I Live in a Pick-Up Truck

This was a nine month journey of self discovery. I left Portland in May 2009 and returned in February 2010. I used this travel as a tool to regain self-confidence and a good perspective on the world. It worked.

Friday, November 6, 2009

all you are left with are your dreams. or your nightmares.

i slept in my truck last night. it seemed like the best thing to do, allow some space and remind myself that i am still "on the road." i will need to get used to being back there, this is a way to ease it on in. it was nice being back there, it is cozy and it felt like home. a slight bit cramped, but thats how it is.

in the morning, i went to the coffee shop, to wake up a little and just have a space to use the internet, and work on a mix cd for muna. also, i had run my battery down to nothing last night because i fell asleep watching a movie. it wasnt very good. while in the midst of making the cd, muna walked up on me and we talked a little bit. we are still on for karaoke tonight, which will hopefully bring back that spirit of joy that had been pervasive for most of my time here in richmond. then she went to work. shortly after that i moved on from there to look for a place to lunch at.

it's funny, i was driving along thinking of my future and all of the questions that have been raised in the last days. and i said to myself, at least this truck is still doing well. this thing is keeping me going and that is a welcome surprise. as if on cue white smoke starts billowing from under the hood. i pull over as expediently as possible and cut the engine. sitting there, i could see smoke in the cab as well.

just my luck.

i got out and opened the hood, a rush of smoke came out and i quickly located the problem. some hose on the left side had become separated where there is a hose clamp. i also noticed that my oil cap was missing in action. so, i didnt know what the hose was for, the liquid around it was green so i assumed it was antifreeze, but with the oil cap gone and oil sputtering about inside there, i thought the worst.

i reattached the hose clamp and the hose - with my trusty leatherman - hoping that that would be enough of a fix until i could find an auto parts store. there was a large box hardware store in front of me and i assumed they would have an auto section so i gingerly pulled up in there and went to inquire about my truck. there is no auto section, but they pointed me in the direction of some auto parts store, about a mile away.

i looked longingly at my truck and hoped that it would make it. it did, i pulled into the first i saw but they wouldnt come out to diagnose my truck with me so i pushed on to the next, an autozone. i was pretty sure that they come out and help you with your vehicle so i pulled in there and got some help. a guy came out with me and assured me that it was antifreeze. i also found the oil cap then, it was stuck to the roof of the hood, not stuck, really just lodged up there. i pulled it out and put in back on. that was excellent.

the guy told me i should buy some new hose clamps, some more antifreeze and was pretty sure he had the power steering cap that i was looking for. so we went inside and purchased these things. i installed the new hose clamps and that seemed to be taken care of. then i got the power steering cap on - a great success. then i moved to the antifreeze and started pouring it on into the radiator. i poured the whole gallon in and the radiator wasnt full yet. i didnt know if it needed to be full or how full it ever should be, so i went back inside and the guy helped me again.

i had to buy another gallon of antifreeze and spent almost $30.00 in there. that sucked, because i wanted to spend no more than $40.00 for the rest of my time here in rva. looks like that plan has gone out the window. he showed me the proper way to add antifreeze and we got the radiator full with some left over. i thanked him and moved on. although this incident wasnt something that i wanted, it offered a perfect situation to lift my spirits.

something unexpected has come up in my life and i need to do something about it. i use my better judgment and care to ease through the situation. i find help along the way and then apply the remedies. in the end this unforeseen situation has been worked through and all parties come out on the positive end. a necessary feel good story for the day.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

happy guy fawkes day!

well, shit. i had a tough day today. and, i guess, a tough night. since this is my journal and i have to write the things that have happened and how i reacted to them - you know, character development - i have to find a way to write these things. so...

1. last night, in facebook, i found my first girlfriend. melissa medrano. i have been trying to find her for the last ten years or so, all to no avail. i have employed some creepy methods but mostly just random internet searches. i did one of those last night and found her in jacksonville, florida! i was excited becasue i am headed that way (what a coincidence) so i asked her to be my friend and wrote her a mail.

2. i talked to emily for the first time in awhile last night. it wasnt the greatest conversation, in part becasue it was short and also because we actually talked about things. more happened than the words i will write here, as these words or my recollections and we all know that they are poor recollections. i put myself out there and told her that i wanted to have a kid when i got back there. this is something we had talked about before and even made a plan for, but then this happened. she told me that she is currently thinking that we shouldnt even move back in together when i get back. talk about a welcome home.

3. this morning muna and i had a long talk and she told me she was attracted to me. the conversation we had about that was very similar to the talks that emily and i would have. again, my words are poor and this is from my point of view. i said that i wasnt interested in pursuing a realtionship with her greater than friendship. currently i am unsure where we stand, but i hope that we can come out of this still being good friends.

4. instead of accepting my friend request, melissa blocked me. i swear that whatever i did to her does not deserve the shitty treatment that i am receiving. especially because it all happened 11 years ago when i was a young dumb kid. now i am just old and dumb. not a very good consolation prize.

this life...

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

the end is nigh

i am sitting in a coffee shop trying to find my old friend from middle school, listening to a live show of harry and the potters, and loving it. the old friend i am trying to find is named gerimy haines. he was a good friend when i was 14/15, we stole a bunch of things together and got caught. then he moved to oklahoma and wrote me a postcard about the government owned plots of marijuana. that was probably 1997 or 1998. i havent heard from him since. i dont know why i started thinking about him, but i cant find him anywhere, so, if you see him mention my name.

oooh pretty.
i am still here in rva and it is still great. i plan to leave on monday and this will be the second longest stretch of staying in one place. the first longest being indiana. so, it makes sense that this will be a turning point in the trip. the natural end and then forced self-discovery, and then the damage done. all of this in the dirty south. i have been thinking about where to go from here, quite a bit. i am going to head south to gainesville.

i think i am going to stick to the coast, but still may head inland and hit up some tennessee and western north carolina. i dont know. i am also flipping around the idea of going all the way down florida into the keys. it was an early goal of the trip, but when i look at it on the map it seems like it is just too far for too little reward. i will continue thinking about this one.

today, i received my last payment from the state of oregon concerning my unemployment. i have about $1800 to last me until this trip ends. i think i can make it last, and i will try to supplement this with some odd jobs from craigslist wherever i am. it is a bit liberating to know that i am out of the shadows of the state now, i no longer have to worry about being called in to their offices or being caught on the road or something.

now i have this new set of worries concerning money. luckily, i have never really been concerned about money and will not let this affect my journey very much.

yesterday i finished my tour of the holocaust museum and was still horrified by what i saw. i also split some wood in the backyard, which was hard. it was such a beautiful day. i alternated having my hands around the axe and around a good book. it was a nice day. then we had a nice dinner prepared ny r.j. (these people are so nice to stay with) and then muna and i had some more talk time.

the previous night we sat in her room talking about things and listening to music and it was really great. we have been having really good conversations each night since she has been back and it just feels good to know that she is my friend. we also watched a movie last night. we deliberated with netflix for a time to discover the perfect movie, and we settled on the awesome film "man on wire." i have seen the
who knew they built pyramids in the south!
movie three times now and read the book. while i was nodding off in during this watching, it never gets old. such a well done film.

today i had a lazy day. i woke up late and sat outside reading again for awhile. another beautiful day in richmond! then i was ready to undertake my day - i planned to check out the art museum. i found it but it was closed for renovations! boo! so i found an alternative day plan and went to the hollywood cemetary. this is where many virgina notables are buried, including some u.s. presidents, jefferson davis, other politcal people from virginias history, and 10's of thousands of confederate soldiers. they have a pyramid, erected by the daughters of the confederacy in memory of the fallen.

i drove around in the cemetary for awhile, but i just dont get cemetaries enough to have really appreciated it so i left for greener pastures. literally and figuratively. i went to the maymont nature conservatory and got a bit lost along the way. but when i found it i was happy i did. it is a large pretty open space that is, well, a nature conservatory. and partly a zoo. they have caged animals that are native to the region, such as: eagles, owls, a fox, some black bears, elk, deer, and some others. they also have some gardens and such.

oooh pretty.
really, it was just a nice green space that was so quiet. i could hear some planes every now and again, and the highway sometimes, but mostly it was just birds singing in the fall. leaves covered the ground, the black bear paced along the walls, the horse neighed, and everything was right. except of course the signs that near the animal pens that read "wild animals are dangerous, please do not feed these animals." clearly a caged animal is no longer "wild."

i walked all along the grounds and it felt very good. the air was crisp but the sun was out. i just wore my vest and my arms had a pleasant tingle but overall i was warm and just loving it. i could live here. and be happy. there is so much to do, i doubt i will get through it all even though i will have been here almost two weeks by the time i leave. amazing!

Monday, November 2, 2009

the hundred words war

well, here we are again. i have been staring at this screen for awhile, trying to think of a way to write...and i am coming up short. it has been a couple of days and well, here is the problem. the things that have happened in the past few days i have already relayed to muna. so now, writing, if just feels like i am repeating myself and it makes it hard for me to find the drive to write.

damnit. i am actually not unhappy about this, because i would rather spend my time and original energy for stories talking to another person than typing on a machine. but i will persevere and find a way to pound out a couple hundred words.

saturday was halloween. i spent part of the day trying to convince myself to dress up, but the other part reminding myself of my worst case scenario. that scenario involves me in a room full of strangers feeling completely out of place and terrified to talk to anyone. then i become the person that is dressed up and has a big read beard but is sitting a corner sulking. no one is talking to me becuase they dont know me and, in my fear, i look scary to them.

so, i didnt dress up. i spent the day doing something else as well, but i am not sure i remember it. i did go to chimborazo, a civil war musuem about the hospitals in and around richmond. the largest was chimborazo, and although none of the buildings still exist, there is a building on the site that is the musuem. it was small, but had some nice artifacts and stories of the war. stories of field amputations with hacksaws. there was also a 17 minute movie about chimborazo and richmond hospitals. it was free, and worth the visit.

eventually i was back at muna's continuing the costume debate when i got a text message asking if i was going to be at jlaws around four. i said sure, but hadnt checked with jen about it or knew a reason why to be there or, really, knew where her house was. i had some vague directions and an address. shortly after four i drove over to that address, except the address i had written down didnt exist.

so i walked around her neighborhood for awhile and responded to the person who texted me saying that i didnt really know where jen lived or why i should be there. she then responded that there was a small potluck, invitation only (apparently), happening at her house to celebrate her birthday. i wasnt invited to this and quickly felt out of place standing and walking around on her street, without a reason or knowledge of where she lived. so i got in my truck and drove away.

then jen called me and asked if had just parked near her home and then walked around and drove away. with my head down and a sheepish voice, i said yes. it turns out i had parked almost right in front of her house. so i turned around and went back, i felt a little bit bad for inviting myself, but it ended up working out. there werent any people there yet for the potluck and she didnt mention that i wasnt formally invited. that was nice.

so she and i had a beer (fancy beer in a can) and some other folks showed up. also, i met her housemates. i do not recall many of the names, but one of them was sean. sean i had met while i was in rva in 2004. i had completely forgotten about him and wouldnt have been able to even say that i met someone named sean until i saw his face. and then i remembered him and the place that he lived and riding my bike there and a number of other things. facial recognition is a strange thing.

but it was nice to catch up with him. he homebrews so we chatted about that for awhile. i was feeling better about being there, but everyone else was dressed up and that made me a ittle uncomfortable. shortly thereafter my new friend (or soon to be new friend), robert showed up. i had never met him before but throughout the night we became buddies. he also wasnt dressed up and i felt more comfortable.

about four more people came and then jens parents came and we sang happy birthday and had cake and ice cream. i didnt have cake or ice cream, but they did. then we hung out there for a bit, had some beers, a few more folks came, and we plotted for the evening. richmond has a yearly unpermitted halloween parade and that was our next destination. we took a number of cars there. i didnt really want to leave my truck because i didnt know when i would see it again, so i drove and two other cars drove.

the march was just starting by the time i parked and it was pretty good. it felt like a protest march at night. there were large puppets and many folks dressed up, a drum corps, a marching band, and an old timey band.
the old timey band!
i jumped in the march near someone i knew and just in front of the old timey band. i wanted them to stop and call a quick square dance, but that didnt happen. also, i had pocketed some beers so i couldnt really dance until i got rid of them lest they become shaken and unusable for hours.

so i found jlaw and robert and gave them my last two beers and by then i had lost the person i wanted to square dance with. oh well. the march was ending soon and congregating in a park. i had no idea where i was. i hung out there for a bit with jen and her folks, the marching bamd played a song, then the drum corps played some songs. jens folks left and she and i met up with some other folks that had come down from new york for her birthday. the four of us went to a package store, bought a six pack and then to roberts house to hang out for a bit.

we ended up just sitting on his porch, talking and drinking for an hour or so. then we started thinking about going to get the party started. jen was having a party at some location that was unknown to me. she went with her new york friends and i was left with robert. he was going to toss his bike in my truck and then guide me to where ever we were going. so we walked from his house, to the liquor store, to a cafe (so he could 'say hi' to a girl he was sweet on), and then finally back to my truck.

we were the first people at the party. it was awkward. but it was also a better scenario than if we had shown up into a full force party and i was cut loose without knowing anyone. this way, i got to meet the person whose house it was, and all of the first wave of people. so it was intimate and allowed me to feel comfortable in the space and in the light before being cut loose. on the drive over to the party i talked to robert about my life and my trip. i am getting better at these things. i think we became friends then. we'll see if he accepts my facebook request (fingers crossed!)

so, we partied. i met some folks as they arrived and did a good job keeping upbeat for awhile. eventually, however, more and more people broke off into a few circles of talking to one another and i didnt feel confidant enough to break into one. so i sat on the porch in the cigarette room, where it was easier to have conversations but also hell on my lungs. i danced a little, and mingled where i could. i didnt drink very much. after i drank a beer i would fill the empty can with water and drink that as if it were a beer (regulators, mount up!) but i was still feeling shitty by one in the morning.

things were winding down anyway, and i wasnt going to try to drink myself into oblivion. i felt like i was good enough to drive, so i found jen, said goodbye, and left. the problem here was that i had no idea where i was and no idea how i had gotten here. so, i was lost. i drove around for awhile and eventually righted myself on a state highway. i ended up far away from munas but at least i knew where i was. i went back to her place and promptly passed out.

in the morning i wasnt feeling any better and spent the day watching movies and eating soup. muna was coming back that day so i tidied up some and tried to make it look like i wasnt staying there. or, tried to make it look similar to when she left. the room was a bit of a mess, because the cats had strewn a number of things around the room and i hadnt been picking anything up. it didnt take long to tidy up.

when muna got back she and i sat down in her room chatting for hours. and that, really, was the best part of the weekend. we talked about a number of things that were real conversations, about us as people and how things work. i dont have conversations like that often, mostly because i am closed off and afraid to become deep with a person. strangely i am less confident in my beleifs as i age. this makes me wonder about my convictions.

we found oursleves to be similar people in many ways and that was nice, becasue she would say things that i was thinking with words that i couldnt put together. so i did a fair amount of agreeing. eventually this conversation came to a close and i was back up in the loft exept this time i didnt have all of the amneties that i had before. brie had taken them away as quickly as she had installed them. so i slept. in the morning i woke up and didnt really want to come down, so i just sat up there for awhile.

eventually i came down and woke up muna while i gathered some things. then muna and i had some breakfast together, i edited a paper for brie and took off for the day. my plan was to go to the holocaust museum. and eventually i made it there. i went downtown first, to the library for a little bit and thought about going to the folklore society but saved that for another day. around 3 or so i made it to the holocaust museum and went in.

the holocaust museum
it was intense. all of the lights were motion activated, so you couldnt see a room ahead of you. there were tons of plaques with information on them and i stood reading long enough for the lights to go off again. i went through a ghetto, a concentration camp, kristallnacht, and other things. i made it one room that had a little door that i was supposed to enter and then a tunnel for me to go through. this didnt have motion activated lights, but i could see some red lights ahead. i cheated a little bit and used my flashlight, but after i got the to red lights the tunnel turned and i was in an underground bunker with about ten mannequins on one bed, with rats and things like that.

like i said, it was intense. there was also a video with stories from holcaust survivors that settled in richmond. shortly after the tunnel there was a dark room with the names and shados of children that died in the war, an eerie voice just rattling off the names and the blue light casting a glow across the room. from there, i came to room i dont remember. oh, i know, the gas chambers and then into someplace else, the infernos, and it was just horrific. i could still hear that tv saying kids names and the words were just too much.

someone then came up to me and informed me that the museum was closing, i was only partway through the museum so i left and will go back to finish it soon. later i will attend at art show by my new friend robert and settle in for the week.