i am gonna make it through this year.

i do not know the words to adequately explain my position in life, i wish i did. everything is so different, yet eerily the same...i find myself looking at all of my interactions and reunions with people as reflections from a parallel universe. see, told you i didnt have the words. when i am meeting an old friend for the first time i psyche myself up by trying to remember everything that occurred around the time when i left them, but my memory (what i have of it) is almost always rosy.

and i know that things didnt go so smoothly but i remember them that way. hell, even just writing these memories i am just writing what i remember from my experiences a couple of days ago. might as well just get on with that and stop trying to explain myself.

in the package emily sent me with my registration papers, she included a nice little painting. and by little, i mean tiny. i wanted to have it framed, i debated exploring things with my beach glass friend, abbie, who works as a framer. i decided against calling and asking her, instead i called nick who also works as a framer. i didnt get through to him, but since i was calling people i gave myself some last pep talks and called a person i have been trying to find for many years, becky liniger.

when i went glass hunting with abbie, the person i was trying gather gusto to call was becky and now was the time. i dialed the dumb number and waited as the phone rang to hear some voice. now might be a proper time to introduce this character. i have no real idea how becky and i met each other, but we met in 2001 or 2002, when i was having my relapse in indiana. and i was instantly taken by her, i thought that she looked real good, had nice hair, etc. but what really got me about her was how absolutely crazy she was.

she was a very small person but spoke with a quavering voice that was loud and seemed to always be on the edge of bursting in laughter or anger. she was impulsive and random, when she introduced herself she would call herself beckia and would spit that name out of her mouth. me, being how i am, found her utterly hilarious and captivating. the thing about her was that she wasnt acting a single part of it, she was just a functioning lunatic. i aspire to be as much.

anyway, we sort of starting dating. at any rate we spent a whole bunch of time around each other and i found a level of comfort in her that i didnt find in any one else around me. i had had a taste of traveling and living life with all roads open, but this region is stifling to dreams and many of the people around me suffocated without much resistance. i wanted to resist and she gave me some hope.

i think i left her rather unceremoniously in 2002. in is a sore spot of my past, just ditching out on people instead of being respectful and breaking away with full disclosure. in short, i would run away instead of walk away. in my mind, at the time, either way i was going away so i might as well take the path that was easiest for me at the time, i wasnt too much of a long range thinker. that disrespect has come back to bite me a few times, and each times it stings. i hope that i can be a bigger person from here on out. when i am leaving (since i always seem to be), just be honest and up front with the people in my life, allow myself to feel sad about leaving as much as any one else.

anyway, when i left here she and i were very close. when i was going crazy in my own way,, she was the only person that i wanted to have around me, i found comfort in the idea of her and if i had never left who knows what the seasons would have blown our way. and this is one of the people that i think about how life wouldve been different if i just didnt leave. but i guess i will talk more about that later.

when i called her, i only got her voicemail. i was pleased with this, she still had that quaver to her voice, but she was also in love with someone now and that change was something i was finding rather hard to swallow. especially becasue she mentions in her voicemail. the person? jesus christ.

so i left a message, and awaited a call back. eventually i received one. but it was from nick. he was going to his 10 year high school reunion this night, in indiana. he wasnt so much calling to invite me but he did invite me and i turned down his offer. i was set on seeing becky this night, even though i had only made my presence known a few hours earlier and i still hadnt heard from her.

the crossroads of america

later in the night she did call back. i was hesitant to pick up the phone, but i did. we chatted for some moments, and then she invited me out with her and some of her old friends. i was excited and said yes. we were going to meet at the crossroads of america, at a bar. i readied myself and headed off. i drove fast becasue i was far away, but also because i was nervous. and, although i was about 20 miles further away than she and her friends, i was the first person at the bar. i walked in and around, looking, but i didnt see anyone that looked like any of them so i went back outside.

i got myself back under control, the adrenaline and anxiety kind of exploded when i was walking through the bar looking for them. i cooled off and laughed heartily at myself for being such a freak when i comes to people, then i got a call. they were in the parking lot. i found them. becky was in the passenger seat, away from me, and rose was driving.

rose is an altogether different story. ... hmm, how to start. well, lets start with dating sites and 1996 or something. see, sometime around then i found the internet and a whole new community of folks there, and i started joining dating sites. mostly because i thought they were hilarious and i was hoping to meet someone that felt the same way about them as i did. a hilarious tool for social networking in a virtual world. (i didnt have those words then, and now i am not sure if they are accurate, but thats what came out and i liked it enough to leave it.)

one of the sites i joined was called sparkmatch (this site is today called okcupid, i am a member still). sparkmatch was the most hilarious of the dating sites, because it was made to be that way. and i started talking to this girl called rose. i think she lived in kentucky or maybe somewhere further away, but we hit it off and kept up a regular rapport. we meant to meet sometime, because she had some relation to the region, but it never panned out. fast forward to 2002.

*disclaimer: some of this may be so completely false that it is ridiculous, this is only one step up from making this all up....because i dont really recall how rose came back into the picture.*

becky and i were seeing each other, i was in a low point. i had just been fired from my job and was about to change my life. my friend steve was coming to visit (and would eventually sweep me away to portland) and things were starting to look up. becky also had a friend coming to visit. her name was rose. when i met her i knew that it was the same person that i had exchanged mails with so long ago and i thought that this was some sort of sign.

so, i was hanging out with the two of them alot and i found myself to be attracted to rose and wanted to pursue something with her. i was also partying a whole bunch around this time, spending a fair amount of most days in a drunken haze. these can be referred to as my college days. so i started courting her and kind of leaving becky behind. we werent actually dating and i was an idiot, i am not going to defend any of my actions. rose and i never properly got together, we made out a few times, but she insisted that she wasnt into men.

then comes the party at miller beach. some friend had a friend that owned a bar in miller beach and there was some kind of party happening there. so we all went and rose (who was about 19 at the time) and i spent a fair part of the evening in the bar drinking heavily and talking to the regulars. someone made the comment that the two of us made a nice couple. and we spun the story that we were dating and in that story, in that bar, i proposed to her.

it was as sincere a proposal as i think i will ever be able to muster. i think i was doing it more so to get her to sleep with me, but that didnt work. we proceeded to celebrate our union for awhile and made out with reckless abandon at the bar. anyway, then steve came to town. i had initially attempted to pawn becky off onto him, but he did not appreciate her craziness as i did. instead, he and rose hit it off and rose fancied him so things kind of fell into place that way.

that was the story of meeting rose, but let me say this: she was also crazy. her modus operandi was to prove to everyone around her that she was tougher and smarter than anyone else in the room (which is why i was drawn to her), she would engage in arguments that she had no way of winning, liked to burn things and punch holes in walls. when i left i dont know what happened to all of the people that i knew here, they just melted away. *end disclaimer.*

and now, here i was leaning on her car, planning a night. we were no longer going to the bar we were in front of, now we were going to meet another of their friends at a different bar. the bar we were headed to was the same place that nick's 10 year reunion was having its after party. this was by design, in separate cars we drove to the new bar. i got there first and it was ridiculous. it was absolutely packed and it was not the type of place that i would regularly find myself.

nick and heidi pulled up shortly after i did and they brought another old friend with them. this person was called jolene hanchar when i knew her, now she is married and is called something different. i spent some time in 1998 crushing on jolene and she consistently denied my advances. even though her friends told me that she also had a crush on me. as the evening progresses she will get into my face and talk to me with our foreheads together (she was quite drunk) while her husband stood next to us. it was uncomfortable.

inside the bar most people dispersed amongst the thick crowd, i sat at the bar and tried to talk with becky. she was my focus now. i wanted to know about her now, but she wasnt in a great position to talk, earlier in the day she had a spinal tap and was just coming down from the novacaine so her body was starting be experience intense pain. we had enough time for me to gather that she has had some hard years while i was away, she did indeed love jesus, and that she still had a zing about her. certainly, that craziness that i was drawn to had been muted but i could see it just beneath the surface desperate to spring forward.

at some point another character enters the fray. and, i know this is getting tedious, but the memories are flowing. this new person is someone i will call little jim, and as with everyone else, i need to quantify his existence. in 2001 i spent a good deal of time around my friend diane. she spent some of her time managing a band. that band was called quarterturn, jim was the drummer. through spending time with diane and the band, i was eventually brought in as the sound guy. at shows i would work the mixer board. i had know idea what i was doing, but it was fun.

jim and i didnt get along as well as we should have then. he was wily and short tempered and i liked to fuck with people. (i still like to.) we often fought with each other verbally and existed around each other with a visible tension. when i left i was not unhappy to never see him again. but, tonight, here he is. apparently he graduated with nick. jim didnt recognize me at first so nick reintroduced us. jim turned out very happy to see me.

he talked my ear off for awhile about the old days and explained our relationship to his girlfriend (which is why i remember it so vividly now) and then he laid it on me. he told me that back then he looked up to me and because of his pride he couldnt allow himself to admit it then. he said that he admired the way that i live my life and he was envious of it. and i was completely taken back. i have heard this before from people, but it always comes out of the blue that i cannot help but be shocked by it. after he got that out he didnt want to stop talking to me so i took some leave to let him get into a conversation with someone else.

when i came back a few things had changed. becky and heidi were gone and nick was sitting at the bar. i chatted with him for a bit and then went to find becky. she was outside with heidi and in a whole bunch of pain. i offered to take her home and that was readily accepted. i went inside to tell rose that i was taking her and to say goodbye to the other folks around. it was at this time that jolene brought me into to talk to her very closely. i liked the exchange we had, but there were other things i had to accomplish right now.

i cleared out the front seat and becky got in, then i drove her home. in the bar she alluded to the turns her life had taken, i figured it was because it was so loud in the bar, so i reupped the conversation now in the truck. she still wasnt very forthcoming, so i asked her why she loved jesus christ so much. she did some explaining, a new fire in her voice, and then she tried to quote me some scriptures, but i had told her earlier that we could hang out so long as she didnt try to convert me.

eventually we got back to her house and i wasnt satisfied. many of the interactions i have with my old people are one and done type encounters. i didnt want this to be becasue i didnt even get any information, so we talked about hanging out again. then she gave me an affectionate and long hug and was off. when she hugged me i recalled that was how she hugged seven years ago and i liked that moment of reminiscence. i love the way my live has gone, but i think i missed (or actively avoided) some opportunities and it is an odd thing to just sit and think about them or to be reminded of things that you had completely forgotten. i was happy to get home to sleep, because the next day would just be longer.

the song "going to chino" by the mountain goats makes me think about my past every time i hear it, sometimes i cry. its his voice and the low feedback in the background, not the lyrics. right now, while i am already enraptured by my past and the various ways i have fucked up my life (or the lives of people i care about), this song comes on and it doesnt help.

i didnt get much sleep. i had to wake up early because today was my nephews big day, the big 2. i had to pick up the balloons and drive to lowell to celebrate his birthday. in the morning, i did not want to go. i would have rathered sleeping in but i was expected. my sister had already called me twice to make sure that i was getting the balloons. so, with heavy eyelids, i got in my truck, went to the party store, and then to lowell.

there wasnt anyone there yet, there wasnt supposed to be. so i helped set ome things up and layout the food tables. then the party started rolling in. it was similar to the thing my mom wanted me to attend the previous weekend. a bunch of people that knew me and i didnt remember. and my mom likes showing me off for some reason. i guess it is becuase my mom sees me every couple of years. i will probably just have to become a father to know what it is like not seeing your son for so long.

anyway, i got to see some people that i remembered that i hadnt seen in a long time. one of them was my cousin oma. we were the same age growing up and spent the time at family functions together. we recently reconnected (after 12 years or more) on facebook and i had met to go see her, but never worked up the courage to do that. we didnt even get to talk for very long, i thought that there would be more spark there, but there wasnt.

bryce

i saw my sisters best friends when they were both very young (like 10 and under) her name is jackie. i had to endure my brother trying to get her to go on a date with him. kind of creepy, since it is like family but it wouldnt be the first time for him. and finally i saw my cousin susan. susan was a family favorite for most people, she was cute and bubbly and everyone liked her. we chatted for awhile about life and the turns it takes on you. she was in a bad marriage for years and is permanently messed up from it. that was sad to hear, but she seems happy now.

over and over to all of the people that i met and reconnected with i had to tell them my story. many of them just had a vague idea that i lived out west, or had built up that i have been just traveling constantly for the last x amount of years since i had last seen them. it gets tedious to explain over and over again that i live in portland, yes it is like seattle, yes it rains all of the time, yes it is beautiful, yes i love it. and then when they want to know what i am doing now! what a different story. many of the family people just dont comprehend my position. i tried to explain that i am just traveling with no real destination or purpose.

luckily this party eventually ended. i made my exit and headed back toward valparaiso. i had plans this night to go to my friend dianes birthday party in chicago. diane has been a great friend to me over my years. i have treated her pretty poorly in the past, but she was the first person to come and visit me in portland. something that took me by surprise at the time. and she is always understanding and accepting of apologies and just real to me. since i am leaving this area soon, i wanted to go up there and say goodbye properly. i wanted to thank her for being my good friend by being her good friend.

i readied myself and, around 7:pm, set off to the city. it took me about 2 hours to get up there and i felt that would give me a nice "fashionable late" arrival. but i was wrong. when i got there i called nick to see what it was like inside, but he wasnt there yet. i figured that if they werent there yet that there probably werent very many people up there and i wanted to have at least someone that i knew there before i went up.

now, heres why. diane dates a person called jason. this person jason does not care very much for me. i didnt want to be in the awkward position of just me diane and jason in her small apartment. so i did some recon. i located her apartment and watched it from the sidewalk. i only really saw two people, so i decided to do something different for a little bit. i had a beer and read my book on the street and when i saw more heads in the windows i decided that i could go up. it had been an hour. i had a hard time figuring out the buzzer system, but got myself buzzed in. and, just as i got on the elevator, nick and heidi came in and joined me. sweet timing.

we were up there with jason, diane, dianes siblings, and two others. we had some beers and more people showed up. we spent a fair amount of time on the balcony talking and quite a bit of time playing the nintendo wii. it was pretty fun, i had never really interacted with one before. but we did some aerobics and balance games and i liked that. when i settle somewhere i would consider having one.

happy birthday, diane!

alex came around midnight and we all just drank and merried away the night. it was a good time, i felt it was the way that i would like to remember these people and that i was fulfilling my plan to walk away instead of running away or unceremoniously leaving. i was caring for other people through my actions. which isnt the norm, it felt good.

finally, around 2 in the morning alex and i were all set to leave. i said my goodbyes and we were out the door. our plan was to go grab a snack and then i was going to sleep at his apartment since all of the irishmen have left. we went to the burrito place just around the corner from his house and ate. we ran into some folks that he knew and that i had met when i was up here earlier in the month. it was nice.

then we drove to his place and there were still some people hanging out at the bar, his friend adam was outside smoking a cigarette and another friend had just left. we talked for a minute and decided to just go upstairs and have a beer then sleep. so, i walked back to my truck and got a pillow and some blankets by the time i got back to the other side of the street i think it was already too late.

alex seemed to be joking with some guys that had walked up while i was in my truck. there were 6 or 7 of them and they mustve been walking, but decided to stand just in front of the bar. for some reason alex engaged them and they started to not just be joking, two of them started making fun of alex's weight and alex stood up to that. then one of them hit alex and alex responded with a blow to his head. unfortunately the numbers were not on our side. alex's friends adam was in the middle of this and wasnt putting up with being fucked with and he got into the fight as well.

after alex's initial punch it was pretty much over, but very far from done. three of the guys joined in with the first guy to beat up alex, punching him and throwing him to the ground and mercilessly kicking him. adam was luckier in that he only had two guys gang up on him. i stepped back and put my things down on the curb. i could tell that this was a lost cause, and i shouldve just moved us on before anything started, but now i was standing here watching two people i know get pummeled and i wasnt doing anything.

my fight or flight reflex kicked in and i walked away and called the cops. i am not proud of the fact that i called them, but i didnt really have any other choice. i couldnt stop what was happening and it needed to stop. the fight had calmed down now. the guys were kind of walking away at the insistence of the girls with them, but two of them just wouldnt leave it alone. and alex, bless his heart, didnt want to lose. so they egged each other on and another round came upon them.

at this point i had to walk away. i couldnt do anything and the longer i stood there the more likely i was to be thrown into this fight. in my mind, i was only thinking about how bad of a friend i am. it is beaten into my brain that the most powerful way to prove your loyalty and devotion to your friends is to back them up in a fight. regardless of if it is a losing battle, it is my duty as a good friend to throw myself in there and come out looking as fucked up as they did.

but i didnt. i was overcome with anxiety and fear and i walked away. the fight lasted for at least ten minutes and there were three or four distinct places to stop it. at one of them i did jump between the groups and try to keep them apart for a little bit, but it wasnt working. and then punches erupted again.

on the last battle some people that were inside the bar came out and pulled alex and adam into walkway and tried to close the other guys out. some of them tried to break down the door, but the majority of them realized that their window of getting away was dwindling and took off. two of them, including one of the more violent instigators, didnt make it away in time. the cops came and handcuffed these two guys to a fence and went looking for the others and came back empty handed.

then an hour or more of filling out paperwork to press charges on them. i gave my name as an eyewitness and apologized to alex for not getting into the fight with him. i felt a great deal of shame. i justified it to myself that i was never a part of it from the beginning and that i would have been very little help, but none of this has worked. i am not much of a fighter, but i shouldnt have just watched. this will sit with me for awhile and i will feel this shame for a long time. thats unfortunate.

i scrapped my plans for staying the night, since it was almost 5:am by now. i hung out with alex and adam in the bar while they recounted to themselves and the few other people there about what happened. and while they took a vicodin each and some shots of whiskey. i was sticking around for support, but i felt that i had already shown how reliable my support is and felt a new wave of shame wash over me. i just wanted to leave.

and i was releived when i got out of there. it was just after 6:am, i didnt sleep much the night before and now i had to drive 60 miles or so. towards the end of my journey i kept nodding off at the wheel for short periods and i was freaking out. i was so close to home and a bed, but i didnt want to die in the process. i debated just pulling over but i was so close. and what kept me going the last bit was the sunrise.

a poor image of the sunrise

i started recounted this journey i am on right now and all of the strange things that i have been through. i had seen plenty of sunsets, beautiful ocean backed ones on the beach and dirty city ones from rooftops. but this was the first time that i had seen the sunrise. i enjoyed that thought and pulled into the driveway with sleep on my mind. it was 7:30 by the time i shut off the truck and i was ready to call it a night.

i see that i am preparing myself for leaving again. i only slept a few short hours, i got up around noon and chatted with my brother about the night i had and the day to come. i had plans to see becky again. i got in touch with her and then showered and drove out to her house. i was quite a bit later than i had said i would be and felt bad about that. she was waiting for me outside. now we were going to get the facetime that i was desiring. we would be alone together, sober, no real distractions. i could listen to her life and add things as requested.

we went to a nature preserve to be in nature and throw a football around. it was her idea, and another reason why i liked her. i would have never thought to make a date to go throw a football, but she is a wierd one. we chatted on the ride out there. she talked to me about some things that she had been through. at some point after i left she developed a heroin habit and was a junkie for awhile. she had a kid in this time and found god while she was trying to get clean.

this is where i start really thinking about how someones life wouldve been different if i wouldnt have left. and it is a losing battle, becuase i alone do not have such an effect to alter the course of peoples lives. i say that and beleive it but also beleive in chaos theory in that any one thing different could have altered the entire course of life. i do not dwell on this too much, but i am a tactician, not a fighter (as evidenced by the previous night).

we made it to the park and she was just chatting me up and it felt good. i like it when people feel comfortable around me and can tell me the things they really want to. i dont have many of those moments with other people so i relish it when people have them with me. we threw the football around a little bit and had a good time with that, then we walked and looked over a ditch from a bridge and she just started confiding in me.

and by confiding i mean that i cannot repeat it here. and then she was crying and i was holding her and consoling her. i wanted to cry.

in my life, i have never felt so bad about my choices that i break down and just cannot control my emotions. i dont know if that is becasue i am emotionally inept or becasue my life hasnt been that hard. given those choices i'd like to think that my life hasnt been that hard, but if thats the case why i am so jaded? we shared a moment there and i felt happy about it. that moment was the reason started this journey. because i wanted to feel again.

then we walked around the lake while she picked flowers and talked more about her life. she had a new joy in her step and voice that i knew was becasue she was able to get some things out that she wasnt able to with anyone else. i would like to spend as much of my life as possible feeling the way i did then. i felt so much joy becasue she was happy and clearly more at ease and less stressed than she had been in a long time and that is all i want. i am happier to be able to help other people experience joy than when i am experiencing it myself.

eh, i dont think i can explain it very well. and, now i am tired again/still. the thing tht brings me down is that now i am leaving again. and that is the conundrum of life, always leaving.