i am as constant as the northern star, constantly in darkness

well, i am at a crossroads. i am in pgh still, and i am enjoying myself. i havent met up with anyone yet, just exploring, it is nice. and here is where the crossroads are. i started writing, as in journal keeping, when i was about 19 years old. that stretch took me from indiana to new york to palm desert to indiana to olympia to santa barbara to indiana to portland. over the course of about four years.

once i got to portland my journaling intensified as i moved about the city like a ghost, not meeting any people just experiencing the place and exploring. i was able to do it because i was a loner. when i started meeting people and making friends, my journaling stopped. abruptly.

then i was an activist for a couple of years, traveling and organizing. meeting all kinds of people and making some great friendships, also learning and experiencing so many new things. but i didnt write about any of that, i have never really written about that stuff. and heres the conundrum. in 15 days, in pgh, a large protest is planned to coincide with the g20 meeting here.

my original thought pattern was to get out of here as quick as possible. because of the way that i am living, staying here during a militarization of the city that preys on people from out of town, can only bring hassle to me. and it could hurt my journey in ways that i havent even thought about. but, there is also opportunity.

last night, laying in my truck, completely happy and content, i decided that i would stay for it. fuck it. but then, when i got up, i tried to remember why i decided to stay for it, and couldnt come up with the reasons that had blessed me the previous evening. so, i guess i dont know what to do. i spent most of yesterday walking around downtown pgh and especially around the convention center where it will be held.

in my protester days i was more than anything a logistics person. i worked with people to plan ways to accomodate large numbers of people coming into the cities where these convergences happen, and to provide alternative media outlets for people to document their stories and have access to news and events from these events. it is often very stressful work that is quite thankless and i remember loving every moment of it.

the problem, for me, was that i didnt know if i really cared about the issues anymore. it was more about being able to help plan and coordinate these convergences, to work with the people and solve problems in a high stress environment creatively. clearly, i dont like the ideas of the wto, the imf, the g-20. i agree with the protest groups and protesters that these systems have only hurt people and funneled the global economy into the pockets of a select few corporations or individuals. i get it, and i dont like it. but, i guess i lost the feeling that we could actually change anything. i kind of gave up.

i gave up on the idea of random people descending upon foreign cities to attempt to disrupt these global powers before i ever even participated in these events. especially in the united states. the degree of repression from the police and government coupled with the overwhelming fear in the hearts of the people adds up to there never being a very clear victory in the streets. when i realized that i had given up on this idea, in 2005 or so, i focused on my city. the place where i live and tried to stop injustice and the oppression of the poor on a local scale.

this was a battle that i believed could be won, there were never any tanks or heavily armed storm troopers stopping local community action. so i worked with my neighborhood association and my neighbors, in my neighborhood to try to stop money from taking over and turning my nice neighborhood into an upscale boutiquery. after a little less that two years of that struggle, still there was no clear victory.

and when i say no clear victory, i mean that there was a clear loss and that overshadows any of the victories that were had. and after losing there, i kind of gave up completely. i was already in remission, but a complete lack of self-identity and no focus or goals for a future that i wanted to be a part of. it was depressing, and i spent most of the next year in depression denial. mad about where i was in life, not feeling like i would be able to get anywhere, the world is lost. those kinds of things. my solution, was "if you cant beat them, join them." but on a smaller scale.

i wanted to fix my credit, make some money, buy property and live off of land that i owned. so that no matter what happened in the fucked up world around me i would have a safe haven. but buying in proved to be harder than i thought. i had no credit whatsoever, i had no license, i didnt even have enough pieces of identity to open a bank account. i had done well in separating myself from the system that i wanted to see end. but i crawled back. i got a job, a bank account, a license, a car, i started trying to build my credit, etc.

i was already depressed, and trying to buy into something you dont believe in, desperately trying, is really extra depressing. i set myself away from the people that are my friends, i figured that if i was going to make myself a new person that i would have to make everything new. start from the ground up. before i would just move somewhere new to do this, it was easier that way. but not now. anyway, that all ended up failing. i wasnt good at it and i am sure it isnt even what i wanted. then i have a moment of opportunity to explore my life and chart a course. take things into perspective and find a path to follow and grow with it.

thats this trip, thats what it is about, finding a way to grow from my past. i dont know what i want to do. but i feel pressure to do something. part of me feels like i should give this protest business another chance. it made me enormously happy while i was in the moment, but the times in between mobilizations were very depressing. another part of me says that this will only interfere with the journey i have laid out for myself, and i should leave before i get sucked in.

anyway, this is what i call a ramble. classic. i will have a couple of days to figure out: should i stay or should i go?

i took the yellow bridge road, and ended up in squirrel park.

so, i had planned to make it take longer to get to pittsburgh, but here i am. i left akron and picked a place on the map, the place turned out to be lisbon, ohio. on the map it looked as if it might be a decent sized little pocket, but i was wrong. and on top of that it was a major holiday, so everything was closed anyway. i stopped in lisbon and walked around the town in about six minutes, then i went to the next biggest town, east liverpool.

east liverpool was about 17 miles away. not a big deal, i set off for it and found myself parked in an industrial shipyard overlooking a river. i do not know what river it was, probably the ohio (now that i think about it). anyway, like i said it was the holiday, so i was just looking for something to do. i went into the actual town and my god was it depressing. this was one of those completely run down towns that has such a charm to it.

the buildings were all brick and generally about three stories, very old looking. they were also decrepit. most of the storefronts had for rent signs, and there were about 5 barber shops. i parked and fiddled around in the back of my truck for awhile. it was drizzling out, so that was like strike three worst day. nothing is open because it is a holiday, and even if it werent, nothing would be open, and then it is raining.

so i walked around that town for about an hour. it was a nice walk, the town had such a charm to it. two years or so ago i was determined to buy a little commercial building in a town like this, site unseen. they were ebay and you could buy these 2 and 3 story building for $10,000. i didnt have that much money, never in my life have i had anywhere near that much money and i dont have any credit. it was a bit of a pipe dream, but i was so ready to just purchase it and then beg borrow and steal myself the money to buy something.

now i am a bit glad i didnt. i wouldve gotten one of these buildings here, it this town probably. sure they would be charming and need a lot of work, but once they were fixed up there werent any people in the town. there werent any jobs and if i started a business (a plant nursery was the plan) there wouldnt be any customers. that was a sore spot between emily and i for a minute. i was so ready to just leave and go start a new life with some property in a small town that was close to a big town.

the big town being pittsburgh, it has been a goal for a long time to be in pittsburgh. and east liverpool is only about 40 miles away. the town i was looking at before was new kensington, about 30 miles north of pgh. i plan to go up there when i am leaving to see the building that i was going to purchase. or at least try to find it. i want to see what failure i couldve endured or what glory skipped me. anyway, thats what i was thinking about walking all through this town.

after awhile i got pretty bored, and tired. i would walk and then stop whenever i saw a bench or someplace i wanted to stop and i would read a chapter of the book on hand. i have burned through two books over the last two days. my tiredness led me back to the truck where i consulted the map.

i was too close to pgh to go much further without just plunging into the city, but i really wanted to wait until wednesday to get to pgh. not enitrely sure why, but partly because i am nervous about my truck in a big city. the tags are expired and the new ones should be in pgh on wednesday or thursday. i will feel better about leaving my truck if i didnt think it was going to be towed all the time. or heavily ticketed. anyway, looking at the map i traced my journey.

i have been to fifteen states on this trip so far, and i have slept at least one night in every single one of them. then i looked at the ones i have skipped or the ones that i logistically wont get to ont his trip, states like minnesota and wisconsin, michigan. and i started making little trails of my journey to come, different paths to take and places to be. it is so overwhelming, a smile so large breaks across my face thinking about this future and it hurts. i cant do it very long. but what i noticed is that i will probably skip over west virginia and a few other interior mid southern states on the east coast.

but, there is this little sliver about 10 miles, maybe less of wva that is between ohio and pennsylvania, and i would have to drive through it. so i decided to drive to it and sleep there last night, for posterity. i slept in chester. mostly, i just read my books and watched some movies, it was quite boring. this morning, i made the trip into pittsburgh, and it was one of the most memorable/best ever drives of my life.

not the entire drive, my truck is running a bit rough because i need an oil change, but the last couple miles, from forest to pittsburgh is absolutely amazing. i was just driving along and it felt like i was back home in oregon, driving out to the coast or in the west hills. it was still raining and gray out, sweater weather, my favorite. and then we started hitting some suburbs which werent exciting, and then a tunnel.

tunnel have always been a mixed bag with me. i love going through them, but i am completely terrified of them. when i was a kid, 13 or so, i read a book called 'the stand' by stephen king and everytime i go through a tunnel i think of that book. it is an apocalyptic book, a flu like virus decimates the population. the stories follows about 14 characters, two of them have to get out of new york. they go through the lincoln tunnel, but there isnt any power (no lights) and it is a gridlock of cars with bodies that have been rotting in august for the last month or so. it is scary. and thats what i think about. i cannot get through the tunnel quick enough.

pittsburgh!

generally tunnels spit you out into more forest or a different hill or something, but not this one. this one you are in a tunnel and then all of a sudden you are right in downtown pittsburgh, on a bridge crossing the monongahela river. it is just an awesome entrance. and its wierd, i have been to pgh before, at least twice but i dont think i was driving ever. becasue i didnt have a license for about 5 years. the five years that i did most of my traveling, go figure.

now i am here. i plan to be here this week at least. i walked around a bit and have been sitting chilling out at a bookstore using their internet for a couple hours. i dont know whats next. i dont really plan to stay here until the protests at the end of the month, but my friends are organizers for it and maybe i should stay and help? maybe not. i will have to decide that.

everday feels like the first day of my life

after the long day yesterday (the 4th), i woke up and had a lazy morning. i just sat in my truck and finished the book i was reading, the dharma bums. it was okay. what i like about the fall like weather is that the days are still warm, but they warm up slower. i can sit in my tin box for awhile with the sun on it and it doesnt get unbearable. around 10 i was time to get out. i pushed open my doors and said hello to the day. it is such a great feeling to have the world just a thin way away from you and to be outside but inside at the same time. it is like urban camping.

what happened?

anyway, i got myself together and set off for the library. akron has a nice public library, right in the heart of downtown. there is free parking and then i can walk to everything, i like it. i went in and used the internet for awhile and in the process i finished my lemonade drink from the day before. so i went back to the truck and laid out all of my ingredients and started making new drinks for today.

a couple days ago in a blog post i was talking about all the different little areas of my truck, now i also have an apothecary. i had to gather water, which meant taking all of my bottles into the library, filling them and then repeating. i have a reserve gallon jug in the back and that also got refilled. it must be hilarious to anyone that sees me working out of the back of my truck like that, i do it so normally yet it must be a very odd thing for someone to see.

this diet isnt hard the first couple of days, the last time i did it i wasnt craving and tearing apart inside until like the 6th day. but then i also had a structured life and i was trying to work my diet around that. now my days are the exact opposite of structure and it should be easier. i like to think of myself as addiction breaking right now, food and the way that i consume it (and probably the way most americans consume it) is little more than an addiction to the flavors and the feelings of eating. when i convince myself that i am giving something unnecessary up it gets easier and i feel better about it.

after making my drinks i set off to discover akron. yesterday i spent my exploring hours by the college which is on the other side of town. now i am near the buildings and such. presumably where the people are. except this town is as ghostlike as i have ever seen. it is saturday early afternoon and there are no people about. i walked up and down the main streets about ten blocks in each direction, enjoyed some views and some thoughts about life relating to the things i see. then i went to this place called lock 3.

it is a public park with a stage, tonight is the annual hip hop showcase, with krs-one and big daddy kane, i was doing some recon to see a good way to sneak in or a nice vantage to enjoy it from. it looks very easy to get in without paying, but i found a parking structure next to it that i think i would like better than being in the grass. from the top of the parking structure i could see a pretty good layout of the town. and right on the other side was the minor league baseball diamond.

i dont really understand my obsession with sneaking into sporting arenas, but i see them and just want to be inside. so i found my way in, it was pretty easy. and i was exploring around there, generally i go into the concessions areas and take whatever i want from them, like in kansas city, but usually those places are locked down. not today. they were wide open and stocked. great day to be fasting.

under the bridge park

so i got out of there and went up to the box seats. those places were fancy! i went into a number of them, sat on the couches and looked out the windows, i opened the coolers and the cabinets. a couple of them were stocked with beer but again, not drinking right now. after that i was just looking for a way out. there was someone else up in the boxes area and i didnt want to get caught. so i walked right out the way i came in and found myself near a little park. the park had a stream running down it and i found it a very pleasant place to sit and read my book. it was similar to the esplanade in portland, but had more shade.

i sat reading for an hour or so and then came back to the library to use it before it closed up on me. then i walked on over to lock 3 to see how this concert was shaping up. there were a couple hundred people inside the park area and the concert hadnt even begun yet. i walked up to the top of the parking structure and it turned out to be a great view. i sat up there and read my book until the firsst act came on. they were a local group and pretty good, about halfway through their set my new friend darrell came up there.

darrell is 44 and he wanted to hang out up there because he liked the birds eye view. not for the concert though, he wanted to try to catch his lady friend cheating on him. that didnt make much sense to me, i told him as much, but he insisted that he was going to catch her. and then he was going to be done with her. he had already drank two 40ozs and had two more in the bag. he was drinking out of a little glass tumbler, careful to only pour in a few shots worth at a time. after the first act it was almost 7:pm. i didnt want to sit up here for the next four hours so i walked to a fancy hotel near the college and read my book for awhile.

it was nice to sit inside in a nice chair and just read. i was there for almost a half hour when the security guard came and asked me if i had a room there. i told him yes, that it was room 333. now i was just thinking on my feet trying to shake him, but right after i said it i knew it was a mistake. most fancy hotels, or hotels that are more than six stories will have their kitchens and cleaning and stuff on the second or third floor. if you look at the elevator it usually will have a lobby, a mezzanine, a basement (lower lobby) and a fourth floor. also, i had no idea how many rooms were on each floor, so it wouldve been wiser to say something more like 506. unfortunately he went to the computer and looked up the room, came back and told me there was no such room.

i said okay, that i would just finish my chapter and leave. he said i had to leave right now. i showed him that i only had like two paragraphs to end the chapter but he was cold hearted. i told him that he was a mean man. then i went back towards my truck. i read over there and then walked around some more. i got my jacket and around 9:pm went back over to the concert. darrell was still up there, now he was stoned too, and he just wanted to talk my ear off. i came up in the middle of buckshot set. buckshot, apparently, was part of cypress hill (among other groups from the nineties) and is now solo. he was probably the best i saw that night.

big daddy! at lock 3

after him was big daddy kane, he was pretty good. however, the best part about his set was when he pulled a little kid out from the crowd, christened him lil' daddy d and let him sit backstage for the show. what was great about this was that during the next song this kid just starts going wild dancing in the next song. he is like 8 years old and he had some moves, he was owning the stage and dancing all around kane. one of kanes boys asked him not to dance so close to kane and after the song, a backstage person apparently told him that he couldnt go dance out there any longer. krs-one came on after that and i was getting tired, but i had to at least see most of his set.

it wasnt a great one. it was just a medley of his songs where he would say a few words, let the beat go and the crowd would do the rest of the work. it was probably awesome for him, but i wanted a bit more. i started leaving halfway through the set, but walked slow and around the park so i could see most of it while still moving. i went back to my truck, it was almost 11 now, and drove away to find a place to sleep. i went pretty much back to the place i was at the last night, and it was a good spot.

oh, there is something else about the show that i noticed during kanes set. i was sitting six stories above everyone and looking down, i didnt realize what i was seeing at first but then it hit me. it was little cell phone screens. up on the dance area, in the seating area, like every fourth person was a little screen in front of them. it was crazy to just look down, people are out enjoying their weekend at a concert of old school hip hop and they are engrossed in screens. it had a 1984 feel to it, always followed by the screen that watched and listened to everything you did. it was eerie. and i use plenty of screen time myself, but i felt removed from it watching from above. hypocrite, i guess.