my life in full revue

so, i have been back here for a couple of days and have been taken to one of the requisite family parties already. it was my aunt carol's 50th birthday party, supposedly a surprise, and poorly planned. my brother came to pick me up in the early afternoon and he was in a bad mood. he has been to enough of these things to know how they turn out. basically, the planning amounted to a clusterfuck. three different people gave out different times and the main organizer of the event chose to go to the christmas party at the bar instead of the birthday party.

so it was a good thing my brother bought a half-rack of beer and some hot damn before we arrived. i hadnt seen my mom since i was back, so it was nice to see her, but it is rarely exciting to hang out with this side of the family. eventually many people showed up and it was an enjoyable time. again, i got to see a whole bunch of family that i havent seen in many years - like 8 years. one of my cousins has 6 kids, the oldest of which is 7...and i had never met any of them. i quizzed her knowledge of her childrens names. i dont know if she got them all right, but judging by her offense to my quiz i think she did.

we stayed there for many hours, i got to see a glimpse of my future self...in the form of my uncle mike. another person i havent seen for many many years. probably more like 12-15 years. my mom's brother, aka my uncle. he is a couple inches

my uncle mike/my future

shorter than me, but has balded in the same way that i am currently balding, he has the same frame and can grow the same red beard. well, maybe not any longer - his is more gray than red, but i am sure that is what i have to look forward too.

then i had a long conversation with my uncle snake about hydrogen. a couple of years ago i got some no-nonsense plans from the internet on how to supplement your vehicle with hydrogen and get like 200 miles from a gallon of gas. when i was here earlier in the year i wanted to find him and have him convert my truck because he has been an auto mechanic his entire life. he told me stories about when he was my age and he fiddled with hydrogen. he converted a cadillac in the 80's to supplement gasoline with hydrogen. he said the gain was negligible and that the danger was significant. he explained it in terms of having a small hydrogen bomb under your hood at all times.

so, he said he wouldnt help me with the conversion. oh well.

shortly after this it was time for us to leave. us included my brother and his girlfriend. however, instead of leaving and heading home my brother wanted to go to the bar. and this is where the bulk of what i want to explore lies. the bar we went to was the town club, in cedar lake indiana. this is the bar that y parents went to for much of my childhood, as a child - under ten - i knew the phone number to this bar by heart. if there were such a thing as speed-dial in my youth this wouldve been in the top three. the other two also being bars.

upon entering this bar we met frankie. frankie is my dad's longtime friend, a few years younger than my dad and probably a large proponent of my dads partying when i was a child. he gave me a hug and then he talked with my brother about work. then, louie - another lifelong (my life) friend of my dad came over and bought us drinks. he was with my moms best friend, shelly, and i gave her a hug. and then my brother went about the bar - much like my does when i come in there to visit her - telling every single person that he knows that his brother is here.

so then i have to meet them, a number of them tell me stories of how they knew me

see how much fun we are having!

when i was little, and i have to say i dont remember them. but, it is like i am a show on display...but i am just a regular person. seriously. the way i am introduced is often as "alberts son" because everyone knows and remembers my dad. and then they see the resemblance. i get to hear that as a child my brother and sister looked like my dad and i looked like my mom, but now we all look just like my dad. that i have the same sense of humor and a similar demeanor. i quickly tired of all this. i tucked in at the back of the bar, allowing the world to exist with me as a non-participating observer.

i played the jukebox. and this was what got me through the night. one of my favorite lou reed songs is called "like a possum." it is a great song - for me - to just sit and think about my life. it is 18 minutes long, and mostly heavy guitar and a few lyrics. it was really helpful to listen to this song while watching this world happen. because, this world could have quite easily been my world. i could have spent many of my formative years at this bar hanging out with my parents friends and transitioning them to be my friends as well. i could have, but i chose to get out of there.

after that song, i played a few more. it is hard to find good songs for the environment i was in and that i liked. i played wanda jackson, johnny cash, the doors, the velvet underground, and a few others. i think they went over well. eventually my mom came to the bar to hang out with us. by this time i was pretty well done there. but we stayed on for another hour or so. enough time for my brother to become drunk and almost get into a fight. we kind of had to pull him out of there.

on the ride home my brother lapsed into one of his introspective diatribes about his life. these are a common thing for when i am around. i know that the differences between his life path and my life path sting him. he thinks he wants to be able to have a life more along the lines that i live and when i am here it becomes more apparent. so, we had to listen to him talking about why he drinks as he does when he is out and how he doesnt like his job but doesnt feel like he has any options, he doesnt feel as appreciated as he thinks he should be. i have heard this all before.

i dont know if paige had, but probably. we got back to my dads house and joe sat in the garage brooding for awhile. i went out there and we chatted some more. i like having heart to hearts with my brother, with my family. i think that i have good advice, but that could be entirely wrong.

the thing that i dont ever, or at least havent ever, acknowledged is that i have similar introspective life debates. whenever i come back to indiana i cannot help but think about the life i could have had if had never left. i would have had a very steady job and been around a family that look out for another at all costs and just had everything that a person could ever need in life. turning my back on all of that is something that i debate the merits of. the easier word to use there wouldve been "regret" but it wouldnt have been the right word. i have never regretted leaving here, but i have always thought about the course of life if i hadnt left.

certainly, i would have a home and probably a wife with at least one kid bouncing around, a cat. i probably wouldve had my regrets and more longing for a life that i never explored. in short, i probably wouldve been in a similar space that my brother is in. there were times in my life where i went too far out on the limb and wished for nothing more than the simple safe life that i couldve so easily accepted. right now i am just trying to write out the lyrics to "my way" by frank sinatra but adapt them to my life and circumstances.

i will save that.

the next day we went sledding. it had snowed overnight, my sister and my nephew came over. tuesday had come home from school and we were all under the same roof. us kids took the sleds down the hill for an hour or so. it was fun, bryce (my two year old nephew) was hilarious going down the hill, and eventually he started to like me a little bit. after that it was a pretty lazy day. my dad was cooking all day he made breakfast lunch and dinner.

the locks on the floor

at some point between lunch and dinner i decided it was time to shorn my locks. i got my sewing scissors from my truck, went into the garage and took of my shirts. it was cold. then i grabbed some hair in my hands and started cutting. it felt good, and there was a large pile of hair on the ground when i was finished. when i went back inside no one had noticed, so i had to point it out to them. then bobbie gave me some clippers and i went back out and cut my beard off as well. that also felt good, and resulted in a large pile of hair.

when i was done i took a shower and styled my new hair a bit. i was surprised at how evenly i had actually cut it. there wasnt a mirror and my method was just bending over and cutting the hanging hair. not very sophisticated, but it turned out a refined product.