painting over the things i thought i knew

last night i had the most wonderful date i have ever been on. i havent held much stock in blind dates, but luckily this one wasnt completely blind. i have written before about being on a dating website called okcupid, and this lady i met last night is someone that comes from this place. as i am traveling i update my location to where ever i am going to be or to where i am heading so that i can scroll through my matches in the area and people watch on the internet. i have never been very compelled to pursue meeting people from this website.

i have exchanged plenty of messages with ladies on the website and even planned to meet up with a number of them, but when it comes down to it i just couldnt bring myself to it. basically, i talk myself out of it. like a tease. so i started a conversation with a lady in chicago and, well, one thing led to another. i had mentioned square dancing on my profile and picked up on that saying that if i ever actually came to chicago she would love to go square dancing with me.

immediately, i searched the internet for chicago area square dances. not only because of this carrot, but because square dancing is something that i love to do very much and i have had a hard time finding dances along my way. to my immense surprise i found a healthy square dancing community that lives in the city of chicago and there was a very perfectly timed dance that happened last night.

so i made some inquiries about the dance, floated an invitation and waited. in the meantime i went through the motions to make it to chicago for this dance should the offer actually be accepted. and it came down to the wire. i sourced some proper square dancing attire, a plaid shirt with leather shoulders, a bolo tie, jeans (!), and a cowboy hat. this would be the first time i have worn jeans for social purposes in at least ten years. there is something very strange about jeans to me, something about wearing blue pants that just doesnt mesh well with my peripheral vision.

my date, vaughnda (i know, what an awesome name), took some time to get back to me. for a day or so i felt as if she just wasnt going to respond. meeting people on the internet is wierd and i had started our conversation ensuring her that we would never meet one another and in just a few days time i am asking her on a date. but i had already set everything into motion and whether or not she wanted to come out with me i was headed to chicago for the evening. fortunately, the night before the square dance she got back to me, allayed any stranger danger and agreed to come out with me. i was happy about that but also nervous it would be hard to back out now. so i took some deep breaths and allowed this knowledge to course through my body and slept the night fully.

the next morning alex and i went out to some thrift store to get the jeans i wore and we went to pick up a digital camera from my sister because mine had recently crapped out - hence the lack of pictures recently. around 3:30 in the afternoon we left for chicago, i drove his little car/truck thing up and proceeded to go the wrong way on the expressway while he slept in the passenger seat. normally i am not bad at driving and i have made the trip from indiana to chicago hundreds of times. once i realized i had gone the wrong way i woke up alex and inquired about our next move. he navigated us through some southern city suburbs to find the proper expressway again and we set along our path.

we got to his work right at 5, which is also the time he had to start work so he sent me on some errands he wouldve accomplished had i not gotten us lost on the way to the city. i went to the store to buy some supplies for the bar kitchen that night. shortly after i finished shopping and was driving back to the bar vaughnda called me. this was the first time we had talked to one another and i was relieved to hear that she had a very pleasant voice. there was a bit of awkwardness but that was to be expected. she said that right at the end of her workday she had been given extra work to do. upon hearing this i thought she was giving me a line to get out of this date we had planned and my hope tanked for a moment.

but this was not the case. she just said it would delay her leaving working for a few minutes and we planned to meet up at alex's bar - the black rock. i went back to the bar and proceeded to freak out - internally. i had a beer and smoked cigarettes at a rapid pace. alex assured me that the train from downtown to here would take at least 40 minutes so i had plenty of time to compose myself. in this time i proceeded to feel very dumb for the outfit i was wearing. already i felt out of place because it was such a departure from how i view myself - even though i knew no one around me was thinking this, they have no idea how i regularly look and certainly most people do not consider jeans an awkward choice of leg coverings - and knowing that vaughnda was coming straight from work i figured that she would be much less dressed for the occasion than i was. alex comforted me by suggesting that the possibility of her bringing along a change of clothes existed.

i stood outside of the bar, smoking, watching the corner where people coming from the train would emerge. i caught her just as she rounded the corner and immediately appreciated her - if just from a distance. heart pounding i darted back into the bar pulled from my beer, chewed down a peppermint, and then tried to look casual. of course i was laughing at the ridiculousness of myself in this moment.

the thing of it was, i had never really asked anyone out on a proper date in my life. this was a first for me, so the middle school butterflies that i should have long since bested were flitted madly about my insides. i was nervous and giddy, excited and scared. and then the door opened. she was wearing a long orange parka, a colorful knitted hat with flaps that come over the ears, rectangle glasses and a wonderful smile. she sauntered to my position at the bar, i got out of my chair and i think we shook hands. i asked if she felt more comfortable sitting at the bar or in the back room on a couch. she chose the bar. and that was wonderful. frequently i find that women are more comfortable sitting away from the bar, but i like going to the bar to sit at the bar thats what it is about.

she took off her coat and i was happy to see that she was wearing what i would call a jumper dress that buttoned up the front. pleasant earth tone plaid with a small dark gray sweater, black tights and some black boots. she was very cute. and i was happy for this. happier still was when she sat down, ordered a point pale ale, and we had a laugh. her smile and laugh was very relaxing and we fell quickly into some random conversation. it was very easy and i appreciated this. at some point she noticed that it was well past our time to leave for the start of this dance and we quickly paid the tab and departed for evanston, il.

it took us about twenty minutes to get there and we kept up a healthy conversation, the fear of failing conversation is a heavy burden for a first date, but nothing seemed forced. when we got to the space we were about twenty minutes late for the pre-dance training session. vaughnda had never been to a square dance before, so there was a little bit of concern from missing the training but it wasnt overbearing. i was expecting to walk into this hall and see a number of octogenarians and a crowd that was mostly 50+, at the very least i expected to be some of the youngest people there. this was not the case.

the training was still happening when we walked in the door, no one was taking money at the door so we just came in and jumped into the training. i was happy for this, because i am not a big fan of paying for things, but i was prepared to. we met some people quickly that seemed to be younger than us and finished the few minutes of training that was planned. there was a short intermission between the end of the training and the beginning of the proper dance. and any fear that i had of the square dance being too complex or this not being an awesome evening vanished.

the dance was very similar to the ones in which i participated in portland. the caller walked through the entire dance before the fiddlers came in and the actual dance was called. there were many moves that i had no recollection of, so the walk through was very helpful. the dance itself started at 8 and went to 11. we danced there for the entire three hours, sitting out just one dance i think. and, i dont think there exists a better or more complete way to experience a first date than to go to a barn dance. you have a primary partner and throughout each dance switch partners frequently. there is plenty of touching and you get to sweat a little bit. there were no moments i liked more than when we got to swing together and we pulled our bodies close together and danced around in a circle two or three times. our faces close together, both smiling, nothing better.

well, i guess there was one move that i liked better. i dont recall the name for it but i will walk through it now. there are two couples that form a square. the gents are facing each other, as are the ladies. the gents come to the middle, grasp hands and lift them in the air. then the ladies come inside the gents, clasp hands and similarly lift them in the air. then the arms - hands still tightly clasped - come down around everyone so we are tightly locked together. everyone puts their right foot into the middle toes touching each other. this foot stays on the ground and with the left foot we run around each other to create the effect of, well, the carnival ride "tilt-a-whirl." after going around two or five times very fast you unclasp hands, draw your partner close to you and swing.

there is nothing better than this move because a person cannot help but have an amazingly large smile on their face after this tilt-a-whirl move and then when you draw close together there is just a wonderful connection there. like we both just had an amazing experience that will shortly be recreated. i love square dancing.

each dance we were encouraged to find a new partner. i didnt want to do this - i liked my partner very much - but i acquiesced for two dances. these were just as fun, but i found myself looking around the room to find vaughnda and when the dances brought us together again, things were good. at a few points in the evening there were breaks in the large square dances for couples dancing and we did this each time it was offered as well. i was happy - ecstatic more so - to have such a willing partner. we had no real idea how to do couples dancing but we continued to bump our way straight through the dance floor, laughing all the way.

but the dance had to come to an end. i had mixed emotions regarding this. square dancing is labor intensive, i was dripping sweat and my back was drenched by the end of the dance and i would have wished not have a sweaty back on our first date. luckily out of the two of us i wasnt the only one with a sweaty back. so i was happy to get outside and cool off, but when the dance was set to end i knew our evening was drawing ever closer to its end and this was not something i was happy with. i was in such a state of joy i dont think i have yet learned the words to describe it.

but we had to leave. and so we were outside and soon back in the car. having to decide our future. i equated my situation as a cinderella story. at 1:am my pumpkin, my dress, and all my little animal friends that had helped make this evening a success would have to return to normal. so we went to a bar, her local bar the whirlaway. we sat there drinking two beers continuing talking and at this point i was a little bit sad. i wanted so much to be swinging my partner with our bodies drawn close to one another instead of sitting at the bar watching one another intently and sometimes having our legs touch. it was at this moment that she admitted to her like of me. and that was nice.

so, in my typical saying wierd things at inopportune moments i posed our situation to her. i let her know that this night was our entire relationship; the beginning, the good times, the bad times, the end of it all. and all crammed into seven hours. i dont remember precisely what she said, but i admitted to my liking of her around this moment and that i was sad that we couldnt spend more time together. maria, the bartender and proprietor of the bar, offered us a shot as we were leaving the bar. our wonderful romantic evening drawing to a close. neither of us accepted the shot, i had to drive.

by this time, regardless of how well everything was going, my intense attraction to this wonderful person next to me, i had made my mind up not to kiss her. it felt rational in my mind, i knew that i wouldnt be around and sealing the evening with physical romance would only lead to longing. and, especially for me, questions. however, when we got outside she turned to me and said very abruptly that she was going to make out with me now and there was no way i was going to say no. for 10 or 15 minutes we stood outside the bar in the freezing temperature making out with one another. and it was divine. i was very torn and wanted nothing more than to come home with her and continue with this night.

but i was poorly dressed for being out in the cold so long, shivering through the delight and knowing that my 1:am call time was drawing ever nearer and perhaps had even passed already. i wasnt going to leave that spot, i wouldve stood there in the freezing cold as long as she was on my side of the road. like leonardo dicaprio in titanic. as soon as her boots fell on the opposite sidewalk my heart was deflated and i was very confused and sad. i sat in the car/truck thing and debated with my inner self. i was also texting alex. after a few minutes he said that i could stay out until 2 and he would just sit and drink at the bar, but i had already watched vaughnda turn the corner.

i debated the merits of running after her and wrapping her in my arms while we continue to kiss one another, but then i thought about how unfair that was. to everyone involved. and i was upset about the path of life i am on where i am developing relationships with wonderful people throughout this country and after hours or days or weeks of being around some awesome people i am ripping myself away from places where i could easily be happy for a much longer period of time, and all for what? i am unhappy with my unreliability to the people that flit throughout my life. and my inability to just give myself more time.

i came back to the bar, and i was beaming. absolutely. although i had some fleeting sadness about the state of my life i pushed that aside for another time and reviewed the magic of this evening just bursting to tell someone about how wonderful it was. alex was outside smoking when i rolled up and i proceeded to unload my tale upon him. i came out as a jumbled mix, not very coordinated at all. we sat at the bar for about a half hour and then we came back to indiana. alex had been drinking so i had to drive again. and that was okay. it gave me more time to rerun the evening and gush as something new was remembered.

we made it back very safe and sound, and had some text messages from vaughnda on my phone. alex proceeded to confuse me, but detailing all of the merits of moving back to chicago - using this evening as a general pretense - and also playing on my confusion over life and especially my confusion over what awaits me back in portland. sigh.