everything is catching up

life is a whirlwind, and the past two weeks or so have been life. i decided on a path to track my way back to portland, 7000 miles over 80 days or so, but that has been scrapped due to mounting pressure. i talked to my brother on his birthday, when i was in beaufort, sc. we talked for about a half hour and he was amazed that i plan to make this "trip" last about nine months. he exclaimed "thats almost a year!" i concurred.

while i have thought for long periods of time about what this all means, hearing him be amazed by it reinforced that this is kind of amazing. but not in all good ways. after i decided to forego heading south on the outer banks i have been moving fast, things dont seem as exciting and i dont really know my purpose any longer. especially after i mapped my way back to portland, because i just made a route that would take me the few places that i want to see or to the places where there are people i want to visit, but the in between time has been and looks to be just moving for no good reason.

my favorite kind of bridges, beaufort.

i was in sc for a couple of days, myrtle beach, beaufort, charleston, maybe somewhere else. then i went to georgia, savannah. i spent the night there and then left the next day. i stopped in brunswick, but the town wasnt very active and i left after being there only a couple of hours. i had thought to go visit a hostel in the woods that boasts treehouses for folks to stay in. but since i had mapped my plan and my remaining money down to the last i wasnt able to justify the $25/night that it would cost to stay in the treehouses. and i wasnt able to find wireless to see where this place was in relation to brunswick. but mostly i just wanted to more on.

so, after barely two days in the state of georgia i found myself staying the night in jacksonville, fl. i was there for two nights (i think) and then thanksgiving was coming up. i knew everything would be closed wherever i was and jacksonville was just so large that i didnt want to be there any longer. so i went to gainesville. i drove there at night, which is a rare thing for me, i dont like driving at night. in gainesville i found a place to park and in the morning it was thanksgiving, and everything was closed. i wen to the library and sat outside for a bit using the wireless and then i went to the college and walked around.

i was hoping to find at least the student union open, so i could use the bathrooms, but no. so i sat around there reading for a few hours and then back to the library. around 5:pm, things started opening up again. i went to a bar where they had pbr for a dollar and a special thanksgiving dinner. i ate that - the first thing i had eaten that day - and had a few beers. i wasnt happy but it was okay. the night before i started showing symptoms of a cold. and i was just feeling horrible.

the bridge to savannah

i assumed that it was from being outside all the time and although the weather is nicer here it is still cold at night and i am basically sleeping outside. so i was pretty miserable. the next day i decided to leave gainesville, there was a big football game happening there the next day and i didnt want to get caught up in that. so i drove to tallahassee. i am in tallahassee now and it is okay. just before downtown there was a coop that i stopped in to look for some things to help my body deal with this cold. things were so expensive, so i just bought a bulb of garlic and resolved to purge my system with that and to start taking the cayenne pills again.

i stopped taking the cayenne pills while i was in indiana. i had taken half of the bottle since i bought it. i stopped because they are pretty painful. but this morning i took one again. it takes about 15 minutes for it to kick in, but when it does you have to poop and there is no stopping it. fire is in your throat and your stomach. it feels so bad. i was at the coffee shop, and i went to the bathroom. i sat in there for awhile, but when i felt that i had been in there too long, i pulled up and came out. i was dizzy and i was sweating, my entire body was shaking. i went and sat back down, but after a couple of minutes, stretching, walking around, drinking tea and water, i couldnt help it.

i felt like i had to vomit, so i went back into the bathroom. i got on the ground and stuck my fingers down my throat. a little bit of bile came up but then i just had to poop some more. i was in there another 10 minutes or so and then it was over. the discomfort is intense and last about 25 minutes. it feels like you are dying. when i came back out, though, i was fine. my head felt better and i wasnt focusing on my cold anymore. there was still visible beads of sweat on my forehead, luckily there were only two other people in the shop.

but then i was fine, i felt better and i debate about taking these pills. in the long run they seem to help, but that short period of pain is so intense, i am not sure i can keep up with it again. anyway. about my change of plans.

when i was talking to my brother on the phone he said that he wanted to fly me back up for christmas, that it would be a good thing to consider. the next day i was talking to my sister on the internet and she said similar things. she said that it had been so long since i spent a christmas with them, and she is right. i cant remember the last time i was "home for the holidays." in 1999 i made a special surprise visit from new york to visit my family on thanksgiving. i was in the area in december of 2003 but i dont think i was there for christmas. and i think that is it.

so i mulled it over. then on thanksgiving, my dad said the same thing and that he wanted to buy me a plane ticket, that i should just tell him where i will be and he would fly me back. so i looked into it a bit, and this is where my route plan took a change. i figured, at the rate i am traveling and the previous route i was going to take, i would be around austin when my dad wanted to fly me back. roundtrip flights from there to chicago, with the added cost of taking a bus from the airport to indiana, came out to about $380. if i were to continue to new orleans and from there start heading north again, i would be able to hit kentucky and tennessee, and make it back to valpo around the same time as they would fly me there. new orleans to valpo is about 1000 miles, if i were to drive it would cost $120 one way and then i would have to remap my way back.

so, i made the decision to do that. drive back north for the holidays and instead of paying for a plane ticket, they can just reimburse my gas costs and things would be about the same. and it was more than just that, this journey is supposed to be about finding myself. what self am i without my family? i have spent years and years away from them and they have still alwyas been there and supportive of whatever it is i find myself doing. i couldnt ask for a better family.

so thats the new plan. i will probably leave tallahassee tomorrow and then head towards new orleans. and there, i plan to cut my hair and shave my beard. i know, i have actively been against this for most of my trip. however, it is time. i think that all this hair is weighing me down emotionally and preventing me from experiencing all i can. see, this beard is very recognizable and i look like a bum. it has been hard to explore places becasue i am quickly singled out and moved along. so i have made this decision. yesterday as i was leaving gainesville, i stopped to do laundry and while i was there i made this decision.

i got out my sewing scissors and went into the bathroom, by intention was to cut it all off right then. there wasnt a mirror, so i just trimmed my mustache and went to my truck to examine the job i did. it was pretty bad and i assumed that any attempt at cutting more hair would be equally as bad. not to mention i would have hair all over me and i wouldnt be able to shower it away. i havent had a shower since i left richmond. it isnt as bad as it was in the summer, because the weather is cooler and i dont sweat, but still, i would like to take a shower. when i am settled again i have made the resolution to shower every day. that probably wont last long, but it is indiciative of how much i miss the things that we take for granted.