what do i want, i wish that i knew // i dont know the future, i wish that i did

i live this life and complete this journey with a heavy heart. i have sat and stared at this screen for the better part of an hour trying to find a way to put my thoughts and feelings into some cohesive update about this thing called life. for all intensive purposes i have been out on the road for eight months now, i have come and gone through hundreds of places and in a number of them i have met with my old friends or made new friends and my mind is clouded about my intentions and my future.

once an idea is set into motion the easiest and usually most logical action is to allow it to follow through that motion to its end. and so, i am leaving chicago. it doesnt get easier, it isnt getting easier.

lets have a review of the past days - this should be easier than finding and applying big words to veil my feelings. so. the other night i was excited, i had a good thursday night with my friend mike and his lady friend vicki, not my usual thing, but that added to its awesomeness. the next day i found myself still in the city of chicago, and since i was here i decided i should see this band that i had found on my trip and came to like very much.

the band is called mucca pazza chicago's own punk rock marching band. i got in touch with a number of my friends int he city and rallied them to attend what would probably be an amazing show. after a number of text messages and other communication i had rallied a number of people to the cause. satisfied, i went about my night. the show wasnt set to start until 10:pm and i had to occupy that time. however, halfway through my time occupation i was alerted to the fact that the show this evening was sold out.

i called the club and asked if they could sneak a couple of people through the back door. they laughed (it is always worth a shot to ask these silly things, the audacity of it has about an 8% chance of working and that is much higher than the 0% chance if you didnt ask), but informed me they didnt have a back door. i tried to call my friend diane to see if she could work some of her old contacts to get us into a sold out show. unfortunately she was in mexico at the time and nothing could be worked out.

so, i had to disband the troops and rework the evening. i went over to vaughndas and proceeded to spend the evening with her. we went to a bar in her neighborhood called the burlington. it had nice ambiance but i felt it was much too loud for its small size. the patrons werent very friendly either. at one point i got yelled at by a lady named robin because i was listening in on and even joining her conversation. but that is something that happens at bars, people mingle and meet one another. their conversation wasnt all that interesting, so i was glad when they walked away.

later we went back to her apartment and had a nice night of sleeping next to one another. this is something i have missed quite a bit being on this trip for so long so i ate it up. we had a nice morning and went back to the handlebar for breakfast. then we took a nice walk around wicker park. we talked about some of the building architecture and the unsightliness of new modern construction in old neighborhoods. this was something i had some knowledge about, having been the land-use chairperson for my neighborhood and helping to raise awareness about these new constructions and even fighting the designs within the city government. like a mini-politician.

we went into an art gallery and into a small bakery with ornate confections. it was just really nice to walk around for awhile with this wonderful person and share a day of life together. i was happy. later we went back to her apartment and napped together. i dont think i have ever napped with someone else before - napping is not something i am built for - but i enjoyed the experience. and then i left to go meet up with some friends.

these people, nick and heidi, are good people. i had been trying to get together with nick all week long, but he was summarily ignoring all of my attempts. eventually he admitted to having the sickness and this was the reason he isolated himself. i accepted his reasons, i was just happy that we got to see one another before i left. we went to the fireman bar near their apartment, just for a drink, and then formulated a plan for the evening and set off to actualize it.

that plan was karaoke. it is something that for most of my life i was deathly afraid of and readily railed against its merits. now, things are different. it is still sometimes hard for me to get that first song in, nerves, but after that first song is in i am all about it and want to sing more. we went to a place called the hidden cove. it is a little dive bar that features karaoke every night. and not very fancy karaoke. the books are at the end of the bar, you sign yourself up on a sheet and the bartender just yells out the names in the order they are written down and punches in a song.

there are two video screens and one microphone. the mic is situated center stage amid a laser show. i like that they arent even trying to be fancy. i did make my first karaoke enemy early on in the night. i was trying to enter in some songs on the list for me to sing, but he was hoarding the sign up sheet. i asked for it from him and he said that he was using it, but really he was jut flipping through the books. eventually he came over to me with the sign up sheet, but took over the book i had open to my page and started looking again for his song. this incident was a preview to how obnoxious he would be throughout the night.

he sang first-ish - he was the first i remember. he sang eye of the tiger, and had some gusto but did a poor job of it. quickly after that i was up with my first song, born to run! i had never sang this song at karaoke but have listened to it heartily in the style of paul baribeau and ginger alford. we video recording a number of our selections. i have wathed them and deemed them a bit too hilarious and of poor quality to post anywhere yet. maybe as easter eggs of the special edition dvd of my life. i went on to sing my way and the boys are back in town. nick sang i wanna sex you up and tennessee. we were kicked out before heidi had a chance to sing.

i wanted the fact that we were kicked out to conjure some wicked or sinister dealings that we engaged in to get kicked out of a dive karaoke bar. alas, it wasnt our fault - the being kicked out. at some point a lady was leaning back on her chair and caught herself - but not the chair - before it slammed backward and busted the front window of the bar. songs went on for about ten minutes after this occurred, but eventually the bar people said that it was hazardous and everyone had to leave, the bar was being shut down and an emergency team was coming to board up the window.

it was midnight, i was tired, but we kept on a little bit. we went back tot he black rock where i was staying that night. alex was just done with work and having a drink. so the three of us joined him. shortly mike tsirtsis showed up and we were all hanging out. it was nice, this was what i had been trying to make happen in the previous week to have my friends come together and all hang out. later, alex's ex-wife, tiffany, showed up. i hadnt seen her for quite awhile and the story of how they met is a part of our history and a funny thing.

and since i will never have another reason to recollect it, i will do it now.

oh, to be seventeen. i have written about my forays into the seedy night life of a teenager in northwest indiana. late night coffee shops and shows in the city. well, it happened one night that i was at the late night coffee shop with alex, and maybe some other people. at a table somewhat near us existed a group of girls from whiting. i dont think we knew them at all, but we had seen them there before. tiffany was certainly the cutest of the group.

she and her gang left before us. i had a recognizable car back in the day and an outgoing personality - i was arrogant. so it was easy for most people to identify me and my ride. and, by extension, the people that were with me. i know i write this as if i were some kind of mastermind of a group of indiana outcasts - the leader of the doomed. that probably isnt true, but since my memory is hazy and i have to write about these things we'll just have to live with my perspective on it.

as alex and i were leaving we came up to my car and found a note on it. it was under the windshield, on the drivers side, and i picked it up and read it. it was from tiffany. it said something about hanging out at some point and gave her phone number. i was elated by this, it is nice to be noticed. i let alex read the note and then we debated about who she left the note for. me or alex. i was dead positive that she had left the note for me, and alex didnt put up much of a fight on that point but he did make an argument. he said something along the lines of me being able to get any girl that i wanted (which is patently untrue) and he wasnt able too. he asked me to give him the note and let him call her back so he could ride along whatever wave this path of life offered him.

i acquiesced. they started hanging out and eventually dating one another. then they got pregnant, got married (i was asked to be the best man, but declined), got a house, had a kid, and got divorced. sometimes i still joke with alex that tiffany had meant that note for me and he should just turn over his son to me. 12 years later, i am sure alex still has that note somewhere. and although i have been gone a lot he is still a good friend. thats awesome.

so we were all sitting at the bar and just having a good time. the bar closed and we stayed on after close. we eventually called it a night around four in the morning. i wasnt very drunk, but i was tired and was elated about the evening. i had written that my day was so good that my night would have a hard time living up to it. the night put up a good fight.

and then sunday morning happened. i woke up late and went out to my truck. i turned it over and it started for a moment then died. i tried again and nothing. i was freaked out. were the gods toying with me saying ever so subtlety that i shouldnt leave chicago - they would make every effort to impede my progress? luckily the gods are no match for jumper cables. i took alex's car to my truck and jumped my vehicle, making it go. i was relieved. i sat at the bar for a little bit, mostly just resting on the couches int he back. i ate some breakfast and then showered - preparing myself for my final date with vaughnda johnson.

i had been thinking about it since i got up, probably since the night before, maybe even since i left indiana. that one day i would have to break off from this wonderful experience and keep going south. the knowledge of this impending end did little to lessen the blow of it becoming a real thing. she had a figure drawing class, and met me at black rock when it was over. we went out for lunch (i wasnt hungry, so i ordered the cheapest thing - menudo. stomach lining soup. i do not recommend it.)

after she asked me to come back to her apartment to neck with her for a couple of hours. i thought that was a good idea, and i liked that she asked to neck instead of make-out or something. she is a nice lady. and so we spent our final hours together, enjoying each other and having some wonderful bed talk. but it all had to end. it just had too. she had to go to a dance rehearsal and well, i didnt have anything to do. i drove her to the dance rehearsal. it was a generally quiet ride. i wasnt really at-the-ready with something witty or something that would change the fact that this was the last time we would see one another.

once we were at the dance space, we kissed a few times in the car. i did inform her that she was not getting away without some romantic embrace and kiss in the glare of the headlights and cold of the night. and then that was it. she walked to the door of her rehearsal space and i sat in my truck. i turned down the music and went back to the bar in silence. sigh.

at the bar, i found alex with his work friends. they were preparing to go out to eat somewhere, i asked alex if he wanted to just hang out with me. and the reason is because alex is such an awesome friend to me. he gives me a place to stay, helps to make my first date with vaughnda even happen, makes me food and is just my friend for better or worse. and since most of my time in the city i had been with vaughnda and he had been working, i thought it would be nice to just spend some time together, find some way to show my appreciation for him being a part of my life.

but we ended going out with his friends to a taco bar in wicker park. the draw, they said, was that it was very cheap and very good. living on a negative income, my idea of cheap is much different than these bar people who make $300 a night or more in tips. the tacos, small as they were, were $2 or more apiece. the beer was $3 a can. i ordered very little while the people around me ordered a whole bunch, they talked about work and i just sat there in silence. it wasnt much fun for me. but, i am not sure that any kind of group activity wouldve been fun for me.

by the time we had left i had spent $11 - which is a lot for me to spend on food. the three of them had spent about $120. including shots of tequila and whiskey that were $10 each. absolutely ridiculous. i was happy when alex dropped them off at another bar and i didnt have to be with them anymore. alex was going back to indiana so he dropped me back at the black rock. we sat and had a cigarette in his car. in my way i told him how much i appreciated his kindness and then gave him back his key. the end was upon me.

i went upstairs and gathered up my meager things, preparing myself for life on the road again. life in the cold heading into an uncertain future. who knows, maybe this time it will be different.