my problems arent really all that bad

well, i had a night. i guess i have a bit of a confession to make: i make all of the choices in my life. this snowstorm that came over this region really wasnt all that bad, i couldve driven away in it and i coudve slept in the back of my truck and things would have been fine. instead, i saw what was in front of me and made the choice to stay longer. i will own up to that.

snow in chicago!

i was getting down on myself a bit yesterday, after (again) running my destinations and mileage through a map and contrasting that with my current available funds. i was trying to make myself feel bad for staying longer in this city, living with opulence. and so it was like this when i connected with my old friend mike tsisrtsis yesterday. i was sitting at a bar drinking slowly, enjoying the drink but also making it last. he called me.

we had tried to get together before while i have been here, but our planets were not aligning. last night was different. he and his lady friend, vicki, came to meet me at the bar. we sat there for a drink, catching up. mike is another person that i went to high school with, it is nice that a number of the friends that i had in high school are still good people. and they are still into hanging out with me even though i havent made any effort to be a friend for the majority of the last twelve years or so.

the memorable bonding moment that mike and i had was shooting videos together in high school for some dumb class. i think i have expounded on how ridiculous i thought high school was and how i didnt really go and that, but this class asked us to be creative. i was into that. so, the two of us (along with whomever else had the misfortune of being paired with us) set off to make some hilarious commercial for fictional products. this experience certainly anchored our friendship. one of the videos was about shuttlecocks (becuase being 17 and in high school who wouldnt want to seize the opportunity to say cock a whole bunch of times), and when i was at the kansas city art museum i sent mike pictures of the shuttlecocks there.

the fact that he lived less than two blocks away from me certainly didnt hurt our high school friendship. we would smoke pot and do other drugs together often. you know, the things kids do. anyway.

so, i saw mike when i visited last time...but he didnt make very good company. he was very wasted, this time he was not. so it was nice to sit in the bar with him and vicki for a beer and catch up. knowing that i am on a budget he suggested that we go to a bar near vickis apartment where we could drink for next to nothing. i was down with that. i tried to pay my tab, but mike insisted on picking it up for me, i packed up my things and dropped my bag off at the apartment. then we drove away to the next bar.

the snowstorm had come upon us, it was snowing and there was plenty of snow on the ground. i was nervous to leave my truck, but i just figured that i could move it whenever i got back from this bar. i wasnt looking to be out all night and i have never really liked staying at random places or waking up in the morning and not knowing where i am at. probably the scariest thing for me would be to wake up in a weird room and not know where i was or why i was there. i would probably wake up and sit there for hours listening, trying to ascertain that no one else was around before i sneaked away. anyway.

we got the bar, it was called the lion head pub. and it was packed. almost immediately we were greeted by jill, mikes little sister. i felt bad because she remembered who i was, including my name, and i couldnt remember hers. had mike not

mike and i

told me it was his sister i would not have known. then we sidled throughout the bar towards the end of it where there were some seats open. i walked away to the bathroom and tried to get myself together a little bit.

it is true that i do well in social situations, but it is not without effort. so, in the bathroom - which had an attendant and everything, fancy - i discussed some finances with myself and worked out about how much i could spend and about how long i could stay at the bar with them. however, shortly after coming back i had to throw all of that financial planning away. mike illuminated for me the nature of our business here. vicki works there part-time as a server, in addition to being a kindergarten teacher. and mike was the manager of this bar for a fair amount of time up until very recently. next to nothing meant we were drinking for free. there was a beer waiting for me, i was still in sipping mode, but that shortly evaporated.

and i dont know what happened. it was only about 8:pm or so when we got to this bar and we didnt leave until almost 2:am. we talked, and drank, eventually food was brought to us, and i just took it all in and enjoyed myself. i just keep getting in line for the ride of life and am constantly amazed by how good it is. the bartenders kept bringing us beers. they would bring them to me while my current beer was still half full and i willed myself to drink faster. after i went outside to smoke i came in to a shot waiting for us.

i am not a big shot. i will just leave that sentence as it is, it looks good. i dont do shots very often, but it was waiting, and my friends were ready with their shots. i didnt think to question what it was until after i took it - it just made sure it wasnt a tidal wave. after drinking it i was informed it was some kind of flavored rum, with red bull. i am also not an energy drink person. i like to think i have plenty of energy without them and if my body says it needs to shut down, i like letting it. but not so this night.

around midnight, after two more shots and at least as many beers, i was curious about the upstairs. it was a place called the apartment and it had very good drink specials. not that we needed them, but $1 drafts is a good special for a fancy bar in the city. the apartment is a dance club, and it looked like it might be hopping up there. i wanted to go up there, i could dance. mike insisted that he was not a dancer, but vicki said she would grind me. so that was settled.

mike asked for the bill - we had to close out before going upstairs. with nine shots, 12-15 beers, and two rounds of food our bill came out to $12. i offered to pay, but again i was shut down. we gathered our things and went upstairs. it wasnt as packed up there as i thought it would be, and there werent very many people dancing, but i was into it. the place is set up to give the effect of being in an apartment, so there are couches and soft things all around as well as another bar. mike gravitated to this bar and we were awarded with another round of shots and more beer. jesus.

vicki and i

mike was determined not to dance, so vicki and i went out on the dance floor and engaged in some booty dancing. now, i am not very good at this, i dont know any of the songs and i cannot keep a rhythm for the life of me. but i did it because it was fun. i wanted mike to dance with vicki though, so we went over to the bar and i tried to show mike some of the moves. it was a bit awkward for me grinding on his lady, holding her hips, slapping her ass and such right in front of mike. eventually he got the idea. so i was left to dance by myself. that was certainly much less fun.

then we all danced together for a little bit, performing moves like the ever popular sandwich. luckily they were ready to leave after being upstairs for an hour and a half or so. vicki did have to go teach six year olds in the morning after all. by this time i was drunk. and happy. mike pointed me towards the brown line and then he and vicki walked in the other direction. when i got to fullerton, i was supposed to turn and walk to the brown line, pay the $2, and then get off after a couple of stops. this seemed ridiculous to me at the time.

i remembered driving here and it wasnt that far. and, since it was snowing, it wasnt even that cold. so i kept on walking up lincoln avenue. the snow was thick at my feet and my shoes are certainly not meant to be sloshing through snow. after a couple of blocks this seemed like a bad idea, i felt like i should have been much further along than i was. so i started running. eventually i came upon a group of people and i invaded them. i confirmed that i was walking the proper direction towards addison, but they informed me that it was much too far of a walk. one of the ladies buttoned up my jacket for me, i thought that was hilarious.

i assured them that a couple of miles would not pose a problem to me and with the knowledge that i was going in the right direction i trudged on. after a couple more blocks i was not a happy walker. i saw a cab and i just opened the door and started talking to him. after a moment i noticed that he already had a passenger so i asked him which way he was going. the light turned green and he drove away without telling me.

i walked on and i saw a lone person on the other side of the street. i yelled to him "ADDISON?" he said it was only a couple more blocks, then i yelled "DAMEN" and he said i was close. i thanked him. then i crossed the street and came upon a person shoveling snow. i asked him if he would walk in front of me and shovel a path. he said no. but that was okay, i could see the bar that i started the night at! i ran towards it and was satisfied that i knew where i was and that i was indeed close. finally i was back to the apartment, about an hour after i started.

but now i had a whole new dilemma. here is my dumb truck, parked on damen right under a sign that says "no parking if there is more than 2 inches of snow" i spent a fair amount of time debating what this sign meant. two inches of snow on the street? in general? would i get a ticket or would i get towed? setting better judgment aside i decided that i didnt want to risk having my truck towed, so i got in it and started it up. the heat felt nice and i think i fell asleep a little bit in there, but then i awoke and told myself i would drive down the two side streets and if there wasnt parking there i would just leave the truck to the fates of damen.

i drove around the block, and there wasnt parking. so i just parked the truck right back where it was and called it a night. i went upstairs and peeled off my wet clothes and reflected a bit about the night. and i got excited, since i hadnt spent any money this night i could justify going to see a show i wanted to catch tonight. i wasted no time in sending a drunken text message to a few friends that i would like to come with me. satisfied, i turned out the light and went to sleep.

in the morning my teeth felt disgusting. like i had just eaten twenty packages of smarties and the sugar residue was stuck on all of my teeth, i dislike red bull. i wanted nothing more than to brush my teeth. i gathered my things and went upstairs. but for whatever reason there was no water. this wasnt ideal - i wouldve like to wash my face as well - but i have been in worse situations, i got the sick residue out of my mouth and just had to settle with having some toothpaste left in my mouth until i could find running water. a small price to pay.

i'm about to leave again; i knew i was leaving

when diane and i were out the other night we talked heartily of my new friend vaughnda. we certainly devoured and demolished the topic of our dates until they were barely recognizable. the happiness that came over me was visible and so i gushed everything i could. it was good, she gave me perspectives that i wouldnt have easily fallen upon and she gave me her opinion of some of the various ideas i had from the position of being a woman.

since i will be leaving soon and our face time would be short lived i needed to come up with some sweet things to do while i am away to let her know that i am still thinking of her. some of the things diane shot down, some she admitted would be sweet. at the time it was ambiguous if vaughnda and i would see one another again before i left.

she had come down with the sickness and needed time to rest and recuperate. i can be voracious and never ending but everyone knows i have to leave. even if no one wants it to happen, we all know it must. so i had made a mix cd for my friend and promised to lend her a book that i have been carting around since adolescence. if i werent able to see her again, how would these things come to be in her possession. i worked out some plans for that to happen, but it wasnt necessary in the end.

the ambiguity of our union dissolved throughout the day. through email messages and texts, we made plans to see each other again last night after she had gotten off work. so i had a day to prepare. i have been coming to this nice little coffee shop, just north of where i am staying, to write and relax each day. so i weathered some time there and then went back tot he apartment to shower and change. then i decided to be proactive.

my brother had given me this neat little video camera. i employed it a couple of times on my second date with vaughnda - while we were ice skating - but those videos came out rather choppy. they convey the fun and excitement but arent really pleasurable to watch. and since i had this thing and time, and i had promised my brother to use it, i started this new thing.

sitting in alex's bedroom i recorded my first "video blog." as of right now i dont know how people can view them aside from facebook, but i might start a youtube account or something if i keep going with them. so, in the dim room i sat and talked about my current state of mind and the oddity of video documentation versus writing. i like writing more, who wants to watch themselves fidget for words? i could just get a mirror and watch my face as i type. but these videos arent really for me, they are for my brother.

and with my first video completed i decided to jump right into video blog number two. there is a place in the city of chicago called the fireside bowl. i have driven past it each time i have gone to or from vaughndas apartment. in my youth, i went to this place at least once a month and for a spell i was going every weekend. but i didnt go for the bowling, i dont even think the lanes were ever open in those days. this place operated as an all ages punk club. and i was (or really wanted to be) punk.

the fireside bowl

so i drove to this place, paced in front of the building for ten minutes while i recorded some memories of my time there. it was fun, and funny - hilarious i daresay. it was a fun thing to do and i think i will like using it more as i continue these travels.

afterwards i went to a bar and finished the mix that i made for vaughnda. it was nearing the time that she would come meet me and i needed these things to be done should i not see her again before i left. when i finished up there, i headed back over to the black rock where she would be meeting me after she got off work. i had a drink there and just sat. i am getting tired of sitting in bars. half past six she showed up. it was similar to the first time i saw her walk through the door. i tried to look more casual than i was feeling as she came up and then i received a surprise.

she greeted me with a kiss. that was very sweet and unexpected. we sat at the bar while i finished my drink and talked. she had been very sick the night before i happy that she was risking her health a bit more to spend time with me. she wanted to see the hovel that i had been staying in, so i took her upstairs and walked her through the apartment. i felt a bit embarrassed because it was such a mess, but it isnt my place, it is just where i am staying.

then we went out for dinner. we sat at a small table and i was able to stare into her stunning blue eyes, i liked that. then we went back to her place and enjoyed each others company for the evening. i was happy. i did have to tell her that i read up about her birthday and her birthday was listed as an important date to me - a fatal attraction. we laughed about that for a bit. we laid together in bed for a long time, and eventually fell asleep together.

we woke up early and laid together longer. she was still feeling very sick and called off work, eventually i had to leave. as much as i enjoyed sitting there with her, she would be better served getting good rest so i wrenched myself together and away. i went back to the apartment and helped the guys working there for a little bit before setting off to my favorite coffee shop to contemplate my future. i have to leave here soon, there are still some people i would like to see, but i need to stop convincing myself to stay longer.

the contrast of decay

well, i spent last night at the bars with some friends. mostly i spent the night talking to my old friend diane curtis. our connections to one another is an interesting thing. when i was younger, 16 or 17 years old, i would spend many evenings at an all night coffee shop aptly named "round the clock." i wasnt the only one. in addition to the friends i would come with there were numbers of other groups. kids from different schools, or older kids that were out of school.

it worked out okay for me. i would stay up all night long drinking coffee, reading, talking with random people, certainly being arrogant and annoying. and in the morning i would either not go to school or go there and just sleep through my classes. my parents were very lax and i was never admonished for this night life. its true i felt i was better than other people. even though i slept through many of my classes i was able to pass them all and even manage good grades in some of them. at one point i was put in honors english but the teacher thought me flippant and brash and sent me back to the regular class. i did good in that one, somewhere i still have the stories that i wrote for my creative writing classes. probably not so good now, but at the time they worked. probably, if i wouldve applied myself more, i would be smart by now.

but this isnt what i am even talking about! in my nights at this coffee shop i met many people, my personality stood out almost as much as my hair. there were a group of people, mostly ladies, that came from other places that also hung out there and people that i went with, mostly guys, allowed nature to run its course and we ended up becoming friends with each other.

within this new group of people existed diane curtis. we are almost exactly the same age other than that we were about as opposite as two people could be. she was logical and reserved. i was random and daring. how the two of us became and remained friends over these years is still beyond me. of these groups of people squashed together, i still talk to two of the guys that i would come with and just one of these ladies that we met.

during those formative years we spent a fair amount of time together, i met her parents and we became friends. even though she shopped at the gap and i wore the same tattered shirt every single day. i think we offered each other a good perspective on different ways to live. when i left in 1999 we stayed in touch, she was friends with my family and they would also keep up with one another. when i came back in 2001 we fell back into a friendship. we worked with some dumb band, she as the manager and me as the sound technician (i was never very good at it, but in later days when i was doing radio work this previous experience came in handy).

and in the year and a half that i spent back in indiana we became pretty good friends. when my wits end had been reached and i felt about ready to burst in the capsizing region of rusted dreams i found a way out. that way out was a one way ticket to portland, or. leaving again wasnt as sad as it should of been, but that could have been because of the barrier i had built between myself and the people that cared about me. a barrier of empty beer cans and liquor bottles.

before i left she gave me a parting gift that i still have and will never forget. it is one of the nicest most thoughtful gifts i have ever received. it was a simple little photo album filled with pictures of our past together and stories of our unlikely friendship. she had things going back to before we had even met each other when she and her friends would simply talk about the wierd guys that hung out at the coffee shop every night, before she even knew my name. and the photos worked all the way up to the parties that we were having as i was preparing to leave.

diane, now

and then i left to a wonderful world in portland. i was there for a couple of months and, to my surprise, diane wanted to come visit me. i hadnt been there long, but i had been through some interesting things since i moved there. its funny, all throughout this trip and on this blog i have been writing about my memories and past but i havent yet elucidated on my arrival and first few months in portland. i will have to get to that sometime...

so she came to visit. and i was confused about her intentions, like a dumb guy i assumed that she wanted to be with me. that her desire to visit me burnt from some long felt love that she had for me and as she saw her chances slipping away she was making a last grasp dying effort. i couldnt have been more left of center. and my mistake was admitting to her that i knew why she had come and that i wasnt interested in a sexual relationship. that led to a bit of a strained relationship for a bit - mostly because i was embarrassed by my arrogance/ignorance.

but, although i felt like a bad person for awhile, it was a good thing for me to learn. the lesson was that i am an idiot and although i oftentimes think i know everything and am more perceptive than anyone around me that simply is not true. that the people around me will be honest with their feelings and i need to believe them and their intentions, instead of reading into things in such a way that validates my ego trust the world that exists around me to unfold properly. basically, to be less of an idiot.

shortly after she left portland i decided to destroy everything that had propped me up for the majority of my life and start anew. my method for achieving this was to disappear from all of my friends and family. to this end, i stopped writing in my journal at the time, drafted a letter that elaborated my feelings toward the world at the time and sent it to everyone. i knew and cared about. this included my mother and father, my brother and sister, diane, alex and a few other friends that i was still keeping up with. and, although embarassing, since the letter still exists i will repost it here for general laughter:

"Life has never really attracted me. Or, maybe at one time it did and now it doesn’t because I've wiped a few layers of shit off of my eyes. And I begin to actually see. This isn’t something that just happened out of nowhere. It has been cultivating inside me for years and I've just never really understood how to process it. Attempts have been made to inject myself into society and flourish with it, the two of us growing and learning, changing together. I have finally realized that is not possible right now. The attempts have been shut-down and sometimes I feel lesser

me, now.

because of what I put myself through. I don’t like to give up on things. With what I am doing now, it doesn’t feel like giving up...more like growing up and above this world of lies that constantly tries to pull me back into it. I feel very good about what I am doing, this symbolic death. Societal death. These attachments (...) that draw me into this hell are being left behind. I no longer connect with that which I leave, and these things unconsciously hold me back...I've let them, but no longer. Thanks for understanding (if you do, but if you did then these words probably wouldn’t reach you...whatever). Peace.Love. "

that was written on february 20th 2003. and after sending out that letter i went ahead and dropped out of society. i destroyed my license, got rid of my cell phone, emptied my bank account, and whatever else i could do to remove myself from the system and make it hard to locate me. (in 2005 i had to work to reclaim my identity...that was a very hard thing to do. all i had was a non authentic looking birth certificate, mail, and a library card. that isnt enough things to even get a bank account.) this lasted for about nine months. but in that nine months, i immersed myself in the protest movement. i fell in with the portland indymedia collective, went to a number of protests and started becoming an organizer for these things. and i was pretty good at it. at least i think i was, i was diligent and restless and those were necessary qualities to possess when fighting a battle that you will most often lose.

so i grew up and became my own person. it was late november 2003 when i talked to my parents again. i had recently met emily, i had helped organize and carry out a successful protest against the ftaa in miami, and i was elated. i had also just smoked pot for the first time in years (thanks carlos), everything was going well and i just felt it was time. i borrowed a cell phone and called my dad. i think they were happy to hear from me.

in the years that have proceeded i learned about what my family and friends went through while i was exploring the new world i wanted to be a part of being free and traveling. my mom had thought i joined a cult and seriously contemplated sending my brother to oregon to look for me. my stepmom would call diane and ask her whether or not she had heard anything from me, i think my dad told me he thought about hiring a private detective. and no one understood why i had done what i did. honestly, i didnt really understand it so much either at the time, i was mostly just working off of soemthing i read in a book.

after my experiences i had a different outlook on where i came from and the people i came up with. i still felt better than them (i wont get to it in this post, but i no longer feel than i am better than people, i have been humbled since my younger days and have a much more even outlook on life) and i am sure i gloated way too much about my experiences. anyway, diane stuck with me throughout all of these things. all of the times i would disregard her, or treat her poorly, or insult her intentions, she stayed even and allowed me some grace to get over whatever i was working with.

and that is a quality of great friendship, something that is pretty rare and i surely appreciate. so, last night we got to hang out together again. (in this post i am omitting the second time i broke off communication with diane...some other time.) and it was real nice. she was interested to hear more about my dates with vaughnda because she could tell it was making me very happy. it was nice to tell her the things that i was feeling and the experiences i had shared with vaughnda and then get her perspective on them. as i said, her perspective is much different from mine.

and i wanted to know more about her relationship with her man. they have been together for 6 years, and i dont know much about their union. i want to know. also, i wanted to hear about sweet things that long time couples do for and with one another to keep a relationship interesting. having come out of a long term relationship that waned in excitement and interest toward to the end, i was interested to hear some tips and tricks from the other side. also, i like getting diane to talk about these things because she is a pretty reserved person. (many of the things she told me last night i had to swear not to write in my blog...)

she and i talked through her drinking an entire bottle of wine. and by the end of the night i got her to sing a song to me. her choice was "eternal flame" by the bangles, and she did a good job. she and i probably wont see one another for awhile, but i will always be happy with the knowledge that she exists out there, a true friend that will be there through any time, distance, or situation. those kinds of things are good.

the best books of our lives are being written all the time

i do not even know where to begin. oftentimes i think this is all just a dream, that eventually i will awake and find myself alone in a cold bed with the covers all twisted around me. however, for right now, i will jut roll with this glowing enactment of life.

so, i left indiana and again i am embarked on my magnificent travel. when i left last time my intention was to get as far away as possible as a way to fuel the fires and get my head back in this game. my most recent leaving was quite the opposite. this time i drove just 40 miles away to the city of chicago. after coming up here the other night and not spending time with some longtime friends i felt it necessary to at least come up and see them.

vaughnda johnson, my new friend.

and, more poignantly, i wanted to spend more time with my new friend vaughnda. to that end, my first night in the city was devoted to spending time with her. i came up to the black rock, the bar alex works at hoping that he would be there already so i could retrieve a key for his apartment which i would be calling home. he wasnt there yet. so i sat down and had a beer. i needed a bit of time to reconcile my heart and my mind. see, i was nervous about seeing her again. our first date went so well for me i had to fight away the thoughts of disaster.

i just needed a little bit of time to convince myself that everything would be okay. some time and a beer, that was all i needed. so i had these things. alex showed up and we sat at the bar for a little bit hanging out. then vaughnda sent me her address, and enticed me to get over my fears with a bottle of wine. i left the bar and proceeded to get a little bit lost. eventually i found her street and parked.

i sat in the truck for a couple minutes, encouraging myself. i know that this seems a bit juvenile or maybe like overkill. but, i hadnt had a date as good as with her in a very long time and there was a chance of sullying that memory with this second date. there was also a chance to give it all wings. and i guess thats just what life is, a series of chances that we take or turn away from. i rung the bell. and nothing. so i rang it again. still nothing. it was very cold out and instead of being patient and waiting for an answer, i called her. luckily the bell was out of order and i wasnt rushing her out of the bathroom or something.

she opened the door and let me in and my eyes were reminded of just how cute she is, her smile lit up the entire room. and here i was, in her apartment, i felt like i might be a bit over my head, but squashed these thoughts as quickly as they came, eased my mind and just let things happen. she opened a bottle of wine, we sat on the couch. and we talked. it was easy and fulfilling. i was happy. every now and again we would stop to make out a little bit, but then keep on talking. and i think that is important. however, eventually the time for talking came to an end.

and i had a pretty good night.

in the morning the covers were twisted. to my delight, however, i was warm and not alone. we laid in bed for awhile, enjoying the morning. eventually we kept on with our date and went our for breakfast. she took me to a nice little vegan friendly cafe (it was reminiscent of something you would find in portland) and we had a nice meal and worked out some ideas for our day together.

we drove back to her apartment to drop off my truck and then we hit the cta. our destination was downtown - to the cultural center. it was a cold walk to the subway, and once we were on the subway we sat there. we didnt talk much on the subway, i think that was because of how loud it was, but i was also enjoying the time to review my thoughts and feelings over the last 12 hours. you know, to get myself onto a more organized page. we walked through an underground mall once we were downtown and then made it to the cultural center.

this place was an old library - very beautiful - that was set to be demolished but was saved from the wrecking ball and turned into a public place. they have various art installations in there, it looked as if people could just come hang out in the sitting room and apparently they have live music there frequently. we walked through the floors until we got to the third floor. this was a very ornate place with detailed tile work around the windows and arches, words carved into the limestone. and in the center was a stained glass dome. probably more that 15,000 pieces of glass melded together with lead. it was very well done. we milled about the room, enjoying the architecture and craftmanship. then we kept on up through the building.

there was an art show on the top floor, and we walked through that. there were a few pieces in there that i liked. but, more to my attention, was a locked door that revealed a ballroom just beyond. i wanted to go in there, because it looked amazing. i talked to the security guard and tried to get him to let us in, but he maintained that he didnt have a key. instead i chatted with him awhile about the art on the walls and he took me around showing me some of the pieces he liked and

a glimpse of happiness and the bean

admitted to not understanding most of it and not even knowing what some of it was supposed to be. he was a nice guy.

then we went down and found another stained glass dome and more art. one of the rooms overlooked millennium park and the ice skating area that had been set up out there. vaughnda wanted to go ice skating, and i was into it. in my life i have only been ice skating twice. once in portland with my friend jennifer shortly before i left on this trip and yesterday. the first time i was pretty poor at it and by the finish my ankles were very sore. this time i knew to tie those skates tighter and was better at keeping my blades perpendicular to the ice. better, but by no means great at it. we wobbled around the rink a few times before we became pretty comfortable.

this was a pretty nice thing to do. we got to hold hands while we whipped around the rink in the ice and the cold. a couple of times i wanted to whip around in front of her so we could kiss while we were skating. my technique does not allow for this possibility. my best attempt at it led me to skating backwards for a second or so (while holding on to a strange man) and then falling. we were there for quite awhile, the time just flew right on by. it was very enjoyable. afterwards, once we stopped moving, we were both cold and thirsty, so we tramped back to the subway and on to her apartment. once there we enjoyed a cup of tea and i talked to alex on the phone.

he had neglected to give me the key to his apartment the previous night, so i needed to meet him up before he left the city. he wanted help picking up a television and he was hungry for dinner. so were we. vaughnda and i left after the cup of tea to go meet alex at the bar and then quickly left again to retrieve this television. of course it was huge and on the top floor. vaughnda stayed by the car to watch the "valuables" while alex and i hefted this machine down the stairs. it took up the entire back area of the car so upon leaving we had to pile into the front. vaughnda was sitting on my lap and that was nice.

we went to a german restaurant. i had thought i had been to a german restaurant once in my life, but after eating there i am pretty sure i have never been to one. we had a nice dinner together, and everything was good. when alex and i were alone at the table i got the chance to ask him what he thought of vaughnda. and he echoed many of the things that have attracted me to her. it is nice to have a friend see the things you see. after the complimentary schnapps shot we were finished with this place. we were all a bit a tired, and alex dropped us off back at my truck. finally i retrieved the key to his apartment. vaughnda and i left quickly back to her apartment.

as i knew it must, our date was coming to an end. i really didnt want it to, but she - like much of the rest of humanity - lives in reality. she had to go back to work this morning. we sat and had another cup of tea and kissed for a little bit.

the sadness of parting

we talked some more and then just held each other. it was pretty much like heaven. i was a bit torn. i wouldve very much liked to have stayed there with her again, but i was also looking forward to some time by myself to process all of the wonderful things that i had been a part of.

upon leaving i was elated. the elation didnt come from leaving but from the memory of all the time we had together. and i did it. what i had always wanted too, i sang in the streets as i walked back to my truck. i didnt get to tap along and dance around lightpoles, but i did sing the few verses i could remember/cobble together from the fred astaire number "they cant take that away from me." i was happy and all traces of tiredness vanished from my body.

i went back to alexs and intended to go to the bar and have a couple of drinks, but i got caught up seeing my computer for the first time in a more than a day. it isnt much of a secret that i am addicted to internet. so i just started reviewing the things that have transpired while i was spending time on joy island. as it got later i lost any desire to go sit at the bar, especially by myself, so i resigned myself to reading. i plugged in the second space heater (it was there, might as well, right?) and within a few minutes the power went out. i had tripped the breaker.

that sucked. i used my flashlight to get around the apartment looking for the breaker box, and after not finding it i called alex. he informed me that i had to go to the bar and into the basement to flip the switch. this was not something i wanted to have to do. i was mentally prepared to sit in a room by myself all night and turning the switch to interact with people is not one that instantly responds. but i sucked it up, it was that or a room as good as being outside. i went downstairs and was told that goldy was in the basement and i should talk to him.

goldy is scary. he is the boss of the bar and i had absolutely no desire to converse with him. he already doesnt like me because of the last time i was here. but i was already down there and went to the basement to tell him. he grilled me for a moment about what was plugged in to trip the breaker and i told him that i had plugged in the second space heater. then he asked me if i was living up there. i told him that i was just staying for a couple of days, and then he made the lights work again and i walked away. although this whole chain of events lasted less than ten minutes, it was thoroughly exhausting and i wanted nothing more than to sleep after that. so i curled up and made that happen.

waking up i was alone in a cold room, the covers twisted around me. the dream was over.