the years, the fears, the sleep

after being in palm desert for a couple of days i realized that i had been there a couple of days too long. the place is an upper elite cess pool, a place in which i do not fit in and generally do not feel comfortable. the last night i was there, there was an invitation only event in which a whole block on "el paseo" was shut down for pedestrian traffic. i tried to get into this event, but my ugly shorts and vest didnt quite measure up to the evening gowns and tuxedos.

instead, i jut walked all around the place and eventually i took a phone call from emily. we talked for over an hour and that was okay. the conversation didnt clear up much about my return to the homeland, but it is always nice to talk. in the morning i talked to steve for more than an hour. those two calls equal or outdo my phone time for the entire previous 30 days of january. lets call it an anomaly.

after steve and i talked i finished up on the computer and hit the highway. my destination was los angeles, a mere 120 miles away. onto the expressway i jumped and set off to this place. the circumstances were less than ideal, both of the people that i had been set to see were going to be out of town upon my arrival. tiffany, my longtime friend from new york, was in san francisco until monday night. i stayed with tiffany last time i was here and planned to stay with her this time, but since she wasnt here i called on my friend friedel.

friedel is another one of those people i met in miami. really, i met a whole bunch of people in miami and have attempted to reconnect with a number of them on this trip. free, as we called her, was a very good person. after miami i saw her again

friedel in 2004

in boston and then new york where we were participating in actions related to the dnc and rnc respectively. it was in new york - in 2004 - that i last talked to friedel, we had become pretty good friends, as much as people could when they were trying to bring down the system. we were sitting in a park maybe throwing a frisbee, and she asked me what my real name was. see, from 2003 until at least 2006 i never shared my real name with anyone, i was simply "bht."

and since we were getting on so well she wanted to know more about me, like where i came from, what kind of person i really was (because no one could be as awesome as i was in real life), what my real name was, etc. specifically she said that she would tell me her real name if i told her mine. security culture got the best of me and like i was reading off a prepared statement i informed her that i couldnt disclose that information while we were in the middle of "an action." or a series of actions as the rnc was. after that the mood soured a bit and we went our separate ways, i realized pretty quickly that i had made a mistake. as the world turns at least one of the people that i was running around with at the time ended up actually being an fbi informant, it wasnt friedel.

we havent actually exchanged words with one another since that moment, as far as i can remember (which, you must know, my memory if more for dramatic effect than an actual account of things). then a series of events transpires while i am in denver visiting my friend adam, another person i had met in miami. we were at a bookstore and he showed me a new york times bestseller that had been written by a friend of ours, you guessed it, from miami. adam reminded me that this person had been dating free and he filled me in with whatever he knew.

with the information adam gave me i was able to find free on facebook and attempt to see her again at various points on this trip. it never worked out, but since she lives in la and i was driving into the heart of it i got back in touch with her so we could meet each other while i was in town. well, bad timing and me strike again, she is out of town until wednesday. however, she invites me to go to her house, and sleep in her bed with her dog until she returns.

i dont know if i have enough words to describe how strange of a thing this is for me, but i said yes to this offer. at the time, it made sense. so i drive highway 10 west until i get to la and navigate to her house, and all of a sudden i am struck with the absurdity of this prospect. after not seeing her for 5 years, i am to go to her house and stay with her housemates for up to three days! i parked in front of the house and began psyching myself up for this encounter. i phoned a friend that would give me some words of advice, but this friend didnt answer the phone. after sitting and watching the house (you know, for movement and to see what other kind of people were in there) i decided that i wasnt going to knock on the door.

so i drove away and was cursing/laughing at myself. what happened? i never used to be this scared of people. actually this used to be the kind of thing that i lived for. but, the factors that entered my mind while i was deciding whether or not i would actually knock on the door were as follows: i did not know how many people were in there, i did not know anything about the make up of the people behind that door, once i was inside it would be awkward for me to leave, since i barely know friedel and i do not know these people at all how would i answer questions about my life or my relationship with her, i dont really like dogs, since i was staying in her room would her dog become my responsibility, (i was tired at the time) would i need to stay up and hang out with these people for a long time, etc etc etc.

and as i drove away and parked only blocks away from her house i started thinking of a different me, a me of the past, me circa 2002. and my intention was to write about the last time i was told to just knock on a door and sleep in someone elses bed until they arrive. that was in september 2002, when i moved to portland. i did actually write out that story, but it became way too long and i decided to save it for later.

so, anyway, i just went and slept in my truck a couple blocks away from her house fully realizing the ridiculousness of this, this..whatever it is that i feel. fear, i guess. i went to bed very early - i said i was tired - and ended up waking up at 7:am. shitty! with no people that i know here and nothing lined up to do, i had the second largest city in the united states at my fingertips, this is not something that i find ideal. i much prefer smaller places. but i went out for breakfast and then to the exposition park to explore some of the museums and read my book. basically i just walked around as the day unfolded in front of me.

it was hot out again. then i decided to go downtown. i dont know why i came to this decision, generally the bigger the city the less outstanding the downtown area is. it becomes just big buildings and bento places for people on the go. the neighborhoods are more where it is at and in a place like la, a place that is already very spread out, downtown would certainly hold nothing for me. i knew all of this, but in the direction of the big buildings i drove anyway. knowledge be damned!

but, i didnt make it there. eventually i stopped when i saw a place that i knew to have free wifi. i wanted to write some of the day away, and i have accomplished that. however, the wifi is broken and i am not able to post it. boring. now, i guess i will continue towards the big buildings. ugh, blah. i am back to my sleeping spot now.