a life of learning and independence

well, now it is all happening. on wednesday i took my truck into my sisters work to have it looked at. i was set to be there at 9:am, which is currently early for me, and i almost made it on time. it was the first time in a while that i had somewhere to be and a specific time to be there. one of the things that i want to work on is not being a slave to time and schedules. so, i was late and i didnt fret too much about it.

i dropped my truck off to them and told them the various problems, which included: interior dash lights not working, my left turn signal not working, my power steering fluid leaking, i asked them to look at my driveshaft and assess the job the hillbilly did on it, and my engine was loud, i wanted them to tell me why.

i took my sisters car and just planned to drive around and see things, like i wanted to do on the first day when my truck failed to work on me. i was in cedar lake indiana, which was where i spend my childhood. so, i started seeing some sights and for soem reason it revolved around the various schools that i attended. this was probably because right across the street from where my sister works is the first school that i attended. holy name catholic school.

catholic school, really?

i have never been religious and i have no memories of my family being religious, any of them for any reasons. sure, as a youngster i went to church for easter a couple times, but i never got to eat any wafers or drink any wine. i only went to this catholic school for first and second grade, i think. there is a solid memory from it though, and that is because of the innovation of portable video cameras. in the second grade i was in a chirstmas show at the school and my mom still has the video of it. i sang "over the hills and through the woods" with an unknown little girl that also went to that school. i would like nothing more than to find out who she was and where she is now. the only reason why i stopped going there was because the school ran out of money and had to go out of business, so all of its students went to a local public school.

for me, i went next to douglas macarthur elementary school. i took a ride over by that, there are some memories there. like, in the playground around my 10th birthday i was playing firewroks with some friends and one of the fireworks jumped into my shoe and burnt a hole through my foot all the way to my bone. or, just around the corner was the house where i first remember smoking pot. then some things started flooding back into me, like where the homes of people that i remember from my school days were.

i drove by the homes of bob and steve jefferson, kori stark, jeremy jackson, hannah carnell, chris chandler, tim tucker, brei larson, nicole wernes, and a number of other homes whose people i dont remember their full names. and the thing that struck me the most was change. alot of the houses had changed so much that it was hard to know if what i remembered was actually right. some places hadnt changed at all.

i went by the house that i spent my childhood in and it had been changed so much that it wasnt even worth taking a picture or looking twice to keep it as a memory. my sister lives just across the street from that house so i stopped in there and hung out with her boyfriend justin for awhile, then i kept on.

continuing with my school memories, i went up to crown point to try to find the middle school that i attended, called taft. i couldnt find it. and the crown point high school i had went too has since been torn down. i went by it anyway and they had built a new school where the old one was. it looked similar but it wasnt the same. i walked around the downtown crown point square, and photographed the lunch spot that my friend frances and i used to hang out at, chicagos.

i still had plenty of time before i had to get back to my sisters work, so i followed the old school route and went on the griffith high school, where i spent most of my high school years and made some friends that will always be with me. i also drove around by the various homes of the people i knew here. since it is fresher than my elementary school folks i knew where more houses were and i am not going to list all of the places i went. but i went by all of the house of the friends that were closest to me there.

and i was just overcome with how much things change. not just places, but people. relationships with people, how the grow and die or creak with age. i want to reconnect with as many people as possible, it is hard sometimes, becasue the changes can just be too great to sustain anything current. oh well, i have never been the greatest person anyway.

eventually my sister called me back. yay! i went over to her workplace and talked with the folks working on my truck about what is going on. they had fixed my electrical issues and told me that the leaks werent very bad, but fixing them would be cost prohibitive. the driveshaft looked fine to them and the loud engine noise was from my muffler, which had a very large hole in it. he told me that it would be cheaper and quicker to take my truck to a muffler place to be fixed. they were just finishing up my electrical stuff and i owed them $55.

i was okay with that. my sister encouraged me to call my dad and have him pay for it, but i had returned the gifts my family got me for my birthday and now had about $250 to spend on my truck. so it was kind of like he was paying for it anyway. becky went home and sat there reading my book until they had finsihed their work. then i drove back to my dads house, there is a muffler place by him and i stopped there on the way home, it was too late tonight, but i planned to go there first thing the next morning.

i went back to the house and my dad and bobbie and i chatted about my brother for awhile, he has gone awol again and that sucks. then we sat down and watched a movie, but were interrupted by the washing machine overflowing. after we cleaned that up we finished watching kill bill 2 and i went to bed.

as promised, i got up early again this morning and went to the muffler shop. i dropped my truck off there and went to read my book. when they got a look at my truck, they put on a new muffler and exhaust. it was much cheaper than i thought it would be, $100. yes! i was very happy to hear that and paid them with a smile on my face, today was a shaping up to be good.

with my muffler fixed, it was time to go get my emissions tested. i drove out to markham illinois, the closest testing station (about an hour away), and got in line. when my turn came i pulled up and the guy told me that my truck didnt need to be tested, i explained that i needed it tested to mail it out of state, he couldnt deal with me and sent me into the office. i talked to the ladies in there and they got me rolling. i had to pay $20 for the test and got back in line.

i was nervous. my truck is from 1987 and i had no idea if it would pass or not. i figured it would because it is a good little truck, but with newer emissions rules it was up in the air. most of the cars in there were in and out in a minute or so. the guy was checking mine for about five minutes and i was sweating, what if it didnt pass? what the hell would i do then? when the test finished and he said i could get back in i asked him if i passed and he said he didnt know! that didnt help, i felt for sure it was a no.

but then the paper printed out and it was a pass! i was so totally releived, everything was going my way. the things that i had built up in my mind as hard were getting easier and easier, now it was just a matter of time. i need to get my registration papers in the mail and then fill them out and send them back to oregon and wait for my stickers to get back to me. it may keep me here for a little while longer, but that wont be so bad.

being here, it kind of feels like i am not even on my journey any longer, like i am in some vortex that strips me of all knowledge of being in constant movement. maybe it is just because i have been pretty static for the last month or more. i dont, certainly the days arent as interesting and instead of exploring i am content with relaxing...eerily like it was before i left portland.

the house i lived in during my relapse

last night my dad and i talked, mostly about the rest of the family. i moved away and became my own person on august 17, 1999. in the spring of 2001 i relapsed until the fall of 2002. i worked for my dad and lived in a small house on the outskirts of gary. when i left then i moved to portland and my entire life changed. my ideas and the things i beleived started morphing into an active reality and i really was independent. i have never asked my family for any money or other support through my years, my dad used to send me large sums of money on my birthday but i even turned those away.

last night he told me about the state of dependency the rest of my siblings experience as reality. all three of them have their housing subsidized by my dad, my sisters also have college and their vehicles paid for, and at least one of them receives an allowance. i was shocked to hear this stuff, i didnt need to hear it, but i asked if he could send them all to a school to learn how to grow up and be independent. i couldnt help feeling a little bit jealous because when i dont have something i just do without and struggle, they just ask my dad.

and listening to him talk about it, the jealousy quickly passed and then i just felt sad for my dad. he will probably work until he dies and his kids will continue to vampire away as much as they can because they feel entitled to it. and he is too much of a pushover to say no. sad sad sad. i was kind of hoping that he would offer me some money before i left or give me some for my birthday (because right now i could use a boost, that is part of the reason i am wintering here so long) but after last night i have to refuse any money he offers me. that sucks.

anyway, today i get to go see the family i dont remember at all. my moms. yay.

everything til now

tuesday, aug 11: okay. so i made it to valparaiso. it took longer than i had wanted to, but i made it. we had a quiet night hanging out and talking then slept. for whatever reason, i woke up very early. like 8:am or so. i came downstairs and sat around on my computer not really having anything to do. my dad and brother had left for work and bobbie was still asleep. so i just putzed around.

lots of folks ask me what my plan is or what am i planning to do and i never have a good answer. and i havent really created a plan for what happens while i am here. and i will be here for awhile, until the end of august. part of that has to do with logistics. i need to do alot of work on my truck, and specifically i need to update my registration. that involves driving to illinois, getting an emissions test then mailing that to oregon and having them mail me back tags. that should take awhile. hopefully i will work a little bit while i am here also to build up my bank account. we'll see.

so, when bobbie got up she asked me what i had planned. still nothing. i decided that i would take a drive around the old neighborhoods that i have lived in and take some pictures of the places i used to be. it wasnt a very good plan but it got me out of the house and doing something. it was also a chance to remember the roads that i will need to drive without having anywhere to be and no time to be there...kind of like my life.

this is the house i grew up in

so i made my way to the home that i grew up in, in griffith indiana. i took some short cuts that i recalled and drove slow, taking in as much as i could. my parents moved away from this house and town while i lived in portland, and they moved a fair ways away from it so every time i visited prior to this i wasnt readily able to get back to my old places. mostly because i lacked transportation, sometimes because i didnt have the time and at least once becasue i didnt have the desire.

i got to the old house and took a quick picture. the old neighbor, whom i remembered as a talker, was outside and i didnt want her to recognize me and start asking questions. then i started driving around more and saw some of my friends old houses, and other such things. i got a phone call and wanted to talk for a minute so i drove around until i found a decent place to park, right next to the high school that i spent the majority of my high school years at...griffith high school. i talked for about twenty minutes then fired my truck back up.

except there was no fire. the truck turned over but it would take any gas and after a couple seconds of idling it would die. shit! here i am, my truck doesnt work all of a sudden and i am in a place that i hadnt been for a number of years. what the hell was i supposed to do? i phoned a friend. alex. the only person that i still knew and talked to that lived close to where i was and i felt would be willing to help me. alex offered to come get me, but i still needed to do something with my truck.

then i called my dad and he told me to walk to the auto repair place that was near our old house. he said they would tow my truck and fix it and it would be on his tab. that was nice. so i walked the six blocks or so to that place and talked to the lady there. she arranged to have my truck towed to them and would call me when they diagnosed it. i decided to walk back to my truck and give it one more shot for it to work.

the six blocks went easy, i called alex on the way and asked him to come get me. the tow truck guy hadnt gotten there yet, which was lucky because i wanted to grab some things anyway. i got in and tried to fire up the truck, but it was the same as before. so i shrugged my shoulders, kicked the side, and gathered the things i needed. that took a couple of minutes and then the tow truck driver was pulling up. he came up and asked what the issue was, i explained it to him and encouraged him to try to fire it up himself to see what it was doing, as he turned it over alex pulled up.

and the magic hand of the tow truck driver made my truck work. astonishingly it fired up like nothing was ever the matter. i looked dumb, i had a tow truck and a friend on the scene to watch me drive my truck away. i kicked the truck again and thanked the tow truck driver. alex encourages me to come with him anyway, to the home of my old friend beejay.

hello, awkward. he and i used to be very good friends, we worked together at the fast food restaurant at 16, lived together when i lived in indiana in 2001, etc. however, i havent spoken with beejay in at least four years, i tried messaging him online but he never returned my messages. while in chicago i learned that he had gotten my messages but was choosing not to respond to me because he didnt know if he wanted to. alex told me it was a big step for me to be able to come over to beejays house.

that made me not want to do it. scrap it and forget it. i had done it numerous other times and had no desire to force myself on him. but alex talked me into going over there, to the same apartment complex that he lived in when i moved away from here in 2002 (albeit a different apartment and with a new fiancee). i went in and ther was a moment of silence and he gave me his look, said hello and went back to playing halo on his x box. i sat there for about an hour watching him and alex shoot each other and talk on little headsets to people faraway that they were playing the game with.

it was a bit eerie and not something i was excited about. but, it was alos nice to be back around these people. alex and beejay very good old friends, maybe not the best current friends, but whatever. and, i guess that out here alex is my best friend, just like i was 16 again. ah, the days. i got up and gave my leave, and also gave beejay my phone number. i dont expect him to call, he wouldnt even send me an email. but i would go out with him and catch up at a bar or something, i think i am different and maybe he wants to know about it. maybe he's done with me and thats fine too.

after that i drove back to valpo to hang out with the fam. we ordered some pizza and sat in the garage talking and drinking and enjoying ourselves, it was a nice night and i appreciated being back here just to experience those moments. then sleep.

wednesday, aug 12: in my parents house i am in a dark room, upstairs, and in there i can sleep very late. i dont recall when i woke up this day, but i wrote in my notes that i woke up late. and i want you all to know that when i am not able to write everyday i do keep notes about the things that transpire becasue i will inevitably forget all about a thing the moment my head hits the pillow or i avert my eyes. thats just me, it sucks. i wish i had a better memory for things.

so, i got up late and didnt have anythign to do. i used the internet for awhile and when that was exhausted i groped around the things that i needed to accomplish. and i decided that i would clean out my truck and start the outfitting process for curtains...even though the trucks performance has been spotty. i pulled everything out of the back and gave it a through sweeping, then i laid some new cushioning down that alex had acquired for me and started to put things back it, except with more order. i hadnt done this for quite some time and the sleeping area was certainly happy for it.

bobbie came out and gave me a bunch of options for curtain rods that could be put up and all i would need from there would be curtains. after i chose the rods and started putting them up, she brought out material with which to make curtains out of. and this is one of the reasons i love my family. i am 29 years old and living in a pickup truck. i barely talk to them and see them less than once per year. yet here they are encouraging me in whatever i do, never even a mention of what i should be doing, just living is enough for them. that kind of love and support is awesome.

when i was finished with that stuff it was time to start getting ready for the evening. wednesday night is pepe's night. and my god, i wish that i knew what i was getting myself into sometimes. hearken back to sioux city, except with my family. crazy. my dad and brother came home from work and they showered and prepped for the evening. this was a regular outing where my dad and bobbie met up with some friends and my brother would sing karaoke and belliger himself at the bar.

we got there around 6:pm and started pushing tables together for our future friends and then we ordered food. the reason wednesday night is the night is because the special is $3 for a 32oz cup of beer. the death of me. slowly the other people starting coming in and filling in around us. strangely, it wasnt the sort of people that i imagined my folks hanging out with. they were country folks with land and horses and some of them were professionals. like doctors. it was a weird mix up of people, but we all made do.

also, joe's current lady friend came into the mix. her name is nina and she brought along some friends. joe wanted me to hit on her friend amber (which i did) but i was way more interested in the goth girl with tattoos that sat in the back on the other side of the bar...her name was ashes.

after three or four "beers" the kj opened his doors. there wasnt much action in there to begin with, joe signed up for some songs and then i signed bobbie up for a song and then myself and then my dad. i was officially drunk by now and was not using the best thought process. i sang my standby favorite, the remix to ignition by r. kelly. for whatever reason i signed bobbie up for a song called wang chung, and my dad for the song a boy named sue (in the style of johnny cash.) mine came up first and i did a poor job of a song that i know by heart, but whatever. then a few other people and then bobbies song came up.

but, she wouldnt sing it. she insisted on singing backup and i would have to sing the lead. whatever. i had heard the soong before, sure but i didnt know it. but i got up there and did it anyhow. more people had filled out the bar by now, it was getting later. i started a game of beer pong and my dad and bobbie left. my brother had a tab and i continued to buy drinks for me and for some other people around me.

in the middle of my beer pong game my dad's song came up and i rushed up there to sing it. my brother had the same idea, so instead of my dad singing a boy named sue, my brother and i sang it together. after that i went back to pong or some other drunken thing. i tried talking to ashes, becasue she does tattoos and i would get another one for free. but she wasnt having my drunken talking to her so i went back to whatever else was going on. i was talking with amber more, etc.

then another song that i had put in came up. it was by a popular band called tlc, the song is called waterfalls. i sang that song and loved it. it is a great song and i enjoy singing songs that guys or me arent generally supposed to. like r. kelly in a country bar or a guy doing the song waterfalls, etc. when i finsihed that song i went back to talk to amber but she only said how much she hated that song. i was like whatever.

she was an uppity person and not someone that i ever envisoined even talking to outside of this bar at this very time, so i didnt care what she thought (nor do i generally care what folks think of me) nor was i trying to impress her. we ended up closing down the bar and amber took the time to tell me at some point that she thought i was a bad person and i took the time to laugh in her face. i dont think that we are going to work out. nina was giving joe and i a ride home, but first we had to stop at the cigarette store for them. i was drunk and ready to get in bed! but my brother was taking forever in the shop.

when he finally came out he had a bag of sliders with him and told me that he saw ashes inside making out with another lady, so he didnt think i had much of a chance there. oh well, nina eventually got us home and i was happy to just get upstairs and sleep.

thursday, aug 13: clearly, i did not get up very early this day. i dont even think that i woke up before noon. not my general style, but i parties all night and my body has been exhausted from it and the room is comfortable cool and dark. today i had a plan, that included going to visit my mom and with her and my sister go to the lake county fair.

when i did get up and come down stairs, bobbie was talking to me and we chatted for a bit. then she asked if i could go do some shopping for her. of course i can. while i am here i am trying to do as much as possible because i dont think that they will ask that much of me. i was given a list of things to get and it was long, i was kind of excited to be able to go to the grocery store and look at more than just the cold prepared foods.

i went and bought everything, it took quite awhile. i used my computer for a minute and then started packing things up for an overnight trip to my moms house. i got some clothes, my computer, and a few other artifacts and then took off. she lives about 30 miles away from my dad's house and i was running a bit late.

when i got to my moms house and pulled into the driveway, my truck died again. i wasnt parked very well so i tried getting it going a few times and it fired up, i reparked. my mom gathered me up and soon we were off to find my sister becky and her son bryce and all travel to the fair together. we found her and dropped my moms car off at the shop, and all piled into her car.

becky and bryce at the fair

now, my sister becky. she is 23 years old, and has a 2 year old son, his name is bryce (he has the same initials as me). i have only seen him once before and have never really been close to my sister. she was always younger and kind of a closed door also, she moved in with my mom shortly after my dad remarried so i didnt see that much of her growing up. she is kind of the red-headed stepchild of the family. see, my whole family drinks...and she doesnt. but, she went away to college and a couple weeks later came back pregnant. no one else has done that either.

anyway, she had brought her boyfriend along as well. they have been dating since before bryce was born, and he is not the father. but bryce calls him dad and he seems like a nice guy, so thats enough for me. anyway, to the fair! the lake county fair, growing up, almost always landed on my birthday so it was a kind of birthday ritual that we would go there as a family. i havent been there for over 10 years, but not much had changed. we walked around for awhile, played every single mouse game there was (most of them twice) and stopped into a few of the buildings to see art and other things.

it was nice to just walk around and kind of be normal. towards the end of our time at the fair my sister and i decided to go on a ride. i do not recall the name of the ride, but it was scary. it had a bunch of arms with seats at the end and it would go up and spin, the seat would spin on their own as well, and somehow we would go upside down. it was a short ride, but i was for sure that when i was going upside down the harness was going to pop and i would fall straight down and die. strangely, my sister didnt feel that way.

we were done after that, so we wrapped up and walked back to the car. becky dropped my mom and i back off at her house, and the two of us went inside and chatted for a bit with her husband gordon. i saw my grandpa, who is showing signs of alzheimers, and then my mom and i watched the end of a movie and she went to bed. i sat up for awhile, in the strange place that i was, and then slept on her couch.

friday, aug 14: i awoke in the strange place and everyone was gone. i didnt expect my mom or gordon to be there, but i was just in their house and had nothing to do. i had to be back in valpo before 1:pm to start our weekend trip, so i just lazed about their house for awhile until my brother called me and said that i should get back there by 11:am instead of 1. so i took a shower and that wrapped all my stuff back up and jumped in my truck...

what the hell. my truck wont start again. i had kind of forgotten that it was giving me problems, but this was bullshit. i had to get back to valpo and i was stuck 30 miles away with a dead truck. i just waited a few minutes and tried it again, and it lit right up. i was happy for that and drove straight on trying never to idle or allow myself to stop giving the truck gas. i dont know what is wrong, but it needs to be fixed soon.

the drive was uneventful, so i will to take the time right now to talk about something that didnt cross my mind until days later. today is my 3 month anniversary for being on this trip. the "official" halfway point. and my plans are going pretty steady. i had hoped to be in indiana for this and calm down take stock of my truck and the life that i had been living and make some sort of plan forward. that wasnt all supposed to happen on this day (thankfully) but before i leave here. and some of it will hinge on what happens with fixing my truck.

i got to valpo and joe wasnt ready yet, so we sat around there for an hour or more and then drove to the marina where my dad and bobbie had been since the previous night, preparing the boat. from this point on i pretty much lived in a drunken haze, or at least spent most of the waking hours with some sort of alcoholic beverage in hand. and, lived life sort of like in this video.

once the boat is ready and we are all packed up on it, we push off into the waters of lake michigan and set a course for michigan city, indiana. the destination is not very far, but things are slower on a boat, you have to acclimate yourself to being on the water, in a smaller space and no real refuge. we stopped somewhere along the way and drifted for awhile as we lunched on cold sandwiches and other things that bobbie had prepared for us, then we made the final push into michigan city.

boating

we rented a slip, tied up and continued drinking. first thing we did was start looking at other boats, because every boat is for sale and my folks are in the market to get a bigger boat. the one they have now is a 26' bayliner that almost sleeps four. they want something that is more like a house boat, and they walked around looking at them. eventually a boat realtor met them up and the tree of them went to another harbor to look at other boats. joe and i hung out at the boat for awhile and that gathered up the frisbee to walk around and throw it a bit.

we found a park and threw the frisbee for awhile and then started walking back toawrd the marina. halfway there we found a little grounds map that showed some of the things that were around us. we spotted some things we could go explore but then heard a band playing down by the beach. so we went down there instead. the band was called "the michigan city vandals" and they were playing a live set for a radio station called vocalo. there was a little dj booth and a number of folks handing out free things related to the station - pins, water guns, t-shirts. we got all of the things offered.

bobbie and albert came back and met us up there. we all sat and watched the band until they closed up, joe bought a cd, then we meandered back toward to boat...our satellite cooler was empty. we sat there for awhile, ate dinner and continued to drink, then we all started walking along the piers to visit other boaters.

marinas, are kind of like a big party and each finger pier is a satellite party. so you can just walk down the piers and stop and mingle with the small groups of people that are sitting and drinking / partying by their boat, or you can sit at your boat and party while other people mingle you. we walked. we came along a pier with some charter boats that were in the style that my dad and bobbie were looking to purchase. quake was the name of the charter boat captain that invited us aboard his boat and gave us a bottle pf peach schnapps to drink from. we all did.

then we mingled with the party here for awhile before joe and i got a bit tired of it and decided to walk our evening somewhere else. we went into town to a bar called matey's. we sat and drank there for awhile and by 9:30pm i was ready to get the hell out of there. my brother had a different plan. he blew all of his money about 10 minutes into the bar on pull-tabs (a form of gambling) and wanted me to spot him some money. i would have no part in it and was leaving after i finished my drink. he wanted to stay, and i had they only key.

we got into a little fight about who gets to have the key, and since i already had it i was not going to relinquish it to him. he is a wanderer and not someone that you should trust when he is drunk, he isnt rational and just follows the funnest thing until the end. so he just took off on me, i dont know where he went. after i finished my beer i stumbled back to the boat at the late late hour of 10:pm.

now, i am 29 years old, my dad is just over 50, bobbie is 46 or so, my brother is 31. i am the youngest of the group and i was dismayed to find that i was the first one back to the boat. the first one to call it a night. i was drunk and didnt want to drink any longer, the four of us had burned through 60 beers in that day alone (all of the beer we brought with us) and here i was. i debated for a moment to go back out into the night and continue on, it is the freakin weekend and how sad is it to be the youngest and first one back!

but i got the better of my pride and took off my flippy-floppies, came aboard and went to sleep. my folks came in about a half hour later, i told them that joe was out to who knows where and i felt bad for being the first one in. they were drunk as well and i dont remember any more of the conversation.

saturday, aug 15: jesus christ! is it really only saturday? i didnt sleep very well on the boat, and i woke up early in a desperate search for water. i couldnt find any so i opened my reserve water and just laid there for awhile. my brother was sleeping next to me and kept fondling my ankle. i kicked his hand off and then he started mumbling about various types of fast food that he would like someone to acquire for him this moment. he wasnt conscious.

i got out of bed and walked to the end of the pier, where my dad was reading the paper. he told me where the water was for future reference and we walked on down to the lakeside cafe for a breakfast bagel...the only breakfast item that they offer. the two of us sat there reading for awhile, waiting for joe and bobbie to wake up. eventually they both did. we all sat there for a moment and then decided that we would be having some breakfast bloody mary's.

bobbie and i walked back to the boat to make some drinks. really i was just there to help carry them back, she made the drinks. a shot of vodka, a pepperoni stick, a cheese stick, a celery stalk, two olives and two pearl onions, a cherry and some bloody mary mix. when she was opening the mix, she shook it while the lid was off and shot it all across the interior of the boat. we cleaned up the mess and walked the drinks back to the end of the pier.

we all sat and drank our drink, bobbie and my dad made plans to go visit the art show and meet up some of their friends there. joe and i made plans to go throw the frisbee and football at the beach. i wasnt really excited about going swimming, but it turned out to be awesome. we plunged into the water and swam around for a bit, then threw our toys around for awhile. we swam out to a sand bar and it was just a nice time. we were there for awhile.

then we went on back to the boat to start the days drinking. we were low on beer, i packed the satellite cooler with the last six beers and walked over to the art show to meet up my dad. he and bobbie had met up their friends tammy and ray and they were all just about done in the art show, so we conferenced. i explained the beer situation, and the four of them drove to the beer store for provisions, and i walked back to the boat to wait. luckily, they got back with beer (4 30 pack cases and some corona) just as we were running out.

we got the beer on ice and started relaxing. joes lady friend nina came up to visit and brought a case of beer herself. we were all sitting around on the pier drinking, making a day of it. and then we decided to head back on over to the beach. we filled a cooler, grabbed the frisbee and the kites. we swam some more and threw the frisbee, then i busted out my kite. this was the first time that i had my kite out on this trip and it was pretty fun to fly it, there was a nice breeze on the beach and i got it up there flying good pretty quickly.

the downside of all this fun is that my skin burns in the sun after minutes of exposure. so, by the time we decided to call it a day at the beach i was sunburnt. we all went back to the boat to hang out and drink more before we went to the bar to drink some more and have dinner. also, everyone wanted to change. after a couple beers we set off on foot to matey's.

matey's is three levels of bars and food and a popular night spot for the marina area. we first went to the second level, open air, but they didnt have the best menu. so after a drink up there we moved to the first level dining area for the full menu. we were a party of seven and shortly after we sat the restaurant filled up. one shrimp po boy, three specials and three lobster blt's were ordered and we sat awaiting our food.

the specials and po boy came out first. after seven minutes or so, the rest of the meals hadnt arrived and we were waiting to eat for everyone to get their food. so we started to complain about the service. then some of the specials werent warmed properly and some of the meat cuts werent cooked to order, so a number of things were sent back and our table became quite a debacle. i didnt send anything back, but almost everyone else had some complaint about their meal. it was uncomfortable, but when you are paying for service, some people expect good service.

the bar comped us some drinks and after dinner tammy and ray went home, joe and nina went to the beach, and my dad, bobbie and i left to go back to the boat. but, halfway there, we heard some music coming from the other direction so we went over there. it was another restaurant that had a guy on the deck playing cover songs on acoustic guitar. we sat and ordered some beers. i actually ordered water, because i was already drunk and i recalled how parched i had been in the morning. i had no reason to drink more so i decided to take care of my body for a minute.

we sat and watched the guy for awhile, bobbie and my dad danced, and i called it a night. i left them at the bar and walked back to the boat. again, i was the first person back to the boat but i had no qualms about it this time. i fell asleep rather quickly and didnt even hear anyone else come in that night.

sunday, aug 16: this is my 29th birthday. i have never been much of a celebrater of my birthday, when i was a kid my mom invited people that werent really friends of mine to celebrate with me and i think that memory kind of turns me away from the idea of celebrating. i mean, is it really special if a bunch of strangers are cheering you on? so, in the morning i awoke and went down to the bathroom, again my dad was reading the paper at the end of the pier.

i went into the bathroom and got my first taste of sea sickness. i assumed that sea sickness happened while you were out at sea, but no so much the case. while on land, starting this morning, whenever i stand still for more than a few moments the entire world starts swaying as if i were actually on the boat. but, really, it isnt the world that is swaying. it is my body, trying to compensate for the familiar sway of being on the boat. (i am writing this on tuesday morning and i am still experiencing the effects a bit.)

i sat at the table with my dad again, reading, and eating breakfast. eventually everyone else came up. joe and nina slept on the beach and bobbie woke up and we all sat at the table. there, they sang happy birthday and presented me with some gifts. my brother got me a card and an ipod shuffle, my dad and bobbie got a card and a gps thing for my truck. i dont ever ask for anything, and succeeded a number of years ago in convincing my family that they do not have to get me anything. but when i am around for my birthday, i understand that it is hard not to get something for a family members birthday.

unfortunately, i tell the truth too much in front of people, this is considered a flaw by my brother. but i told them that i already had an ipod shuffle and that i wouldnt use the gps thing. something that i wasnt able to come up with words for at the time or anytime before it was that my trip is not at all about getting to specific places. it is about finding the things i dont know about and a gps thing wont really help me in that discovery, that technology steals discovery in exchange for safety. that isnt my game. hopefully i can return both of those things.

then joe and nina went to sleep on the boat. albert and bobbie and i went to walk around the art show. the sun was oppressive and i was mostly just jumping into the tents for the shade. we walked around there for an hour or so and bobbie bought a welded spider thing. then we went out to lunch at some of the carts that were around, and that was about it. we went back to the boat and started thinking about leaving. joe was gone, so we waited for him and drank some beers.

the problem with just leaving was that there was a storm that was coming in and we didnt have any radar or radio. so we made some calls and had other people read the radar to us. joe came back, mad. he just went into the cabin and watched some movies. bobbie and albert argued for a bit about leaving, my dad wanting to leave and bobbie not wanting to risk dying at sea just to get home tonight.

so we waited, for hours. eventually my dad convinced bobbie that we could make it and we untied real quick and set off. we made it out of the marina and into the lake, the sky was dark around us and in front of us, but our radar calls had said that we should have a window to make it. we boated on and the sky became darker and soon the rain came. and for some reason we were far away from shore. i encouraged moving closer to shore, but did not say that my reasoning was if we capsized we could swim to shore easier.

then we rode right into the storm, the waves were becoming more violent, the wind was pulling our cover from its snappings, and bobbie went below deck to ride it out. i was scared. about halfway to our home port, my dad made a smart decision and turned around. the storm didnt seem to be lifting and no one was very confident about making it, so we turned around and hightailed it back to michigan city port, since we made it to the middle of the storm, we had to fight our way back through the storm. luckily we were going with the storm so the waves werent as hard on the boat, but they were big waves crashing all around us and i wasnt very happy about that.

we made it back to our slip and in a heavy rain we tied off and got everything back to normal. then the rains stopped. the night became clear and the fiery sun set itself behind the mean looking clouds on the horizon. this was our window, but no one was prepared to untie and get back out there. we decided to call it a night and just stay here.

this was around the time that i realized i couldnt live on a boat forever, which was an idea for my life. my body cannot handle the constant sun and the weather is just too scary, perhaps a bigger boat more suited for living, but no. i will not be living on a boat. then emily called. and we talked for awhile while i walked the night away on the pier talking a bit about some of the things i have been thinking about my life and she filled me in on some of the things that she had hoped to accomplish in my absence and how the various things in her life are shaping up.

watching a movie

then i had to cut the conversation, my family was waiting for me to start a movie in the boat, and well, it was just time to go. the four of us piled into the under deck area and just under the bow we all sat on a couch and watched the royal tennenbaums. it was a nice way to end the day.

monday, aug 17: i awoke very early this morning and saw my dad out on the boat trying to fix something and i was unhappy. i thought that he had gotten up early to get away early and that the boat wouldnt start. but when i actually went out and talked to him, he was just working on the radio, trying to figure out the problem. the morning was nice, but there were storms throughout the night and we were going to wait until the marina office opened to see the radar and make a plan for when we could leave.

so i sat and read. i hadnt made much time for reading in the recent weeks and in the last two days i had done some catching up. we breakfasted and after everyone woke my dad went to the marina and got the forecast. we would be here for a few more hours waiting for a storm to blow over. i spent most of the time reading, joe watched movies, and my dad and bobbie walked around the marina.

i read for a couple of hours and then took a walk out to the lighthouse. it was while i was out there that i remembered that i missed my 3 month anniversary and then, with a little more thought, i realized that today was my ten year anniversary.

on august 17th 1999 i moved away from the region, from my family, for good, for real. in the year before i left i had done some traveling around, lived with my mom, my dad, in chicago, all over the place. and by the time my 19th borthday was rolling around i had absolutely nothing. i was out of my apartment in chicago on the 15th or so and then went into indiana on the 16th for my birthday. all of my things were packed in a car that i had been using but belonged to my dad and bobbie.

on the night of my 19th birthday/morning of the 17th, i left. i took the car that i had borrowed and without really thinking it out too much and certainly not telling anyone, i drove toward new york city. i had a friend out there i had been talking to online, tiffany, and she was keen to have me visit. and i took the chance. and that was the start of my adult life. and today was the ten year anniversary of it, of me being truly independent and not relying on my family. i dont think i have ever come to my family asking for money or any other financial support since.

and i am pretty proud of myself for that, i am happy for the life that i have lived and happy to be back here with my family and enjoying all the time i can with them. i have some things that i need to work on, some questions i need to answer and some things i gotta do, but overall i am happy for this life.

and while i was out at the lighthouse i could see the refinerys that was near our home port, it was pretty clear out. i could see about halfway to chicago and the waters were calm, a number of other boats were out. i called my dad and told him what i saw and he said that he was just at the marina office and the radar looked the same. a storm was on the horizon and we just needed to wait for it to blow over. i was ready to leave, but i walked back to the boat and continued reading.

an hour later, he and bobbie went for another walk and stopped at the marina office to see the radar again. still, it looked the same. why? because they hadnt been refreshing the page, when that was done they saw that the skies were clear and the water calm. so they came back and finally we were able to push off from michigan city and head back to portage. yay!

the ride back was nice and calm, we got back to port tied up and started packing things out. bobbie and albert stayed on to clean the boat, but joe and i took our things and went back to the house. i was excited to see my computer and truck again, be on land, and have more options and space. we got back to the house and relaxed for a bit. i used my computer and sarted typing. and then kept on, taking regular breaks and by the time i was ready for sleep i was only half done.

tuesday, aug 18: now, i just need to make the rest of the things here happen. this month was meant to be hard, so i need to sort the thigns out. i have to get my truck to the shop and fixed, then drive to illinois and test the emissions, then send in my registration to oregon, then pay my insurance, and in between all of that i need to start contacting all of the people that i want to get in touch with. why is this so hard?