everyone can relate to what i appreciate, my friend / my first road trip #3

las vegas eats the dust from my truck. speaking of dust, a california highway worker threatened to call the california highway patrol (chp) on me yesterday. it went like this, i was driving south on highway 95 headed for joshua tree national park. i didnt really want to go to joshua tree, but it was a condition that steve added to lending me money. basically he forced me. i am just kidding.

but he did recommend that i go there, the last place he suggested to me - prescott, az - was awesome. so i gave him the benefit of the doubt. south south south. then highway 95 joins up with highway 40 to go east, back toward arizona. after ten miles or so of this 95 breaks off and then heads south again. and once i got to this breakaway the signs started popping up: highway 95 was closed.

i wouldnt believe that this entire highway was closed, so i kept going. eventually i made it to a barrier in the road and the scene suggested that i should go no further. there wasnt really another route i could take to get to joshua tree and i had already gone more than 100 miles out of the way, so i sat at this intersection looking at the map. i wasnt the only one, about four other cars were having the same debate - should we see what is down this road or not. shortly, but surely, the other cars were called on their bluff and turned tail scared of what the closed road may hold for them.

not so, this truck. after the last car left i said "fuck it" and drove around the barrier. i had done things like this before, but never in the desert wasteland. the first sign i saw was "next services 40 miles." which meant that i would be driving for 40 miles and see nothing, except for maybe a washed out impassable road or a dinosaur or flying saucer or something like that. i told myself i would go 15 miles and turn around if the road really looked bad.

by about 10 miles i started seeing signs for construction and when i got to the construction the road constricted to one lane but there was a flagger and i was waved through. i figured that this was the only reason the road was closed. i was feeling good, in the middle of the desert with no other cars around and 10's of miles away from civilization. i thank my truck for deciding against breaking down in this situation, the thing is good to me.

twenty more miles down the road i came upon another vehicle, a street sweeper kicking up a whole bunch of dust. i rolled up the window and sped past this person, who sweeps the desolate desert roads? another 10 miles and i was at the other end. there were about ten vehicles on the other side of the barrier, contemplating whether they should risk the closed road or not. i was very popular, like i had just come out of a maze and everyone wanted to know the proper turns to take so they too can overtake it. i pulled up and assured the first few cars that it was okay to go through, just some construction down the road.

after talking to the first few people i switched to just giving a thumbs up, i wanted to keep going. but a pickup truck pulled up and wanted to talk. i immediately told her that it was fine to travel the road. she erupted at me. she worked for the transportation department and informed me that the road was closed for the street sweeper. this didnt make sense to me so i told her that he was

this is the moonrise. there will be a video soon.

off on the side of the road sweeping, the traffic wouldnt bother him. but she kept on saying that he would have to sweep the entire road again because a couple of cars went through. this made even less sense to me, wouldnt the daily traffic kick up dust and rocks anyway? whats the point.

she sensed that i wasnt grasping the seriousness of the violation and then she threatened to call the chp. i was like, whatever. and then i drove off. she followed me for a little bit, but turned on highway 62 while i drove 95 south. i was thinking of how ridiculous it would be if the chp came speeding down on me for kicking up dust. i laughed as i drove further south and into the sun.

so, i am reading this book called guns, germs, and steel and it isnt what i thought it would be, at least not yet. i was thinking that it would be about how guns germs and steel were used and acquired by some people and why this was so. it is a really academic book that starts about 11,000 years ago and is currently describing how some people acquired crop production and animal domestication. and the spread of these things. right now, you are thinking, yeah so what get to the point.

the fertile crescent is where farming and animal domestication started and it spread rapidly east and west but slowly north and south. the reason for this is because of the climate and the ability of plants and animals to survive and thrive. the climate stays relatively the same on an east west axis, but when you start moving north and south the climate changes much quicker. and this is what i am getting at. when i was in mississippi it was 70°, when i drove 150 miles north towards indiana it was 30°. in las vegas it was comfortable, in the 60's. right now, 150 miles south, it is 80°. and thats my whole point - convoluted and unnecessary.

i hit highway 10 and headed west toward joshua tree, it was getting late now and my plan was to get into joshua tree and park to camp there overnight. i had never been to this place and was expecting something different. i turned off at the joshua tree exit and drove about 20 miles into the park and it was all just high desert. it was boring. the sun was going down and it was getting dark. there werent places to park and camp plus it was really cold in the desert mountains. so i pulled over and took a walk through the desert. just over the mountains i could see the moon rising and decided to sit and watch that for awhile. then i watched the

luckily i outran these rabid beasts!

sunset behind me, then i kept walking through the desert. it was really cold, and i started getting scared that coyotes and rattlesnakes were going to come and tear me to pieces.

i ran back to my truck.

and then drove into the wasteland that is palm desert california. which was also the destination of my first road trip. dear reader, i recognize that this is the third time i have titled a post and talked about "my first road trip." i think the story goes like this in 1997 i drove to dallas on a whim as my first road trip. then in 1998 i drove to new york with my then girlfriend as my second road trip. in 1999 i drove to new york again to stay and in 2000 i left new york for palm desert, my first cross country road trip. see, what i mean by first here? anyway.

so, it was may of 2000. i had just lived in new york - bronxville - for about 9 months and steve came to visit and spirit me away. first we went to washington dc for the may day parade and protest. we went on may day but the dumb communists scheduled the parade for may 5th. we drove back to new york, i packed up all of the things i could into steve's little car, the rest i packed in a box and left $20 for tiffany to mail it to my parents. that box eventually got thrown out, and i was unhappy about that. it mostly held all of the books that i never wanted to lose, now i cant even remember what most of them were, i know there was a lot of aleister crowley in there though.

so, all packed up, we left on may 2nd or so back down to dc and then west. this was also the day i decided to switch to a vegan diet, from dc we headed to asheville, nc. asheville was nice we had never been there and were excited about the food we could get and also, a band that we liked alot just happened to be playing the next night. we slept at the hostel or in the car and then went to see the band fishbone. it was probably the third or fourth time we had seen them together and it was pretty good.

then we were going southwest to bryan/college station texas. we were going to visit tiffany's mom, we arrived late at night and slept in the car in front of the house. her dad found us in the morning and went to get the shotgun. but beth stopped him, she was sure that these two dirty kids sleeping in a car in front of her house were me and steve. she came out and woke us up. that was nice. we stayed there for a few days, beth made us a country breakfast - including meat - both steve and i were vegan such a short time and we werent good at turning down food so we ate it. it remained the last meal of meat that i ate until i stopped being vegan in 2008 or so.

from there we went to tempe arizona to visit my brother and i got completely wasted on tequila. then i made out with joes neighbor on the table, next to the pool, in the trees, and pretty much anywhere else we could. this was a new experience for me, i dont remember anything about the night. that was the last time i drank tequila straight. then we drove on to palm desert where steve

PRETTY.

was meeting his online girlfriend. we stayed here for a couple of days and then steve wanted to go back to indiana to be with his real life girlfriend.

i harassed him for this, and it was something that nearly brought down our friendship. i insisted that he went back for this girl and was determined to make him admit that. also, i thought that he was weak for abandoning his life to be with some girl, and i made fun of him for it. now, i realize that i was the dummy. love, lust, whatever it is, companionship is something that is really awesome and should be sought out and nurtured and held in very high regard. i dont know if this was how he felt at the time, but he had the right idea.

we drove back to indiana very quickly and within two weeks i was off again for olympia, washington to live. steve stayed behind to see where this relationship went. seven months later he was back with me in olympia. so, anyway, that was my first cross country road trip. because it is short and this post is already long, i am going to share the journal entries i wrote in 2000 during this road trip:

May 2 2000 Left New York for LA, end up in Asheville, N.C. Money is not an issue here. Very quaint little punk/anarchist town in the mountains, and Fishbone is playing tonite. A slight detour, to see a band, stay in the area for the evening live on spontaneity, live on life.

May 3 2000 25 mile per hour, 24 hours a day.

May 7 (?) 2000 I am in Tempe, AZ.

May 10 (?) 2000 Weird days/nights here in Tempe. Steve and I have spent most of our time here in some weird haze. Two nights ago, for the sake of remembering, I made out with Joe's neighbor, Julie. I think these things need to be remembered, even if they do take place in a drug-induced mindset. Living on a postcard here; palmtrees—poolside vaginal sunsets and drinks to boot. Where are we going and what direction am I headed in? What is this life for?

May 23 2000 So a lot has changed. Steve and I had a bit of a falling out. Wait, backtrack, after Tempe, we went to Palm Desert California—to see Steve's on-line girlfriend Marisa. That was for Steve what Dallas was for me (Robin + Dusty). We stayed there a couple of nights. Steve will never admit it, but we left Palm Desert and our joint plans so he could be with Rachael. We tried to get an apartment/house in Hammond, but it didn't work. I am on my way to Olympia WA. To begin anew. The falling out--Steve basically runs his life on Rachael time and that is fine, as long as he admits it, which he won't. I won't drop it and the truth pisses him off. APPARENTLY I DON'T NEED ANYBODY!

see, i was the idiot. i do need people, and like them alot. specifically, i am very thankful that steve has stuck with me all this time even though sometimes i am really mean to him. and not just because he is financing my life right now, we have been through so much of life together that it would really be a hard thing to think about not having him to talk about life with. (last night i watched the film "anvil" and i liken the relationship steve and i have to the one that the drummer and singer of that band have.)

palm desert, now (probably even then), is a pit. it is all country clubs and strip malls. it wasnt super easy to find a place to park last night and today it was very hard to find a place to sit and use the internet for hours while i wrote away my life. i did accomplish the tasks that i set out for today. i did laundry and changed the oil in my truck. also it is very hot here, while doing laundry i changed into my stupid shorts for the first time in months, i look like such a fool. tomorrow i will head into los angeles again. how scary.

...the other half lives. / technical notes #11

well, i have been in vegas for a few days now. it is pretty boring, i am not willing to waste away in the casinos and i was having trouble convincing my cousin to be my friend. after hanging out with some folks a couple of nights ago i really havent been around anyone. except for all the people that exist in las vegas, but not people i know.

two days ago i was all ready to go visit the pinball hall of fame and see a movie at the tropicana cinema - the dollar theater. i thought these places were right next to each other, thats what my information told me, so i went to the theater and was planning to play some pinball for an hour and then sidle effortlessly into the theater and watch a show. however the streets here are hard to

some pinball games i beat

navigate. you cannot take very many left turns and i got a bit lost and then confused on how to actually get into this plaza where my desire existed.

eventually i made it into this parking lot and got out ready to go, i only had forty minutes to play pinball now so i was ready. but! the pinball hall of fame had moved from near the cinema to a number of blocks down the street, about the same place where i had just come from. i was mad about this, but got back in the truck and navigated to the poorly announced building that was now the pinball hall of fame.

i was expecting a little bit more than what i got, but it was still a good experience. i expected more of a museum than just a pinball warehouse. it was very dark and there were just four rows or so of pinball and other machines back to back. many of them were old and they were all mostly working, i got a couple dollars change and had fun for while. i played well past the allotted time and subsequently missed the show i wanted to catch.

it was fun there but ground kontrol in portland is way better. not as wide a selection, but they have metal night and sell beer. also, it is brighter and more welcoming. i miss that place. and, as my sad account will show, that is all i think i accomplished on this day.

yesterday, after being bored and not really having any reason to waste away on the internet any longer, i decided to drive further north on the las vegas strip, get to the downtown area, and just see more than the few big hotel/casinos that i had on my first foray into sin. driving on i saw a casino that advertised $3 blackjack and i thought that was a good deal. playing slot machines gets boring quick and it is something i could do in portland. i have never played a table game and always wanted to.

i was scared to interact with a dealer and really show my ineptitude for gambling, but i was determined to have this experience. while i was looking for a place to park i saw another casino that boasted $1 blackjack. this was for me. it couldnt get any cheaper than that, so i parked at the sahara and walked on in. i walked around the tables looking for the blackjack, but i didnt find it. eventually i asked one of the scary guys in suits and they pointed me to a machine. a blackjack machine.

it was set up like a table and you can bet $1 to $100 on your round, i slipped in a $20 and got to playing. shortly i was up $10 and thought that this was very easy. the machine kept telling me to join the players club to earn rewards and since i was doing good, i thought that i might as well. so i cashed out and went to join the players club. they gave me $10 in free play and a free drink. sweet. i went back to my blackjack game and proceeded to dwindle my $20 (i was back to even) down to 90 cents - not enough to play anymore. so i cashed out and went just next to the machine, to a wheel of fortune slot machine.

i put in my players card and used my $10 of free game play (i wasnt allowed to use it on the blackjack machine). i quickly burned through this, but i had won about $5 on this free game play. so i cashed out and went right back to the blackjack game. i did better this time. i was slowly betting more money and soon found myself at $60. i attempted to convince myself to cash out then and call it a day. but i didnt really have anywhere else to go or anything else to do. so i made a commitment to myself to cash out at $100 or at $30.

guess which came first, $30! and then i kept playing because i wanted to get myself back up, it seemed so easy. but then i was back down to $20 and luckily i convinced myself to split out of there at even. i acquiesced to my demands. i had two dollar bills in my pocket and decided to keep them safe in a slot machine, and attempt to get a few more dollars to play more blackjack. but these dollars quickly vanished. and i was back out on the street. i had been in there for almost four hours. i texted my cousin and demanded that she see me tonight, because i had to get out of las vegas. today was the day whether or not she wanted to hang out last night.

and she replied saying okay. she gave me her address and said she would be home around 6:pm, that was still a few hours away so i wasted away a bit more on the computer. and then it was dark and i was driving back up the strip to north las vegas, where nicole lives. interestingly, this was the first time i had been on the strip while it was dark out...and i almost had a seizure from all of the lights flashing around me, the multitudes of people and just the hustle of it all.

i drove and drove. eventually i got to where she lived. her neighborhood wasnt very fancy, but a little bit fancy. there wasnt a car in the driveway but a light was on, i didnt know if she lived by herself or if she would be alone, maybe she invited some of her other family members that i am related to. i started to freak out a little bit. i hadnt showered for a number of days and, hey, i get self conscious. so, parked just outside of her house, i did some last minute grooming and tried to calm my nerves...and then i knocked on the door.

my cousin nicole is 26 years old. i dont think i have seen her since she was 14 - barely even a real person. coming into this i had no idea what to expect. she has gone through college, gotten married and subsequently divorced, moved to las vegas, engaged in

in her defense, she is making the sad face

a "career", and owns a house. so i had to fast forward from barely being a real person to her being a bona fide adult. i dont even consider myself an adult yet, i am scared to think of what i will look like as an adult. she invited me in and gave me an awkward half hug and then we milled about for a few moments not really knowing where to go from here.

her house was pristine, you know, like a museum. everything was spotless and she was in the process of cleaning everything that was already very clean. these are things that i do not understand. we sat around and talked for awhile, catching up, and then she offered to make me dinner. how absolutely strange, this is not my ideal setting. alone with someone who might as well be a stranger, a dirty kid in a clean adult world, and now dinner? i am not one to shy away from new and odd experiences so i said yes and she started making some things. then we went into the garage to smoke some cigarettes. conversation was flowing a bit smoother now, i was regaining some of my edge - the nervousness was melting away.

and i was just thinking of all the strange situations i was put myself in on this trip. going to brand new places and interacting with people that i have no idea about, as a kid this was the thing that i dreamed of. and i did okay. we ate dinner at a two person table on bar stools. and this was how she lived, by herself in a nice place, working and then making dinner and cleaning. this is what a number of people consider life to be. i have a hard time picturing myself in such a situation but i am sure one day i will grow up.

then she started talking about history. this was what i wanted, she talked about the family and the estrangement that she and her immediate family has from the rest of the extended family - my immediate family included. since i hadnt really been present in the life of the family for the last ten years or so much of this stuff was new to me. i sat listening at full attention. she told me about the things she remembered of us being kids around one another. she was 14 and i was 17. so there werent very many situations, but i will try to paint a picture.

i grew up in cedar lake, indiana - until about 14 when my dad moved me and my siblings to griffith, indiana to live with his new wife, my stepmom, bobbie. this was when my real life started and generally when i talk about my "childhood" i am talking from this point on. i lived in the upstairs of this house, in the largest room and was given free reign. eventually i made friends and entertained them with a bevy of drugs and alcohol in my room. nicole recounted being around for some of these drug induced days of entertainment that i offered.

clearly, she was too young to be hanging around with my people. but my friend steve had a younger brother who was also around sometimes and i learned last night that nicole and chris had some romance in the cubby holes of my party room. which is hilarious. i wish i had pictures or just some better words to describe this room and situation. it was pretty much ideal. i have good parents. so, i liked hearing her talk about these things. after all, this was the main reason for me to interact with her - to know more about myself. the "myself" that other people see, the reflection that i leave in the eyes of other people.

and this was about the end of it. it was just after 9:pm and, well, i wasnt exactly tired, but it was getting more awkward and i got set to leave. leaving was easy and strange, just like i am a passing whisper. another weak half hug and i was out the door. i sat in my truck for a few minutes, processing the strangeness of it all. ah, this life, you strange beast!

i drove back towards where i had been staying, and i was tired now, but since i had decided to leave las vegas today i thought that i should see some things in this city at night. on my way back was "the fremont street experience" and i stopped to...experience it i guess. as soon as i drove by it i knew that i had been here before. it was when i was 19 in las vegas, this was near the bus station and what i thought las vegas was for much of my life. now i know different.

after being there for a little bit i drove all the way back down the strip and there was much more action. and the street was like a parking lot. i did get to see the bellaggio fountains go off and some other things that happen at night and entice people to this city. i did not get to see the volcano go off, but i did drive by it. i saw the treasure island pirate battle and some other things. it took me over an hour to drive down the strip, that is a long time. i was fully ready to sleep away the night and once i found my spot i called it a night.

	current cycle	total trip
miles	1629	18481
gallons	77.6	799.1
dollars	205.2	2071.4
mpg avg	21	23.1
costpg avg	2.64	2.59
days	14	259

well, now it is time to offer up some technical notes from this trip, the eleventh edition! since i had my starter replaced in dallas my truck has been running better. i am not sure why this should be so, i thought the starter was just, you know, for starting the truck. but i have been able to drive at faster speeds with less vibrations. my top speed has gone from 75mph to 80mph, but mostly i still drive at 75mph.

this cycle started in greenville, tx on january 15th, and ended yesterday, january 28th, in las vegas, nevada. a whole 14 days! going through the mountains i was getting really poor gas mileage and i thought it was all the climbing and the altitude, but i turned out to be very wrong. my truck leaks oil, not much, but when it gets low the "check oil" light will come on. well, it didnt this time and my oil well was mostly dry. i am not sure why this would amount to super poor gas mileage, but once i filled the reservoir the gas mileage came back to normal - even above average. not like it is going to make a difference for this cycle, it will still look pretty shitty.

and, the sad news, my passenger side headlight has burnt out. we will all mourn the loss and hopefully not get pulled over for this offense.

songs to remember all we have lost and all we have loved

well, las vegas. earlier on this trip when i was at the grand canyon, in june, a lady found me on the internet her name was pam and she implored me to backtrack a little bit and come to las vegas. i considered it, but ultimately decided to continue north and east. i assured her that i would come to las vegas on my way back. and then this whole trip happened to get me to a point that i could stay true to my promise.

i set a course that would take me to the few places in the southwest that i had people to see in and las vegas was right on that line. i got back in touch with her and said "here i come." well we didnt meet one another the day i got here, but we talked and last night we finally met each other. but first i had a day in las vegas.

i woke up very early yesterday, owing to the fact that i went to bed real early and that i am now on pacific time. i only spent about 3 days in mountain time, so for most purposes my body was still working on central time - the time zone that i have spent most of this trip in. maybe because it is the largest time zone, or maybe i like the people there a whole bunch. that will remain a mystery.

i sat in my truck, just laying there, for at least an hour. then i willed myself to get dressed and see what this day had to say to me. it wasnt very encouraging. after getting out into the day i then sat in the front of my truck for another length of time trying to decide what to do. it was too early to call pam and meet her, my cousin that i had found here was at work so i couldnt meet her either, and i just had one of those hours where i curse myself for ever even being on this trip because i have no direction right now. but i reassured myself about some of the great things that this trip has brought about and the wonderful people i have met.

and then i went out for breakfast.

however, after that the same thoughts and conundrum of what to do filtered throughout my body. these feelings are a testament to the fact that i do not have it all figured out. i convinced myself to go to las vegas - the las vegas people see in the movies. i went down to the strip and it was actually a good decision, well thought out if had been thinking about it the right way. see, i still hadnt had the funds injection that i was expecting from steve, i had about $60 in the bank and at least $2 in cash on me. so, in hindsight, choosing to explore this tourist trap of a town when i had no money was really a good decision.

i parked and went into the tropicana casino first. for the most part all of the casinos are connected to each other via skywalks so i went in there and put one of my dollars into one of the first machines i saw. rapidly that dollar turned into zero cents. i walked

tag: the best city in las vegas

across the sky to the new york new york casino. i liked this one, they had a big roller coaster around it and the facade of the building is set up to look like the new york skyline. very innovative.

i walked through here, and then kept going. back across the street and down onto the pavement. walking up las vegas boulevard and enjoying the sunshine. i just kept going, determined to walk the whole strip or at least to caesars palace, the furthest casino i could see. i walked by planet hollywood, the harley davidson place, the eiffel tower, and a number of other casino/hotels and went into very few of them. eventually i got to the palace and went inside. i dont know what i was expecting, all of the casinos look the same on the inside. i walked through there and then went into the bellaggio. now i am on the other side of the street.

and, this walk/sightseeing/casino haunting took the better part of two hours. i was not in a hurry and there are plenty of things to look at, stop and gawk awhile. inside the bellaggio i decided to part ways with my second - and last - dollar bill. i sidled up to a machine that was eerily similar to the oregon state lottery machines and inserted my bill. it was a penny slot machine, so i had 100 credits, i could play about ten games. i started hitting the button, slowing the release, examining the screen, smoking a cigarette, burning time, and soon i found myself down to my last 20 cents.

but the next push of the button brought three turkeys on the screen and the machine went into a special mode - i had ten free spins at double whatever i would win. and after these played themselves out i found myself up to almost 800 credits. i shouldve walked away then, up $7 on the machine. but, i continued there pushing the button until i was back down to a few credits. and again, right when i was about to run out of credits i won again - this time only two dollars. i burned through this rather quickly and when it was all gone i got up and tried to maneuver back to the exit. i had been there for a little bit of time and just wanted to get back outside.

outside the bellaggio is a huge pool that watercraft traverse and lights and fountains spring from. there is a scene in a movie where brad pitt stands in a little alcove and watches these fountains. he stands there with george clooney. so, i went and stood around the same place they did, at every one of the fifteen or alcoves. anything to get closer to brad pitt.

laughing at myself for this, i walked away. i kept on down this side of the street but stayed outside, weaving through the slow traffic of tourists. eventually i could see the tropicana again and this time i went into the mgm grand instead of new york to cross back over towards where my truck was parked. inside the mgm they have a lion habitat and i stood around there for awhile watching these big cats and the trainers inside the cage. these guys were just petting these animals as if they were house cats and i wanted nothing more than to just go up in there and pet them as well.

that got boring after awhile, so i went back over to the tropicana. by this time i had convinced myself to get some money out of the atm machine and gamble some more. but first i wanted to get back to my truck, to ditch a jacket and to drink some water. i walked through the tropicana, i was all sweaty from walking in the sun, and i got lost real quick in the casino, trying to find the entrance near my truck. there are cameras everywhere, i am walking to strange and deserted places and sweating. suspicious. so i finally asked someone where the exit i wanted was and she pointed me in the direction, it was a hidden corridor behind a bank of slot machines.

i got to my truck and checked in with myself that i was really prepared to gamble some of the dwindling funds i had. i agreed with myself that it was a good idea (how dumb) and walked back in to an atm machine. i plugged my card in and typed in $20, but then they wanted a service charge. you would think since the money you are getting from the atm in the casino is all going right back into the casino that they wouldnt charge a fee - or at least a nominal one. the service fee was almost $5. that would be like 12% of my remaining money and i deemed it not worth it. so i walked back out to sit in my truck longer.

i got in touch with pam but she was busy for awhile, so i found a coffee shop to sit and sip tea at while i wasted away on the internet. that got boring after awhile so i went to a bookstore to catch up on my magazines. then pam got back in touch with me and we were set to meet at her house around 8:pm. by this time i had also gotten in touch with my cousin, nicole, who invited to her house in north vegas to watch american idol. i passed on this offer, thinking that pam might put a little more on the table.

meeting pam was strange. strange because i was meeting a perfect stranger at her house. we know absolutely nothing about one another and now we are just pushed together and told to make it work. she was home with some real tall dude and they were playing music. music would become something of a topic of the night that i wasnt involved in. they played some songs while i just sat there, and this went on for about an hour. slowly more people came over to play music and i wasnt really talking to anyone. just sitting on the couch. when pams man friend came back we all went over to the local bar called "stake out."

i walked with these 4 other people the two blocks to the bar and, well, i guess i was hoping for something more. it was after 10:pm now and i was tired. the bar was a pretty normal place, kind of divey but it was still expensive. we sat down and the folks i was with, especially pam, knew everyone there. i was introduced as "my friend brian who is traveling around the country in his pickup truck." i dont really like this introduction, generally people then ask where i have been. i dont have a good answer for this. but none of these people cared. i sort of wilted into the background.

the people i was with were playing the jukebox and were very much music people, talking about music festivals and bands and such. i didnt know many of the people they were talking about, not because they were obscure, but because they were popular. i felt a little bit dumb when they were talking about thom yorke and i didnt know who that was. apparently he is the singer from a very famous band that most people like called radiohead. i have never really listened to radiohead - aside from their first album when i was like 16 or something.

they were singing along to the songs and talking about how awesome the music was and then someone played a mountain goats song. i was like, aha!, i know this and can contribute when they all start taking about the mountain goats. i can talk about how i got into them when it was just john darnielle, well before they were a thing and, you know, i could hold some sway. but no one sang along to these songs or even gave it mention. it was as if they didnt even like the music, so i didnt mention anything. just sat there nursing my overpriced pbr.

after the real tall kid left i saw this as my opportunity to leave as well. it was after midnight now and i was over being awake. so i said goodbye to the few folks whose names i remembered and told pam that i would call her today. i will probably still do that, but more so i just want to see my cousin for a little bit, go to the pinball museum and then get out of this place. when i left it was raining outside. i didnt really know that it rained in las vegas. i mean, i know it rains here, but this was a heavy rain and i was surprised at that.

in the morning it was still raining, it had rained all night long and gotten heavier. i didnt want to leave my truck. i just sat back there for about two hours reading and listening to music. i like music and i guess i have particular tastes, i was sort of boosting my confidence after the night of being a music dummy. and, with this, i started thinking about my life. (most any music can delve me into these pits of thought, but - for reference - these are some of the songs i was hearing this morning: "with arms outstretched" - rilo kiley; "jersey girl" - tom waits; "ode to my family" - the cranberries; "speeding motorcycle" - yo la tengo; "germinal" - blackbird raum; "a line allows progress, a circle does not" - bright eyes; "sarah baker turns partying into art" - chicks on speed; "not without" - tin tree factory; "yellow walls" - jackson c. frank. okay, it was on random, i am done trying to recreate this playlist.)

actually, since i have left chicago and moved so quickly to be within striking distance of portland i have been thinking much heavier and more in-depth thoughts about my life. i have been thinking of and preparing ways to wrap up this trip, this blog, this part of my life. i sit and think about the different things i have learned and the experiences i have had, how to adapt them and turn them into positive things moving forward. i think about getting an apartment or a house in portland and how i am going to decorate it.

i think about the people on this trip that i have met or seen that i want to see again, what that looks like. how i need to find some kind of gainful employment and then also a place to live - what all of this is going to look like. the people in portland whom i havent seen for many months and will soon be back upon and how our relationships will have changed, shrunk or grown since i have been gone.

the future is that way.

these thinking sessions arent very helpful. mostly they just accentuate my confusion in life and how i very little figured out. i have a bunch of things that i want to accomplish or things that i want to have - feelings i want to feel - and reminding myself of them but not being able to come up with logical and realistic plans for attaining them. i soothe myself by convincing myself that most people feel this way about life, but i also dont have any proof or reason to know how most people feel or what most people think. could be everyone is a shiny happy start that has everything figured out and they just slowly walk down a deliberate and clear path, encountering few obstacles along the way. while i am off the beaten track, slashing through the wilderness as my machete grows ever duller.

anyway. every day i am getting closer to my future and i know that for all the thinking and planning i can do the real thing will bear little resemblance to whatever i am thinking. ah, the future.

the light above the metropolis

well, flagstaff was supposed to be a milestone for me. i had been thinking of it as the first place that i would visit for the second time on this trip...but then i just remembered that chicago-land was the first place i visited for the second

...

time. i guess too many good things happened there the second time, so this little fact failed to enter into my consciousness.

however, as i previously noted, this wasnt such a great milestone - this flagstaff visit. i stayed on the hostel for another night to little fanfare. i watched some american football on the television with various foreigners and found myself explaining the game to them. i finished my bottle of wine and took a number of hot showers. this morning, i gathered all of my things, filled up all my water bottles and set off in the direction of the post office.

i wasnt the only person that had this idea. because of the snowstorm very few, if any, people that live in flagstaff received their mail. so i waited in line for a fair amount of time to get what i came for, a parcel from my friend vaughnda in chicago. the teller went into the back to discover my mail but came back empty-handed. i was crestfallen, i had waited out the weekend and she said that the mail was backed up at least two days so it may be that long before my letter actually arrives.

with my head down, i exited the building. i didnt really have enough money to stay at the hostel again so i was convincing myself to just find a place to park and wait it out for another night. and it took a bit of convincing, i had been looking forward to this mail for quite awhile and i debated just leaving flagstaff and having the mail returned to sender. quickly i realized how poor of an act this would be so i decided to settle in. i went to the town square and started reading. i havent been reading enough lately and this most recent book that i picked out is a very hard read.

i sat there for a few hours, basking in the sunshine and came back to being happy. it is a hard thing for me to be unhappy for a very long period of time i have this problem of always finding something in life to be positive about. when it came around 3:pm i was done sitting there. i talked myself into pestering the us postal service and decided to go back to inquire if my mail had yet arrived. the place was even more packed than in the morning and i stood counting off the people in line, trying to use math so i didnt get the same teller as i had in the morning.

my math worked. i got a different teller and gave my id just as before. i steadied myself against getting too hopeful for her to walk out with whatever awaited me. and to my ultimate delight she emerged from the backroom with a small package. i thanked her and went back into the sun. i opened the package to find a nice picture card with some words on it and a compact disc.

with my objective in flagstaff completed i hightailed it out of town. well, i tried to hightail it. i got a little bit lost looking for the expressway and almost ended up going the wrong way on it. but when i got my direction straightened out, my tail was high. i listened to the cd a number of times as i drove west toward las vegas.

after two days or so of lounging around a comfy hostel, returning to driving was no fun. driving in general isnt very much fun but for some reason today was very much not fun. it didnt seem like i had far to go but the miles were moving slow. eventually i made it to the switch-off from the expressway to highway 93 north to las vegas. i was not aware that i would run right into the hoover dam driving this way, i was somewhat pleasantly surprised until i got to the checkpoints.

the hoover dam

at the checkpoint the performed a light search of my truck and quickly i was deemed okay to go over the dam. once inside i was finally able to get my friend steve on the phone. we talked for a bit of time, about the money he is depositing into my bank account tomorrow and some trips he is planning for his future. i want him and his lady friend to borrow my truck when i get back and go on vacation, but he considers himself too old for that.

then i got paranoid about talking on the phone because of all the security and someone was probably listening in on the conversation, and i already sketched these people out so i got off the phone real quick and away from the dam. and twenty miles later i got into the shadow of las vegas. i pulled off before i hit the city proper, becuase all of the lights were very intimidating. they say that las vegas at night is the easiest thing to spot from space. they say these things, but i have never been to space.

lets see, i have been to las vegas once before. i think i wrote about it previously, which was dumb of me - clearly i should have saved the story for once i was actually here. but it was after santa barbara, in march 2001 i think, i was on a greyhound back to indiana; my tail between my legs. i was 20 years old and since i had never been here and we had a short layover, i decided to try my luck and my last few dollars on the slot machines. i think i won for a minute and then lost all of my money. when i came back to the bus station, the bus had left without me and i was stuck there for another three hours. (just now i reviewed my old journals and found the entry from las vegas, but i am opting not to share it here.)

after sitting here for awhile, i got in touch with my friend here and shortly i will be with some more new strange friends. let me get out the meeting people face.

into the dust, into the snow, into the mountains, into the hostel

i left amarillo just after george, my doppelganger, came into the coffee shop, i was glad that he didnt come talk to me - i was done with these people. i hopped on i-40 west in the face of strong winds and shortly i found myself in the middle of a moderate dust storm. tumbleweeds were desperately running across the highway, dodging the metal machines and the horizon was a low thick mist of brown. i was happy for this.

except that the strong winds played hell on my already shaky drivers side window. like this i drove until i made it through the dust and then i started climbing. i hit some rain and small hail and climbed ever higher. the towns and gas stations were few and far between, and it started to get cold in the cab. i was perplexed by this, because i had forgotten about a little thing called topography. and those big things known as mountains.

i was heading right into the heart of the sandia mountains, known for the watermelon color that they assume at sunset. the highest peak in this range is just over 10,000' and i wasnt getting up there, i think my altitude topped out between 6 and 7000'. but, up here there was a fair bit of snow on the ground and the clouds in the sky were muttering some kind of curse on the people below. luckily i had stopped just before i left amarillo to fill up my tank and got a relatively cheap price for the petrol. i made it through this range unscathed, but as i descended towards albuquerque i saw the channel 3 news team in a field of snow on the side of the highway. this image led me to assume that the amount of snow was unusual or there was some sort of impending doom.

in albuquerque i drove around for a while trying to find a good place to take a picture of the sandia mountains, because it was sunset, and it was beautiful. at this, i failed. the sun went down and i was left looking for a place to warm my bones for a few hours before i searched for a safe spot and succumbed to sleep. i found a coffee shop and sat in there for an hour or two, alternating between reading and wasting away on the internet. eventually i left and drove for a fair bit again looking for a place that i could park overnight, the temperature was dropping but once i am inside and under the covers it really isnt that cold.

an albuquerque morning.

in the morning, however, it was that cold. i could see snow perched on my window outside and i was not looking forward to getting out from under my cover pile and putting my clothes back on in the winter air. but, i persevered. when i emerged from the truck i saw that about an inch of snow had fallen throughout the night. cursing the gods of travel i loaded into the truck and headed back to the coffee shop. i had no reason to be in albuquerque, it was simply a way station on my path to flagstaff. so i sat in the coffee shop again for a while feeding my addiction to the internet and eventually being able to talk to steve on the phone.

we talked about the money he is lending me and i gave him the details to deposit into my numbered offshore account. on monday he will deposit it into my account and by that time it will be sorely needed. yesterday was a heaving spending day, the likes of which i havent seen since...well, i guess since dallas - not that long ago.

and then i was done in albuquerque. i didnt even try to explore this town at all, which is a testament to how much i am actually done with this trip. and it was off to flagstaff, back onto interstate 40. shortly after i started driving, i had to stop and get gas. and this was an alarming thing for me because my gas mileage was much lower than it should have been. generally, especially all highway driving, i should get about 360 miles out of a tank of gas - not very good by any standards. but now the needle was resting on "e" and the mileage was just under 300. i pushed it as far as i thought i could, to about 312 and then stopped to get gas from one of the infrequent stations that are placed in this high desert. and gas is expensive in these more remote places.

for $45, $2.80 per gallon, i filled up my tank. and it was near empty, i didnt give it much thought and just pushed on. the distance between albuquerque and flagstaff is 322 miles, and i would be driving for more than five hours this day. i drove again through mountains, up steep grades but not down many. and all the while the snow was thicker on the ground. when i stopped to get my daily food ration, i could see some more mountains in the distance and that was when i remembered about flagstaff. that it was situated high in the mountains, and would most probably be worse off than albuquerque.

these mountains drew ever nearer as i continued to climb and the snow pack thickened and thickened. my reason for being in flagstaff is to receive a piece of mail, general delivery. this place was the choice because, when i was thinking about it, i thought it would be a beautiful crisp dry warm place and i had already successfully received mail general delivery there. it was actually the first place i got mail on this trip and now it might also be the last, so it was supposed to be symbolic. realizing that it might not be awesome to spend time in flagstaff this turn round, i pushed faster in an attempt to get to the city before 5:pm, when i figured the post office would close on saturday.

the san francisco peaks, the mountains i was speeding towards, were becoming ever so closer and calculating the miles i have left to travel and the nearness of these mountains my dread was secure, into the cold i go. i got to flagstaff just around 4:30pm and i was happy about that, i could get to the post office and just spend one night nere and be gone in the morning, however all was not well in flagstaff. route 66 was clear of snow, but all around the road the snowpack was about 6'. the gas stations and shops all had just enough of one lane clear to allow for cars to get through but not clear enough to really see where you were going. the town was a mess. i drove through the tiny lane cleared to get to the post office and was excited to see people coming and going there. however, when i went to investigate i learned that the post office had closed at 2:pm on saturday and my hopes were dashed.

icicles!

i drove into town, to scope the scene. there were emergency crews on the roofs of buildings, frantically clearing snow, the downtown square was just being cleared out and all of the roads were barely one lane. people parked willy-nilly where the could. this was starting to become very shitty. i found a place to park and started to walk around town, there were new signs posted that informed motorists parking was illegal on the city street between 12:am and 7:am to aid in snow removal. that meant i would have to try to find a parking lot or something to park in for the night. and parking lots suck because there is very little protection from the wind and my truck is not windproof. also, there is much more traffic through parking lots.

also, after only 290 miles, my gas tank was resting on empty again. i must be the altitude that is giving me such poor gas mileage, but whatever it is i am displeased. the gas is way more expensive and the mileage it gives me is much less. so i am paying more for worse.

anyway, i walked to the visitors center and got there just before it closed. i got the guidebook in order to test some of the local hotels, get an idea of rates and such in case i needed to head down this road. after that i walked back to a coffee shop that was always closed when i was here before, but i dont think i was drinking coffee anyway when i was here before. i went in and proceeded to look up some of the hotels and such and see if i could get a deal for the weekend. no such luck. i did, however, learn that the city of flagstaff had been shut down for most of the previous two days as it received about 4' of snow in that time. luckily i came in after that.

the dumb snow and a small path.

unfortunately the coffee shop closed earlier than the time posted on the door and i wasnt able to complete my research. now it was just dark and i was out on the street again. i capitulated and drove to the hostel, it would be the cheapest rate in town and get my truck off the street. also, i promised my dad that i wouldnt freeze to death in my truck, if it was too cold to sleep outside i would bite the proverbial bullet and book a room.

i dont have a very long history of staying in hostels, this was the first time i had been in one since 2001, i guess. the first hostel i stayed in was in san francisco, california sometime in the later days of january...much like now. so, to celebrate my 9 year anniversary, i thought i would wow you with the journal entries i made when i was staying at that hostel, at that time, when i was that person (unfortunately, i wasnt into dating entries then...):

"And the joy is overwhelming. After riding last night for hours in the not-so-warm temperature and the oh-so-high hills, I found a hostel with vacancies. The San Francisco Travelers Inn at 374 5th St. Nick dropped me off at 20th St. I had little direction and hope. I went to two hostels before this one. I dropped $120 for the week and I get kicked out on the 1st, I am pretty sure. By then, I should have this city on the back of my hand (hah!). I did a lot already today, I went to the top of Telegraph Hill, to the Marina, to Haight-Ashbury (and I saw a neat anarchist bookstore). I have been to two natural foods stores—the Rainbow something on 13th and Folsom and some other one on Haight St.. I have eaten twice and feel I am spending too much money. But, this big city living never really attracted me, I feel I may be bored before Parenti. I may go back up to Sacramento. But, Steve! Where is he? Who knows, and he knows not where I am. I really want to be somewhere like Tempe, where it is warm and it doesn't rain and we can camp out and no worries. I am just spending way too much money. But, other than that, things are great! I wonder what'll happen next.

--

So, the guy sleeping on top of me is an Aussie named Dechlan. He is a neat fella. I have no idea what I am doing here. I walk and bike around this town and I just don't know why. I was looking into jobs yesterday, and I am going for an interview on Wednesday. I have no doubt that I will get the job, so what am I doing? Am I already settling on San Fran? I hope not. But, I guess it could be wonderful. Steve should, said he would, wind up here tomorrow and we were supposed to correlate a place to meet, but we didn't. Now, chances are, we wont even meet up until Parenti. I am sick, I have a cold. It is horrible. I am going to take Francisco's words to heart and make eating my least priority, and I don't think I can make food in the hostel kitchen anymore, as that is probably why I am sick. I am at the SF City College waiting for the library to open, because I am completely lost in technical life and I really want to check my email. Hah!"

okay, i just got caught up reading through my old journal from that point and about waiting for steve to get his dumb butt to san francisco so i could talk to him (i am pretty sure this was before cell phones were a thing). i love reading my old journals, i remember so many more things while reading the few words i wrote, and everything becomes much more vivid. also, i get to laugh at the younger me, that is always fun.

so, anyway BACK TO THE HERE AND NOW! so i checked into the hostel last night and that was all okay. it is $18 a night and it is mostly empty here i am staying in a dorm room with one other guy, ichiro, from japan - he doesnt speak much english. i hung around the hostel all last night, i went next door and bought a bottle of wine to enjoy. i took a nice long shower and enjoyed that immensely, then i called it a night. it was very warm, almost hot, in the room for the night and i slept a bit fitfully. this morning i have been enjoying some coffee and hanging out with the other folks here.

many of them left to go skiing, which is something that is beyond me. i will explore this snowy town for a bit and enjoy being inside at least as much. i just bought another night here at the hostel and hopefully tomorrow i can make it out.