i am as constant as the northern star, constantly in darkness

well, i am at a crossroads. i am in pgh still, and i am enjoying myself. i havent met up with anyone yet, just exploring, it is nice. and here is where the crossroads are. i started writing, as in journal keeping, when i was about 19 years old. that stretch took me from indiana to new york to palm desert to indiana to olympia to santa barbara to indiana to portland. over the course of about four years.

once i got to portland my journaling intensified as i moved about the city like a ghost, not meeting any people just experiencing the place and exploring. i was able to do it because i was a loner. when i started meeting people and making friends, my journaling stopped. abruptly.

then i was an activist for a couple of years, traveling and organizing. meeting all kinds of people and making some great friendships, also learning and experiencing so many new things. but i didnt write about any of that, i have never really written about that stuff. and heres the conundrum. in 15 days, in pgh, a large protest is planned to coincide with the g20 meeting here.

my original thought pattern was to get out of here as quick as possible. because of the way that i am living, staying here during a militarization of the city that preys on people from out of town, can only bring hassle to me. and it could hurt my journey in ways that i havent even thought about. but, there is also opportunity.

last night, laying in my truck, completely happy and content, i decided that i would stay for it. fuck it. but then, when i got up, i tried to remember why i decided to stay for it, and couldnt come up with the reasons that had blessed me the previous evening. so, i guess i dont know what to do. i spent most of yesterday walking around downtown pgh and especially around the convention center where it will be held.

in my protester days i was more than anything a logistics person. i worked with people to plan ways to accomodate large numbers of people coming into the cities where these convergences happen, and to provide alternative media outlets for people to document their stories and have access to news and events from these events. it is often very stressful work that is quite thankless and i remember loving every moment of it.

the problem, for me, was that i didnt know if i really cared about the issues anymore. it was more about being able to help plan and coordinate these convergences, to work with the people and solve problems in a high stress environment creatively. clearly, i dont like the ideas of the wto, the imf, the g-20. i agree with the protest groups and protesters that these systems have only hurt people and funneled the global economy into the pockets of a select few corporations or individuals. i get it, and i dont like it. but, i guess i lost the feeling that we could actually change anything. i kind of gave up.

i gave up on the idea of random people descending upon foreign cities to attempt to disrupt these global powers before i ever even participated in these events. especially in the united states. the degree of repression from the police and government coupled with the overwhelming fear in the hearts of the people adds up to there never being a very clear victory in the streets. when i realized that i had given up on this idea, in 2005 or so, i focused on my city. the place where i live and tried to stop injustice and the oppression of the poor on a local scale.

this was a battle that i believed could be won, there were never any tanks or heavily armed storm troopers stopping local community action. so i worked with my neighborhood association and my neighbors, in my neighborhood to try to stop money from taking over and turning my nice neighborhood into an upscale boutiquery. after a little less that two years of that struggle, still there was no clear victory.

and when i say no clear victory, i mean that there was a clear loss and that overshadows any of the victories that were had. and after losing there, i kind of gave up completely. i was already in remission, but a complete lack of self-identity and no focus or goals for a future that i wanted to be a part of. it was depressing, and i spent most of the next year in depression denial. mad about where i was in life, not feeling like i would be able to get anywhere, the world is lost. those kinds of things. my solution, was "if you cant beat them, join them." but on a smaller scale.

i wanted to fix my credit, make some money, buy property and live off of land that i owned. so that no matter what happened in the fucked up world around me i would have a safe haven. but buying in proved to be harder than i thought. i had no credit whatsoever, i had no license, i didnt even have enough pieces of identity to open a bank account. i had done well in separating myself from the system that i wanted to see end. but i crawled back. i got a job, a bank account, a license, a car, i started trying to build my credit, etc.

i was already depressed, and trying to buy into something you dont believe in, desperately trying, is really extra depressing. i set myself away from the people that are my friends, i figured that if i was going to make myself a new person that i would have to make everything new. start from the ground up. before i would just move somewhere new to do this, it was easier that way. but not now. anyway, that all ended up failing. i wasnt good at it and i am sure it isnt even what i wanted. then i have a moment of opportunity to explore my life and chart a course. take things into perspective and find a path to follow and grow with it.

thats this trip, thats what it is about, finding a way to grow from my past. i dont know what i want to do. but i feel pressure to do something. part of me feels like i should give this protest business another chance. it made me enormously happy while i was in the moment, but the times in between mobilizations were very depressing. another part of me says that this will only interfere with the journey i have laid out for myself, and i should leave before i get sucked in.

anyway, this is what i call a ramble. classic. i will have a couple of days to figure out: should i stay or should i go?