slow teeth = hot nights

so, last night was one of the stranger nights of this trip. the strangest, surely, involves my adventures through sioux city; amarillo, however did bring its own bag of tricks to the game. on the last leg of my trip i am only trying to go to places that have something specific for me. amarillo is such a place. some people that i am friends with in portland have a band called slow teeth and they are on tour, last night they played amarillo.

my plan, and it was a good one - i thought - was to surprise them. there is no reason i should be in amarillo and they certainly wouldnt have any idea that i was going to be there, so i waited for them to arrive. around 8:pm or so, i was sitting in my truck reading and waiting when a minivan pulled next to me and turned around, i stared into the window and knew that it was my friend brenna. i must've looked a bit creepy, and she didnt recognize it as me. so i finished up my chapter and went down to the golden light cantina to meet them.

this turned out to be a much harder thing than i was prepared for. i walked towards the show space and lurked around back, trying to make sure that the van i saw was actually from oregon and actually carrying my friends. once i discerned this fact i should have just announced myself and gave some hugs to greet my friends, but i got caught up on the presentation. they were milling about in front of the space about a half block from where i was, if i walked down this concrete path to them i would surely be spotted before i arrived to their group, and i didnt want that. what, there could have been some awkwardness, do you notice the people you know and run to them or continue to walk slow with a smile on your face, what if they are in the middle of some serious conversation and my arrival is less than what i had planned. these are the things i think about and i understand that they are irrational and somewhat creepy.

eventually, after peering around corners for a good five minutes, i figured out the best plan of arrival. i went around back and came into the back door of the space so i could then walk out the front door and be directly upon them. and, fortunately, this worked out rather well. brenna noticed me halfway through the bar and came inside to give me a hug and be surprised that i was also here in amarillo. we talked for a little bit, then she introduced me to the band people that i didnt know. i was curious, becuase there was a person missing. my friend rachel who plays the clarinet and the saw in the band was no where to be seen. i inquired about her absence and was informed that she ditched the tour back in california because she had to work! how dumb!

but she will rejoin it in the midwest. then we sat in the place for a little bit before going next door to the restaurant portion of the space where the band received free food. i had recently eaten and wasnt hungry, but we sat there for awhile, getting to know everyone and catching up, telling road stories and just having a real good time. it was the happiest i had felt since i was in chicago. (this doesnt take anything away from my friends in alton or dallas, but - and heres the thing - this reunion is my return to portland in a microcosm. all the fear i feel for coming back to my old friends was captured in this little moment and it all

welcome to my home, friends.

turned out well, the people that used to like me still end up liking me and the people that never knew me also end up liking me...a confidence boost.)

there was still a good bit of time before they had to start the show so we went back to my truck. and this was one of the best things. i had some whiskey in there (that i had bought oh so long ago in salem, mass) and they wanted to drink it. i figured we would just go back and stand outside the truck pulling off of this bottle, but one of them asked if we could all get in. there has never been more than two bodies inside the back of the truck, but i was down for this. so they starting to crawl in and i got in last, then i got out my christmas present from my dad - a very powerful flashlight that has three heads and wowed my visitors with its luminance. we all fit in there okay, and just drank whiskey and talked at my house. it was pretty awesome.

this didnt last very long though, we went back to the bar to hang out with some of the kids that helped book their show. jojo, erick, jimmy, jackie, and us all played some hot dice for a little bit. i had never played before and it took a bit to understand the rules. before we could all get the game and get into it the time had crept up for slow teeth to start setting up and be ready to play. the band got free drinks and brenna was nice enough to continue going up to the bar to get drinks for me so i could drink for free also. then they set up the merch table and just sort of waited for the crowd to fill in.

during this time they learned that the second band, mag seven, had canceled. but jojo did some quick footwork and got the local band "starkiller" to come and play after slow teeth. the bouncer went around and collected money from everyone and it became like a real show. i would later learn that this was the first show on their tour that was not a house show, and soon they began playing to the semi full house.

hello, doppelganger.

but! and you had to know i wouldnt get there this quickly. shortly before they played it was $1 pitcher hour and i bought a couple pitchers of beer to share, while i was doing this brenna met a local person. this guy went by the name of george. george and i have a history. by this time i had been in amarillo for about 30 hours, in that time - all earlier in this day - i had been mistaken three different times for this george person. once walking down the street, once in the coffee shop, and once when i was lurking around the corner spying on the band. brenna met him and then introduced the two of us as doppelgangers.

this was nice, everything was falling into place in amarillo. i was with an old friend, and made a bunch of new ones pretty quickly. i talked to george for a bit and then slow teeth got up to start playing. i went up to the stage area so i could take some video of their performance. they played acoustic and this bar was about half-full and a bit loud. so they invited people to come close to the stage and played their set. i recorded five of the eight or nine songs that they played. you couldnt hear them very well too far from the stage, this venue certainly wasnt the best for the way

slow teeth!

they place music, but they got about twenty people crowding up to the stage. and the people were really enjoying the music, it was certainly not something they were used too and the change of pace was appreciated. also, we were all spotted in amarillo!

after they finished they sold a number of cds and other merch and it was a pretty successful show - to my standards and i have no knowledge of what makes a show successful. then the next band, 'starkiller' set up to play. they couldnt have been more opposite from slow teeth, it was amazing - and not in a very good way, i would call them screamo pop rock. we sat through their set and it was okay, the best part was the video i was able to take of their merch guy rocking out to them!

and shortly after they finished up the show was over and people were looking for what to do next. brenna and the band were going over to jojo's house, thats where they were sleeping and a number of other people were heading that way too. it was late and i was up, i tagged along. we went to the apartment of erick, jimmy and jackie - just across the street from jojo's. and this was where the night started to get a bit strange. i have a sneaking suspicion that all of these amarillo kids are just 17 years old, they all look very young, and they had been doing shots from a handle of vodka all night long. there was about two fifths left in the bottle by the time we got back to the apartment.

the penny-farthing experience

it was a messy place, and i was unclear whose it actually was, but that was quickly sorted out. and then i saw it. the dream of my life, the thing that i have always wanted was just in front of my eyes. and i had to have it, for if not now, when? i had never been this close to the object of my desire and all i needed to do was perform a small repair. this, i think, is the first time on this trip i have utilized the leatherman that is attached to my belt for its proper purpose. but i picked that pedal up off the floor and amatuerishly threaded it back into the arm. and then it was fixed and i carried the penny-farthing down the steps to eternal glory!

this monster was certainly hard to get up on, but i used some knowledge of riding a tall bike to get up on it - i propped it against a light pole. once on it, going was another hard thing. my first attempt resulted in making it about six inches before falling over and twisting my ankle. lubricated with liquor, however, the pain was minimal. i got right back up to tame the beast. this time, i had robby give me a push off and there i was! living the fucking dream, in amarillo texas riding a penny-farthing for the first time down the dark streets. it was sweet bliss, and then i fell off again. but i was satisfied with my glory.

robby forever jumped on next and was much better at it than i was, it was fun to watch him guide it better - until he almost crashed into a car and then fell off! next brenna gave it the old try. hers was much like my first try, she got on, got the push, and then about six seconds later she was on the ground with her leg twisted in the bike. that was a pretty good fall she did, and she was satisfied with her moderate success. robby gave it another go and this time performed the

she is okay, dont worry.

proper dismounting procedure and we called our penny-farthing experience and carted it back up the steps. jimmy, thank you for making this happen for us!

but then we were back up in the small dirty apartment with the very young people who were very drunk. by this time two of the very young girls, jackie and erick had locked themselves in the bedroom with the vodka and were arguing or something. we went outside and smoked cigarettes, then came back and everyone was milling about in the bedroom just hanging out. the night went on like this for a bit until the band said they were heading with jojo back to his place to sleep. i had recently acquired a glass of franzia and decided to hang out in this place with these people until i was done with it.

the right choice? maybe not, but it was the choice i made and i cant go back on it now. i spent the next half hour or so trying to get jimmy into a dress and then he got yelled at and reduced to tears by one of the very young girls. so i shifted from badgering him to put on a dress to trying to cheer him up. to the room of three or four people, including jimmy, i sang "lets go fly a kite" from the marry poppins soundtrack - this received a few laughs (especially when i didnt stop after the first verse) but no applause. then i sang another song, but i dont recall what it was, i was just trying to cheer these folks up. and, i was in my most carefree attitude where i feel as if nothing bad can happen to me or go wrong, everything i say (no matter how scathing or ridiculous or just mean) seems to be taken the right way.

so i was having a good time, but then there was another drama freak out in the bedroom and jimmy was sad again, and i had to get out of there. i said my thanks and farewells and went out to my truck to call it a night. this was around 2 in the morning. i was drunk, and ready to sleep it off for a long time. but then there was a knocking at my door. it felt like only minutes after i had curled up to rest, but it had been a couple of hours. outside my truck was brenna and robby letting me know they just got kicked out of jojo's apartment.

i rustled myself up and opened the back door. this was not what i wanted to hear. apparently jojo's girlfriend came home and was pissed. she kicked everyone out, including jojo, and instead of staying longer brenna said they were just going to leave for oklahoma city. it was 5 in the morning. so much for brunch when we all awoke! i said bye to them and closed the door and started to try to go back to sleep. however, this was not easy. jojo, the ex-boxer, was pounding on his door. it sounded like he was going to break it down, and he was yelling.

"let me in, you bitch" "this is my house too" "open the fucking door"

and other things of this nature, these words were chorused with heavy pounding, some kicking and a few screams. i had a hard time trying to fall back asleep. part of me thought that i should remain somewhat conscious in the event he did break the door down and try to harm his lady friend, another part of me knew that i was mostly naked and still drunk and i dont have a good track record going against people looking for a fight. eventually i got back to sleep and woke to the amarillo sunshine, not feeling the best. but i dressed and peeled out of there quickly, i just wanted to be done in this town. and soon enough, this desire will be realized and i will head west on highway 40 inching ever closer to my future.

begging when the sun begins to blaze

things are wonderful here, just thought i would let you know. a couple of days ago it became apparent that the money that i had would not be enough to make it back to portland, it wouldve barely made me back to los angeles...and i did not want to be stuck in los angeles.

the reason for this drastic and rapid lack of funds, clearly, was my dumb truck being shitty and breaking down. and so i had to do something that is not very easy for me - i had to ask for help.

help has been offered to me a couple of times. before i left on this trip both emily and steve implored me to call on them should i require aid. i quickly wrote off emily as a viable option, since she barely has enough money for herself. my dad has suggested that i borrow money from him a couple of times, but i parlayed. just the other night my mom even offered to send me money, but i called her on her bluff. i knew that she didnt have any money either.

the reason why i have been offputting is becuase this trip that i am on is a choice

steve and i have been friends a long time. this, however, is the only time we have kissed.

that i made. true, the idea of it wasnt my own, but it was my choice to embark and continue with it. and, overall, it has been a great choice. some things in my life have been broken and will never be repaired again, but there are more things that i started building on this trip to make up for the broken things.

and so, the other day i sucked up my pride and asked steve to loan me some money. throughout my life i have been pretty self-sufficient. in my adult life i have never asked for money from my parents, and really i have never asked them for much assistance. their unconditional love is worth too much to me to even consider giving money the chance to muddy the waters. however, i have had to borrow money a couple of times in my life.

when i moved to olympia on a whim and with no prospects my money ran out before my job was able to fill the gap. i borrowed a couple hundred dollars from steve. and, again, later that year i borrowed money from steve to buy a plane ticket back to new york to go to my friends art opening. i am pretty sure that i paid him back both times, if not he hasnt been overbearing to get his money back.

and so, i asked to borrow 1000 american dollars from him and today he agreed to my request. the terms are still being worked out, and i want to make them very clear. this is a whole lot of money - more than i will need - and i dont want our relationship to suffer at all because of money. that was actually the hardest tangible to account for while i was writing him to ask for cash.

but that is mostly over with. now i just need to make the most of it. in celebration for not having to micromanage every penny spent i ate lunch today. dont worry, i wont get in the habit of it.

and so, anyway, now i am here in amarillo texas. i am in the panhandle, i think, for the first time ever. it is very warm here. i spent this day walking all around

ahhh! i am on the ground! in amarillo!

the city, maybe three or four miles and i was sweating. it was almost 70° and i still have two jackets, pants, and long socks on. i am an idiot - you heard it here first!

i walked from the historic route 66 area (where i am "staying") down to the amarillo museum of art, it is a free museum and seemed close enough in the only slightly warm morning. that was a pretty boring art museum. then i walked back up into downtown and then across town to my truck, i was thirsty. along the way a man on a bike asked me for spare change, and i told him that i didnt have any to spare.

so, and this has never happened before, he pulled out a pocket of change and asked if i wanted some. i told him no, he should keep it, but then he just threw it on the ground in my general direction and rode away. i walked a little bit away and then turned back and picked up all the change. i am not above that. then, however, the guy found me walking again and rode by semi-fast and said something unintelligible to me. these amarillians are strange indeed.

and now, now i am just waiting. i am here for a reason and i need that reason to happen. tomorrow - albuquerque.

death and these dumb memories of it / hey! i am in oklahoma city!

the reason i try to write every day is because when i wait a few days everything gets so backed up and starts to become one big jumbled mess in my mind. even though nothing really happened in the past couple of days. the hardest is for where to start, do i just act as if the few days where nothing really happened didnt really happen at all and then i have this two day void in my life as if those days were just as good as two days dead?

well, thats a good enough start i guess. i dont know very many dead people. earlier on this trip i learned that the girl i went to prom with is dead. we were never very close and there was no reason that the knowledge of her not being alive anymore should provoke any type of emotional response. when i was in high school some kid committed suicide. i didnt know him very well, but i felt bad about it. he was a popular kid and i remember thinking that popularity or perceived success in life does not automatically quell the things that work inside a person.

and then there was my grandmother. i think she died in 1995, she was the closest person to me that has died in my life and she is the reason i am here in oklahoma city right now. my grandmother, mary conner (aka "the lady in the red hat") was a softball mogul. i dont really know what that means, but she was instrumental in making girls softball a thing in the state of indiana and some say that she had a

the softball hall of fame

hand getting it into the olympics. i havent found any mention of this, but i believe it because it is a good story to tell.

when i was younger, 8 years old to 11 years old maybe, i would go with my mom and my grandmother to oklahoma city every year for the national girls softball tournament. my grandmother was a mover and a shaker, my mom was her back up and i, i was a batboy. although i dont have very many memories from this time i do think these were good times. i have written before about how i was the forgotten child, i was made fun of alot, and i had really poor self-esteem. confidence was not a word that registered with me.

but, these traits were most obvious when i was in my normal arena and specifically around my brother. these summer trips to oklahoma were the beginning of an awakening for me. even at this young age i knew that i wasnt happy about my life and something needed to change, at the time i am sure i expected that someone else would change things for me and in a way that is what happened. here i am, an overweight and shy little boy thrown onto a field to chase bats for young fit girls between the ages of 12 and 17. they thought i was cute, not cute in that they wanted to get with me, but how awkward i was.

i became "friends" with some of these girls and started hanging out with them in the hotel and away from the field, it was a major confidence boost. i assumed that these were just very outgoing, caring young ladies but i think i had a devil-may-care attitude even when i was a small boy, i have never had much to lose in life so taking things to the extreme edges and testing the boundaries have never been out of the question. i had a secret life in these week long summer trips that i would take with my mom and my grandmother and this awakening was just what i needed.

not that it translated much into my regular life, coming home i was still the same shy little boy, but now i had a secret. not just a secret but the knowledge of a secret self. i started to develop the idea that things would be better there, rather than here...instead of standing up and making what you want for yourself wherever you are. and i guess i started to get the idea that i could always run away to someplace new and make things work. i have spent many years trying to overcome this; but, although i know things there are the same as things here, i am still tempted to just pick up and go wherever there is for that initial burst of change, the flavor filled first few months.

anyway, all that talk is too much about life, and i am supposed to be talking about death. eventually i became more aware of my attraction to girls and got to an age where i was more apt to act on it however long a shot it would be. and so my position on these summer vacations was taken over by my little sister. that bitch (i am kidding). life would go on as normal for me (normal being unhappy about life, unsure of myself and unaware of the power of change that i possessed) for the next few years until i got another chance to spread my wings away from where i grew up. this was the trip i took to europe in the summer of 1996.

but before this happened, my grandmother died. i dont remember when, i think it was 1994, i dont remember how i heard about it or really anything. all i know is how my dad feels about funerals and death. and, by extension, how i feel about funerals and death: not worth it. i dont have a strong belief system, i dont think that something better happens to a persons body or soul after they die, i just think that people go into a wooden box and then a concrete box and then get covered by some dirt while people around cry and pray.

i know, it is a shitty outlook, but i have no reason to think otherwise. and so, when my grandmother died, i didnt want to go to the funeral. at the time i wasnt looking back on my sweet summer vacations with her, surrounded by a bunch of young girls that wanted to show me the way of the woman, i was probably just thinking that this would be an afternoon that i wouldnt be able to play nintendo and i was not happy about that. but i got dressed in a kid suit, and went to the adult funeral home and listened to some people speak. i milled about, i think i went outside to smoke cigarettes (i know, what a bad kid - and what bad parents!) and i was confronted with my cousin ezra.

ezra was adopted into the family, maybe a year or two older than me, and he was crying. i couldnt comprehend, i looked at him and put my hand on his shoulder and he asked me why i wasnt crying - i think i told him that the grief hadnt hit me yet (more probably, i said something like i dont know, or nothing at all, who - at 14 - knows that grief can be suspended, seriously). but really i just wanted to get away from him. i didnt feel anything. i didnt feel love for my grandmother, aside from the summer vacations we werent really that close, i didnt feel sad that she was dead and i would never see her again. i felt nervous, all around me people were crying and showing grief, and i was just waiting for more people to notice that i wasnt feeling anything and for them to be mad at me.

so i walked away. i walked down the alley for awhile and came back later. i willed myself to cry and to feel bad about this situation, but i just couldnt do it. this was my first taste of my lack of emotion, my first taste of my more realistic and analytical temperament rather than an emotional temperament. and then i proceeded to go through the majority of the rest of my life not feeling emotion. it has gotten me into plenty of trouble in relationships, for sure, but it also helped a good deal when i was working with protest movements and in other stressful situations.

but then i got into this real good relationship that kept going for a long time and emily was much more emotional than i was, through our years together we helped each other level out a bit. she would sit me down and keep me talking until she got to what my emotional depth was, what i was really feeling and while i never really liked these conversations they helped me become a much more rounded person, she helped me to feel more like a person. and i am pretty grateful for that.

and then came the next funeral. fast forward at least a dozen years, i am in portland, living with emily at the mississippi co-op and we are out on a walk. i receive a phone call from one of the people that we live with that one of our cats was just run over and is now dead. at the time i was calm and collected, i didnt want to let emily know because she would burst into tears and become an emotional

my cat friend, warren

mess, my calculating nature knew that this would only worsen the situation. i used business like words over the phone and we continued our walk. but i couldnt handle it anymore, i couldnt walk and talk with emily letting her know that our little cat friend, warren, was now dead.

and so i told her, and she proceeded to breakdown. i was still calm, everything was okay, it was just a dead cat. i called our friends back and asked them to come pick us up - we wouldnt make the walk back. during the wait for the ride and the ride back i was comforting her, but i was like a stone wall. i was determined to treat this as just a bump in the road of life. we got back to the house and all of the people we lived with that were home at the time, were out on the front steps in various states of grief and i was still okay. we walked into the door and towards the back porch where our cat friends body was. and this was when i lost it.

i had never cried so hard in my life, right now, typing this years later i am still overcome with emotion over this death - crying in some dumb coffee shop in oklahoma city. emily was petting warren's lifeless body but i didnt want to touch him, that would make it more real. he was such a good and loving cat but to feel his cold body and not have it respond to my touch would be way too much. we sat there crying over his body for awhile and then we had to do something. i got a shovel from the back and we went back out front. i dug a deep hole next to the front steps, crying the whole time, right in the middle of the hops where warren liked to lay.

then we put his body in there and covered it up. later that night our other cat friend, olympia, ripped out a number of her claws as a way to show her emotion over losing her brother. all sad things. its strange, when i started writing this, i had no intention of writing about warrens death. i was only thinking about people that died and i was going to write just about my disaffection with death, but then i remembered this and it all came pouring out. more well roundedness, i guess.

and so, to commemorate my grandmother i came to oklahoma city. because here there is the softball hall of fame where she was inducted, posthumously. when i got to the hall of fame i immediately recognized that this was also the place i would come as a child. this field and the sculptures, so i walked around the grounds for a good while, taking it all in. then i went to the hall of fame itself, i was under orders from my mom to take a picture of my grandmothers plaque, but the hall of fame was closed for remodeling. fortunately there wasnt anyone around, so i just slipped into the museum area that was under construction, i found where the hall of famers had their plaques but hers wasnt there.

i assume it was becasue of the place being under construction. i went ahead and walked around the place more and then i left there for good. thanks for all the childhood memories.

oklahoma capitol building

after this i headed to the state capitol building. i cannot write enough about how i like these places, i ditched some metal in the truck and then went on in through the security gates. i had to wait a few minutes for the tour to start, so i milled about the second floor and eventually jumped on the hour long tour. the mot interesting thing about this capitol building is that it was drawn up to have a dome, but when it was being constructed they ran out of money for it so they just capped it without a dome, just a regular roof. it probably looked very silly. but then, in 2001, the push to bring the building to its full glory decided to ask for funding to finally build the dome. with money mostly from private donors, the $22 million for the dome construction was raised and the work started. the result of this is a nice dome and inside there are inscriptions of multi-national corporation like "monsanto" and "general motors." crazy.

now i am done here in okc, probably forever. so long!