me. i know i write this as if i were some kind of mastermind of a group of indiana outcasts - the leader of the doomed. that probably isnt true, but since my memory is hazy and i have to write about these things we'll just have to live with my perspective on it.

as alex and i were leaving we came up to my car and found a note on it. it was under the windshield, on the drivers side, and i picked it up and read it. it was from tiffany. it said something about hanging out at some point and gave her phone number. i was elated by this, it is nice to be noticed. i let alex read the note and then we debated about who she left the note for. me or alex. i was dead positive that she had left the note for me, and alex didnt put up much of a fight on that point but he did make an argument. he said something along the lines of me being able to get any girl that i wanted (which is patently untrue) and he wasnt able too. he asked me to give him the note and let him call her back so he could ride along whatever wave this path of life offered him.

i acquiesced. they started hanging out and eventually dating one another. then they got pregnant, got married (i was asked to be the best man, but declined), got a house, had a kid, and got divorced. sometimes i still joke with alex that tiffany had meant that note for me and he should just turn over his son to me. 12 years later, i am sure alex still has that note somewhere. and although i have been gone a lot he is still a good friend. thats awesome.

so we were all sitting at the bar and just having a good time. the bar closed and we stayed on after close. we eventually called it a night around four in the morning. i wasnt very drunk, but i was tired and was elated about the evening. i had written that my day was so good that my night would have a hard time living up to it. the night put up a good fight.

and then sunday morning happened. i woke up late and went out to my truck. i turned it over and it started for a moment then died. i tried again and nothing. i was freaked out. were the gods toying with me saying ever so subtlety that i shouldnt leave chicago - they would make every effort to impede my progress? luckily the gods are no match for jumper cables. i took alex's car to my truck and jumped my vehicle, making it go. i was relieved. i sat at the bar for a little bit, mostly just resting on the couches int he back. i ate some breakfast and then showered - preparing myself for my final date with vaughnda johnson.

i had been thinking about it since i got up, probably since the night before, maybe even since i left indiana. that one day i would have to break off from this wonderful experience and keep going south. the knowledge of this impending end did little to lessen the blow of it becoming a real thing. she had a figure drawing class, and met me at black rock when it was over. we went out for lunch (i wasnt hungry, so i ordered the cheapest thing - menudo. stomach lining soup. i do not recommend it.)

after she asked me to come back to her apartment to neck with her for a couple of hours. i thought that was a good idea, and i liked that she asked to neck instead of make-out or something. she is a nice lady. and so we spent our final hours together, enjoying each other and having some wonderful bed talk. but it all had to end. it just had too. she had to go to a dance rehearsal and well, i didnt have anything to do. i drove her to the dance rehearsal. it was a generally quiet ride. i wasnt really at-the-ready with something witty or something that would change the fact that this was the last time we would see one another.

once we were at the dance space, we kissed a few times in the car. i did inform her that she was not getting away without some romantic embrace and kiss in the glare of the headlights and cold of the night. and then that was it. she walked to the door of her rehearsal space and i sat in my truck. i turned down the music and went back to the bar in silence. sigh.

at the bar, i found alex with his work friends. they were preparing to go out to eat somewhere, i asked alex if he wanted to just hang out with me. and the reason is because alex is such an awesome friend to me. he gives me a place to stay, helps to make my first date with vaughnda even happen, makes me food and is just my friend for better or worse. and since most of my time in the city i had been with vaughnda and he had been working, i thought it would be nice to just spend some time together, find some way to show my appreciation for him being a part of my life.

but we ended going out with his friends to a taco bar in wicker park. the draw, they said, was that it was very cheap and very good. living on a negative income, my idea of cheap is much different than these bar people who make $300 a night or more in tips. the tacos, small as they were, were $2 or more apiece. the beer was $3 a can. i ordered very little while the people around me ordered a whole bunch, they talked about work and i just sat there in silence. it wasnt much fun for me. but, i am not sure that any kind of group activity wouldve been fun for me.

by the time we had left i had spent $11 - which is a lot for me to spend on food. the three of them had spent about $120. including shots of tequila and whiskey that were $10 each. absolutely ridiculous. i was happy when alex dropped them off at another bar and i didnt have to be with them anymore. alex was going back to indiana so he dropped me back at the black rock. we sat and had a cigarette in his car. in my way i told him how much i appreciated his kindness and then gave him back his key. the end was upon me.

i went upstairs and gathered up my meager things, preparing myself for life on the road again. life in the cold heading into an uncertain future. who knows, maybe this time it will be different.