songs to remember all we have lost and all we have loved

well, las vegas. earlier on this trip when i was at the grand canyon, in june, a lady found me on the internet her name was pam and she implored me to backtrack a little bit and come to las vegas. i considered it, but ultimately decided to continue north and east. i assured her that i would come to las vegas on my way back. and then this whole trip happened to get me to a point that i could stay true to my promise.

i set a course that would take me to the few places in the southwest that i had people to see in and las vegas was right on that line. i got back in touch with her and said "here i come." well we didnt meet one another the day i got here, but we talked and last night we finally met each other. but first i had a day in las vegas.

i woke up very early yesterday, owing to the fact that i went to bed real early and that i am now on pacific time. i only spent about 3 days in mountain time, so for most purposes my body was still working on central time - the time zone that i have spent most of this trip in. maybe because it is the largest time zone, or maybe i like the people there a whole bunch. that will remain a mystery.

i sat in my truck, just laying there, for at least an hour. then i willed myself to get dressed and see what this day had to say to me. it wasnt very encouraging. after getting out into the day i then sat in the front of my truck for another length of time trying to decide what to do. it was too early to call pam and meet her, my cousin that i had found here was at work so i couldnt meet her either, and i just had one of those hours where i curse myself for ever even being on this trip because i have no direction right now. but i reassured myself about some of the great things that this trip has brought about and the wonderful people i have met.

and then i went out for breakfast.

however, after that the same thoughts and conundrum of what to do filtered throughout my body. these feelings are a testament to the fact that i do not have it all figured out. i convinced myself to go to las vegas - the las vegas people see in the movies. i went down to the strip and it was actually a good decision, well thought out if had been thinking about it the right way. see, i still hadnt had the funds injection that i was expecting from steve, i had about $60 in the bank and at least $2 in cash on me. so, in hindsight, choosing to explore this tourist trap of a town when i had no money was really a good decision.

i parked and went into the tropicana casino first. for the most part all of the casinos are connected to each other via skywalks so i went in there and put one of my dollars into one of the first machines i saw. rapidly that dollar turned into zero cents. i walked

tag: the best city in las vegas

across the sky to the new york new york casino. i liked this one, they had a big roller coaster around it and the facade of the building is set up to look like the new york skyline. very innovative.

i walked through here, and then kept going. back across the street and down onto the pavement. walking up las vegas boulevard and enjoying the sunshine. i just kept going, determined to walk the whole strip or at least to caesars palace, the furthest casino i could see. i walked by planet hollywood, the harley davidson place, the eiffel tower, and a number of other casino/hotels and went into very few of them. eventually i got to the palace and went inside. i dont know what i was expecting, all of the casinos look the same on the inside. i walked through there and then went into the bellaggio. now i am on the other side of the street.

and, this walk/sightseeing/casino haunting took the better part of two hours. i was not in a hurry and there are plenty of things to look at, stop and gawk awhile. inside the bellaggio i decided to part ways with my second - and last - dollar bill. i sidled up to a machine that was eerily similar to the oregon state lottery machines and inserted my bill. it was a penny slot machine, so i had 100 credits, i could play about ten games. i started hitting the button, slowing the release, examining the screen, smoking a cigarette, burning time, and soon i found myself down to my last 20 cents.

but the next push of the button brought three turkeys on the screen and the machine went into a special mode - i had ten free spins at double whatever i would win. and after these played themselves out i found myself up to almost 800 credits. i shouldve walked away then, up $7 on the machine. but, i continued there pushing the button until i was back down to a few credits. and again, right when i was about to run out of credits i won again - this time only two dollars. i burned through this rather quickly and when it was all gone i got up and tried to maneuver back to the exit. i had been there for a little bit of time and just wanted to get back outside.

outside the bellaggio is a huge pool that watercraft traverse and lights and fountains spring from. there is a scene in a movie where brad pitt stands in a little alcove and watches these fountains. he stands there with george clooney. so, i went and stood around the same place they did, at every one of the fifteen or alcoves. anything to get closer to brad pitt.

laughing at myself for this, i walked away. i kept on down this side of the street but stayed outside, weaving through the slow traffic of tourists. eventually i could see the tropicana again and this time i went into the mgm grand instead of new york to cross back over towards where my truck was parked. inside the mgm they have a lion habitat and i stood around there for awhile watching these big cats and the trainers inside the cage. these guys were just petting these animals as if they were house cats and i wanted nothing more than to just go up in there and pet them as well.

that got boring after awhile, so i went back over to the tropicana. by this time i had convinced myself to get some money out of the atm machine and gamble some more. but first i wanted to get back to my truck, to ditch a jacket and to drink some water. i walked through the tropicana, i was all sweaty from walking in the sun, and i got lost real quick in the casino, trying to find the entrance near my truck. there are cameras everywhere, i am walking to strange and deserted places and sweating. suspicious. so i finally asked someone where the exit i wanted was and she pointed me in the direction, it was a hidden corridor behind a bank of slot machines.

i got to my truck and checked in with myself that i was really prepared to gamble some of the dwindling funds i had. i agreed with myself that it was a good idea (how dumb) and walked back in to an atm machine. i plugged my card in and typed in $20, but then they wanted a service charge. you would think since the money you are getting from the atm in the casino is all going right back into the casino that they wouldnt charge a fee - or at least a nominal one. the service fee was almost $5. that would be like 12% of my remaining money and i deemed it not worth it. so i walked back out to sit in my truck longer.

i got in touch with pam but she was busy for awhile, so i found a coffee shop to sit and sip tea at while i wasted away on the internet. that got boring after awhile so i went to a bookstore to catch up on my magazines. then pam got back in touch with me and we were set to meet at her house around 8:pm. by this time i had also gotten in touch with my cousin, nicole, who invited to her house in north vegas to watch american idol. i passed on this offer, thinking that pam might put a little more on the table.

meeting pam was strange. strange because i was meeting a perfect stranger at her house. we know absolutely nothing about one another and now we are just pushed together and told to make it work. she was home with some real tall dude and they were playing music. music would become something of a topic of the night that i wasnt involved in. they played some songs while i just sat there, and this went on for about an hour. slowly more people came over to play music and i wasnt really talking to anyone. just sitting on the couch. when pams man friend came back we all went over to the local bar called "stake out."

i walked with these 4 other people the two blocks to the bar and, well, i guess i was hoping for something more. it was after 10:pm now and i was tired. the bar was a pretty normal place, kind of divey but it was still expensive. we sat down and the folks i was with, especially pam, knew everyone there. i was introduced as "my friend brian who is traveling around the country in his pickup truck." i dont really like this introduction, generally people then ask where i have been. i dont have a good answer for this. but none of these people cared. i sort of wilted into the background.

the people i was with were playing the jukebox and were very much music people, talking about music festivals and bands and such. i didnt know many of the people they were talking about, not because they were obscure, but because they were popular. i felt a little bit dumb when they were talking about thom yorke and i didnt know who that was. apparently he is the singer from a very famous band that most people like called radiohead. i have never really listened to radiohead - aside from their first album when i was like 16 or something.

they were singing along to the songs and talking about how awesome the music was and then someone played a mountain goats song. i was like, aha!, i know this and can contribute when they all start taking about the mountain goats. i can talk about how i got into them when it was just john darnielle, well before they were a thing and, you know, i could hold some sway. but no one sang along to these songs or even gave it mention. it was as if they didnt even like the music, so i didnt mention anything. just sat there nursing my overpriced pbr.

after the real tall kid left i saw this as my opportunity to leave as well. it was after midnight now and i was over being awake. so i said goodbye to the few folks whose names i remembered and told pam that i would call her today. i will probably still do that, but more so i just want to see my cousin for a little bit, go to the pinball museum and then get out of this place. when i left it was raining outside. i didnt really know that it rained in las vegas. i mean, i know it rains here, but this was a heavy rain and i was surprised at that.

in the morning it was still raining, it had rained all night long and gotten heavier. i didnt want to leave my truck. i just sat back there for about two hours reading and listening to music. i like music and i guess i have particular tastes, i was sort of boosting my confidence after the night of being a music dummy. and, with this, i started thinking about my life. (most any music can delve me into these pits of thought, but - for reference - these are some of the songs i was hearing this morning: "with arms outstretched" - rilo kiley; "jersey girl" - tom waits; "ode to my family" - the cranberries; "speeding motorcycle" - yo la tengo; "germinal" - blackbird raum; "a line allows progress, a circle does not" - bright eyes; "sarah baker turns partying into art" - chicks on speed; "not without" - tin tree factory; "yellow walls" - jackson c. frank. okay, it was on random, i am done trying to recreate this playlist.)

actually, since i have left chicago and moved so quickly to be within striking distance of portland i have been thinking much heavier and more in-depth thoughts about my life. i have been thinking of and preparing ways to wrap up this trip, this blog, this part of my life. i sit and think about the different things i have learned and the experiences i have had, how to adapt them and turn them into positive things moving forward. i think about getting an apartment or a house in portland and how i am going to decorate it.

i think about the people on this trip that i have met or seen that i want to see again, what that looks like. how i need to find some kind of gainful employment and then also a place to live - what all of this is going to look like. the people in portland whom i havent seen for many months and will soon be back upon and how our relationships will have changed, shrunk or grown since i have been gone.

the future is that way.

these thinking sessions arent very helpful. mostly they just accentuate my confusion in life and how i very little figured out. i have a bunch of things that i want to accomplish or things that i want to have - feelings i want to feel - and reminding myself of them but not being able to come up with logical and realistic plans for attaining them. i soothe myself by convincing myself that most people feel this way about life, but i also dont have any proof or reason to know how most people feel or what most people think. could be everyone is a shiny happy start that has everything figured out and they just slowly walk down a deliberate and clear path, encountering few obstacles along the way. while i am off the beaten track, slashing through the wilderness as my machete grows ever duller.

anyway. every day i am getting closer to my future and i know that for all the thinking and planning i can do the real thing will bear little resemblance to whatever i am thinking. ah, the future.