collected-thoughts-on-paper me versus real-time me

when i started this trip - oh so many months ago - my idea of it was much different than what actually transpired. the excitement has always been there, when i was building my truck, secretly starting this blog, scheming various realities that i alone had the opportunity to prove or disprove, all of that was exciting. i knew that i money was a thing that, and this thing would be the a frequent contributor to the outcome of my decisions. to that end, my plan was to ride the wind. not unlike anna fang.

really, i was just going to be a taxi service. my idea to workaround capital was to spend as little money as possible on gas, taking travelers from point a to point b (in accordance with a general line of travel that i had in mind for my trip) for a fee. haunting the craigslist rideshare board and using these people to get back into the groove of being a real person. and so, the final decider for when i would leave portland hinged on when i could catch a rider heading south or east.

that person was reuben, he was heading southwest (perfect) and leaving on the 14th of may. so was i reuben, so was i. from bend, or wherever it was that i left him i was supposed to pick up another rider, someone to contribute to the gas tank. but after that first day all of the ideas that i had been concocting about this trip crumbled into dust and flitted away. i wasnt making the long jumps that i had expected, and i liked going on the back roads between small towns instead of large long jumps on the bland expressway between megacity and metropolis.

i posted a few more times on craigslist, from wherever i was to some point towards where i was going, but this only lasted a week or so and i never responded to any of the folks that were hoping to copilot. and then i gave up on the idea completely. it wasnt until i picked up a hitchhiker in new mexico (just going to the rainbow festival) that another person sat in my truck. and, really, my truck has been devoid of people for this trip. maybe ten people existed as passengers, one other person actually drove my truck, and maybe six people were in the back of it.

and so, my attempt to become more of a real person failed. at least in the way i wanted to be more real. i have gotten better at being around people, regained some confidence about people actually liking me, certainly found new joy in the world, all these are good things. but those are all actionable items, things that happen after the point of impact - after the spark. what do they say? "actions come easy, its the moments just before that are hard, when i have to get my head on the same page as my heart."

anyway, i havent done so good with that just yet. i dont think i have ever been very good with taking the first step. pretty good at follow through, but i got a bad starter. this could be one of the reasons i keep the company of people more outgoing than i am, good starters for me to work with. some kind of symbiance. anyway, i am rambling right now. my point is that i havent accomplished all of the goals that i set out to.

a couple weeks ago i realized how my situation had changed and tried to get back to the original idea of this trip. since i left chicago it has really been just expressway driving between large points on a map, perfect conditions for me to get better at "knocking on the door." this dawned on me somewhere around alton and from there i started posting on various craigslists where i was, where i was going and when i was leaving. from little rock to dallas, dallas to okc, okc to amarillo, amarillo to albuquerque, to flagstaff, to las vegas, to los angeles, to santa cruz. i think that is all the posts i have done.

at first there wasnt much response but as i started working further west more people were interested in my rides. a few times i just wasnt into the people who responded, but it was in los angeles where i got a ton of responses and i responded to a few of them but was never able to "seal the deal." i stayed in santa barabara the other night and again got a bunch of people from there who wanted a ride to santa cruz. eventually i realized that i wouldnt be able to go through with it. the thought process is a muddled mess, but the basics are: what the hell am i going to talk with a stranger about for five hours, what if i want to stop for something that they dont, since they are purchasing my services am i their servant now, etc?

now, i have come to terms with not being able to initiate interactions with people. i mean, even throughout this trip with people i know, i have been terrified to make that initial real-life communication. sometimes it has been debilitating, and that is strange. like when i couldnt just knock on the door to friedels house, or even a day later when i hesitated for minutes to knock on tiffanys door. there is some deep seated inner pessimism or other little devil that keeps reminding me of all the bad things, all the things that could go wrong and oftentimes it is just easier to be alone. ever present restless uncertainty.

one night, in los angeles, i had planned to hang out with friedel but that fell through and instead of going back to tiffanys i opted to just sleep in my truck. in the morning i had a raging internal debate. when i went back to tiffanys should i lie and say that i stayed at friedels or should i tell the truth that i slept in my truck just a couple blocks away from her house. i ended up telling the truth, by a narrow margin, she and austin were incredulous at my decision. they were certainly up when i made the decision to not go back to their house, so what circumstances contributed to the decision to just not go back to her house?

all of this matters right now because i am knocking on portland door and i am supposed to be a different person, at least a somewhat changed person. i am supposed to come back and see all of these old friends, the most concentrated area of friends that exists for me, and i am still frozen when i comes to just announcing myself in some way. these nine months were supposed to help me in some way, and i have some really great experiences and awesome new friends, but i need to put whatever i learned into action (or at least lie about it in such a way that it appears i have learned something).

i would like to say that this is something that just sprang from nowhere, but i have been thinking about it very much recently and it has been on my radar for a long time. i have always known that i would have to get back to portland and then do something. and that something better include personal happiness and a fair amount of the friends that i have made living in portland the last seven years.

so, i got about five days to figure this out. i am thinking party.