badly pronounced and half finished sentences from a stupid suburban novel

when i left portland to be on this trip, the title for this portion of my life was: My Magnificent Travel of the Summer of 2009. see, that title made sense because this trip was supposed to last six months. and then i was supposed to come back to portland as a renewed individual ready to face the complexities of life with a fresh perspective. well, this journey has overstepped its boundaries and will need to be retitled - i am still working on that. as a matter of fact, i think the entire purpose and goals of this trip need to be reimagined.

with that in mind, i am going to summarize my journey of 2009. it will be a poor

the enormity of this trip (santa barbara)

summarization that leaves out just about everything that happens and instead focuses on how my current feelings are reflecting upon my memories...or something like that:

May: I am laid off from my job, simultaneously Emily suggests that we should live separately - yet remain a couple. I acquiesce and prepare for a shitty life. In the course of our discussions, Emily suggests that I dont just have to have a shitty life - she suggests that I could travel. After all, it is something that I had done in the past and it successfully reinvigorating my life. I adapt my pickup truck to function as a living space and set off.

Summer: I am reinvigorated. My life seems to be better out in the world, after some initial awkwardness in meeting some old friends, I remember what it is like to be a real person and free. However, I am often lonely and longing for regular companionship - the road exists not without its drawbacks. Emily and I barely speak to one another, more because of circumstance rather than choice.

my steed and i (st. louis)

August: My beard is long and after spending a wonderful week in St. Louis I am returning to visit my family. This allows me to decompress, assess my life and choices and determine my happiness. I like being with my old friends - the ease of it all. After a month in the region I leave and it is like starting this trip over again. The days grow shorter and my joy thins. Things become tedious and after being turned away from the Canadian border I take up smoking again.

Fall: I power through the east coast, there are memorable and very enjoyable visits with friends, but I am determined not to encounter cold weather. I find myself in Richmond - a city I am in love with. With my friends there, I am comfortable and happy again. Thoughts of my relationship-on-hold come ever more frequently and eventually action must dominate inaction. I take counsel from close friends, and decide to break up with Emily.

November: Despondent again. My beard has grown out of control and months on the road have affected my appearance and demeanor. I am regarded as a regular homeless person and this distinction affects my ability to enjoy certain adventures that had punctuated my trip previously. I find myself in

the friends i have met and made (portsmouth)

New Orleans and am presented with a decision. Head north for the holidays or continue west with this trip.

December: My loneliness and despondency dominates my judgment and I head north towards my family. My personal funds have recessed quickly and I am ever conscious of the money I spend on frivolous things like food. The safety and comfort of being with my family has warmed me to the point that I want nothing more than to be a part of something so wonderful for always. However my head is overwhelmed by the possibilities and decisions i must make pending the inevitable conclusion of this journey.

well, now that that is finished i want to elaborate on my choice of words - as anyone who has met me will know i am a very happy person. despondency and sadness are not qualities that i regularly or openly portray, every single moment that i am here i am trying to be as happy as i possibly can and the moments of overwhelming joy are not few and far between. it just so happens that when i choose to sit and write i reflect more on the side that i share less prominently.

you know, trying to make myself more of a complete person.