my memories, and these dumb relics to remind me of them

i think i have made a huge mistake. i sat down to write a boring account of my day, the various phone calls, fixing a flat tire, job search stuff, mailing my taxes and seeing old friends. blah blah blah, we have heard it all before. but for some dumb reason, just before i sat down, i decided to open my memory box and just have a quick look at what was in there. an hour later the room and bed are covered with old papers, dating as far back as 1995.

i want to concisely describe the things that i have kept, and i want to do it as chronologically as possible, but thats hard. there are two journals in there, neither of them finished. back in early 2003 i mailed all of my journals and personal writing to my friend rob in new york, these journals were spared because they were unfinished. the older one has the wonderful varied writing on the cover ("the end of forever is now..., wedged between union and forget, i may never be the same this is destroying me and i dont know if i care, we are now become us." among other things.) and inside is mostly old poetry. hilarious.

also, in this old one, there are a number of journal entries from after i had mailed away my journals and "stopped" writing. the accounts of living in laurelhurst park and on the rooftop of some girl i was sweet on. awesome things. there are also some essays with titles like "Structures and Symptoms of Non-Delight or, Apathy," some short stories, a diagram of the room i lived in at the time, notes on how to build a tattoo gun from a bic pen, diagrams and notes on how i would live once i made it to bisbee, and some meeting notes. this was like a bridge from when i was just some kid to when i got involved in activism and really gave up journalling. (i almost wrote one of the poems here before i thought better of it...)

anyway, the second notebook "notes on the furtherment of society" is sparse and mostly just meeting notes, including a number of notes written by someone else! it must have taken a lot of effort for me to turn over such a notebook to someone. but i was meeting good people at the time. so, let me continue with the contents of this memory box. there is my chapbook of poetry that i made in 2000, a book that a friend of mine had been writing and gave to me (it is pretty awesome), all of my old media tags and various relics from the protests that i was a part of, my two old phone books, pictures postcards and letters from people.

really just a bunch of old crap that makes me really sentimental - and i like it. (you are starting to realize why it sucks that i perused this place before writing, huh?) the best thing that is in there, something i am very surprised that i still have, is a magazine that i got at the the chicago blues festival in 1995. it is one of two that i got, i imagine the other one went to rob in the 2003 exodus. i figured this one had as well, but here i found it. it is the whole reason why i ended up becoming who i am.

this changed my life.

my parents had recently divorced and my dad was getting remarried, i was moving from where i had always been to someplace new. i had an opportunity to do something new and be whoever i wanted, but i just didnt know who to be. i certainly didnt want to be someone from MTV or 90210, i wanted to be unique. and this magazine gave me the chance. the cover of it simply says "THIS IS A STATEMENT OF REVOLUTION" and it is all about subverting the system and how we need to start building something new while we are tearng down the old. it is pretty awesome, certainly dated now. but, remember, in 1995 there wasnt an internet where wayward kids could just find a community and plug in.

so i read this and the other magazine religiously. i also listened to the tapes and became my own person. i am very thankful that the zendik farm folks came out that year and convinced me to give them $5 for a couple ratty mags and tapes. so, that is what i have been doing for the last couple of hours. it happens at least once every other year and every time i try to convince myself to get rid of some of the things, but i never really do. but other than this nostalgia party (i have started typing again after being absorbed for an hour or so...) i had a day.

i was woken up much earlier than i wanted to be, my friend abbie in indiana called me and i got up to answer the phone thinking it was steve wanting to get into his apartment. since she has only called me one other time in the last eleven years or so i figured i would answer it. and it was pretty good. she called to talk to me about some of the problems she had been having in life, specifically with relationships and in my half awake state i listened and tried to be a good phone partner. and after that i was up.

action shot!

not that i wanted to be. but i started working on cover letters and job applications when i got another call. this time from my friend jennifer here in portland. i had just seen her the night before so i answered the call, she had gotten a flat tire on her car and wanted me to come help her change it. i thought about it for a minute, i was kind of doing things, but nothing that needed to really get done, so i said i would come help her out.

if anything, i could get some pictures of me changing a tire. see, after nine months on the road and not having very many truck stoppages i was feeling a bit left out. on my way into portland from salem i had visions of a cop catching me speeding and chasing me, but (wanting to keep my perfect record for not being pulled over) i tried to outrun the cop. in the process i got a flat tire and then lost control of the truck and it spun off the road and was totaled. lucky i was able to keep away and bring you the story of the harrowing end to my trip. unfortunately, none of this happened. my truck just continued to slowly disintegrate as it drove evenly into multnomah county.

so, this opportunity, to help a friend and get some action shots was something i couldnt pass up. i got my shit together quickly and went to find her. when i pulled up i realized that i hadnt changed a tire in this millenium. well, bike tires, but i am not awesome at that. so i tried to act "the man" and make the broken tire come off so the fixed tire could go on...i performed admirably. at least i didnt break anything else and i havent heard back from her that the new tire came off while she was driving. so thats all good.

she bought me a bagel after that but i couldnt stay long becuase i had to meet steve up for lunch! its funny, i have all the time in the world but things still seem to get really cluttered and fall on top of each other and i am rushing. i did not have this eccentricity before i left. then i was always on time (and on time meant at least 15 minutes early) and everything was spaced so that there would be no possible way that i could be late. very bland.

action shot!

so, on the way to meet steve i stopped at my friend adam's bookstore. i hadnt seen him since i have been back. i visited him and his wife love back when i was in denver, but they had since relocated to portland and opened a small bookstore called "copyleft books." i stopped in to see him, but they werent open yet...but he had left the door unlocked so i went in and left him a note. then i drove back to steves apartment to ditch my truck and get my bike. then i rode right back towards where i had come from to meet steve for lunch.

i was early. so i went in and read the paper for awhile and then steve got there and we hung out for a lunch while. after that we both rode back to his apartment to do work. he had to do things for his company and i had to finish my dumb resumes and cover letters and the like. i also got my taxes wrapped up and sealed to send away. i had to go find a fax machine to fax one of my applications, that was strange.

then i rode back to adams bookstore to see him. i spent a couple of hours hanging out with him there, which was really nice. we got to talk about a bunch of things and just hang out, we made some tentative plans for later as i was leaving, but that eventually never panned out. instead i got wrapped up the above memory box joy and seem to have lost track of time a little bit. shitty!