begging when the sun begins to blaze

things are wonderful here, just thought i would let you know. a couple of days ago it became apparent that the money that i had would not be enough to make it back to portland, it wouldve barely made me back to los angeles...and i did not want to be stuck in los angeles.

the reason for this drastic and rapid lack of funds, clearly, was my dumb truck being shitty and breaking down. and so i had to do something that is not very easy for me - i had to ask for help.

help has been offered to me a couple of times. before i left on this trip both emily and steve implored me to call on them should i require aid. i quickly wrote off emily as a viable option, since she barely has enough money for herself. my dad has suggested that i borrow money from him a couple of times, but i parlayed. just the other night my mom even offered to send me money, but i called her on her bluff. i knew that she didnt have any money either.

the reason why i have been offputting is becuase this trip that i am on is a choice

steve and i have been friends a long time. this, however, is the only time we have kissed.

that i made. true, the idea of it wasnt my own, but it was my choice to embark and continue with it. and, overall, it has been a great choice. some things in my life have been broken and will never be repaired again, but there are more things that i started building on this trip to make up for the broken things.

and so, the other day i sucked up my pride and asked steve to loan me some money. throughout my life i have been pretty self-sufficient. in my adult life i have never asked for money from my parents, and really i have never asked them for much assistance. their unconditional love is worth too much to me to even consider giving money the chance to muddy the waters. however, i have had to borrow money a couple of times in my life.

when i moved to olympia on a whim and with no prospects my money ran out before my job was able to fill the gap. i borrowed a couple hundred dollars from steve. and, again, later that year i borrowed money from steve to buy a plane ticket back to new york to go to my friends art opening. i am pretty sure that i paid him back both times, if not he hasnt been overbearing to get his money back.

and so, i asked to borrow 1000 american dollars from him and today he agreed to my request. the terms are still being worked out, and i want to make them very clear. this is a whole lot of money - more than i will need - and i dont want our relationship to suffer at all because of money. that was actually the hardest tangible to account for while i was writing him to ask for cash.

but that is mostly over with. now i just need to make the most of it. in celebration for not having to micromanage every penny spent i ate lunch today. dont worry, i wont get in the habit of it.

and so, anyway, now i am here in amarillo texas. i am in the panhandle, i think, for the first time ever. it is very warm here. i spent this day walking all around

ahhh! i am on the ground! in amarillo!

the city, maybe three or four miles and i was sweating. it was almost 70° and i still have two jackets, pants, and long socks on. i am an idiot - you heard it here first!

i walked from the historic route 66 area (where i am "staying") down to the amarillo museum of art, it is a free museum and seemed close enough in the only slightly warm morning. that was a pretty boring art museum. then i walked back up into downtown and then across town to my truck, i was thirsty. along the way a man on a bike asked me for spare change, and i told him that i didnt have any to spare.

so, and this has never happened before, he pulled out a pocket of change and asked if i wanted some. i told him no, he should keep it, but then he just threw it on the ground in my general direction and rode away. i walked a little bit away and then turned back and picked up all the change. i am not above that. then, however, the guy found me walking again and rode by semi-fast and said something unintelligible to me. these amarillians are strange indeed.

and now, now i am just waiting. i am here for a reason and i need that reason to happen. tomorrow - albuquerque.