the past is upon us

well, hello chicago. after yesterday being overall a bad day i had some hope that this one couldnt rival it. so far, so good. it is always strange to wake up in my truck after i havent been in it for awhile. it is a hard sleep and when i wake my body is often contorted in an odd way, some parts of my body are very cold and others very warm, there is a bit of dumb wonder as my brain catches up with the world around me. then i am sad for a moment and then i am happy for the day.

that moment of sadness is when i think of this life that i was living and had left, and other various times in my life where living was better than this. i dont think there has ever been a time when the adventure was better, but certainly the living has been. and the happiness is just me realizing the potential for this day and this life. there is always a reason to be happy, and generally the hope overwhelms the sorrow.

anyway. i sat in the truck for about a half hour, awake. then my body demanded movement and i was forced to oblige. it was cold out, the windows were frosted, so i put on pants and my hoodie. i wanted to find a place to use the computer so i drove around and i was in desperate need of gas. i did a good job losing the police last night and i was sufficiently devoid of direction, so i just went until i hit a major road and calibrated from there. of course it was in the wrong direction, but i got some gas and some breakfast at a grocery store then set off to find a coffee shop where i could sit for awhile and use the old web.

for a college town, there is quite a lack of coffee houses. or maybe i was just in the wrong places. i drove around for about 14 miles until i found something. it wasnt starbucks but it was close, but i was pretty confident they would have what i was looking for. they did. i sat there for awhile and enjoyed the internet and then i wanted to accomplish what i had come to this city for. the city was urbana-champaign illinois. the reason was the global headquarters of indymedia. now, really, ucimc is NOT the global headquarters, but they allowed themselves to be described as such back in the rivalry days.

true, there was a bit of a rivalry between two ideologies in the indymedia movement, and i helped fan the flame. the ideologies were media reform and media revolution. the portland ideology that i represented at the conferences and convergences i attended was revolution. tear down the traditional media structure and replace it. lodged firmly on the reform side were the leaders of ucimc, they went so far as having a paid staff and they bought a building in downtown urbana illinois. the building is an old post office, huge, and i visited it today. and it was a pretty cool thing.

i admit, when i was walking up to it and i saw the indymedia flags flying from the flagpoles a wave of pride washed over me. because whether or not i agreed with their practices, that movement was something i represented and defended vehemently at one point in my life. i looked at that as if it were a personal accomplishment even if i was more of a hinderance to this place than a help. anyway, i walked around a bit but didnt see any imc folks, there was a church function happening in the main room and i just perused the library and the few public rooms then i left. if i were still involved in indymedia i might have searched out someone, but towards the end of my run the folks at this place didnt hold me in very high regard so i wouldnt expect a very warm welcome if i did find someone.

i went back to my truck and made a quick decision. chicago, today. originally i had planned to be in urbana champaign for a day or two and maybe somewhere else along the way but after the events of yesterday i felt that it would be safest to just get someplace where i knew people. i got in touch with two people that i was closest with and alerted them to my plan. i have yet to actually tell them i am here, but whatevs.

now is the time where everything is supposed to come gushing forth. everything means memories. and some of them did. the closer i got to the city, the denser the traffic was and i was overtaken with awe (i guess) when the sears tower came into view. when i passed through harvey illinois i remembered my first bike trip that i went on with steve back when i was like 17 and an idiot. at cermak rd i started remembering this person i once dated named kelly. at halsted i started remembering when i lived in pilsen for a few months and the hell that was. when i got onto lake shore dr coming up to all the shows i saw at the fireside bowl and the metro started flooding me a bit. it was intense. so was the traffic.

i had plenty of time to indulge these memories because traffic was a crawl as soon as i got onto lake shore dr and persisted until i got past clark on belmont. see, although i grew up outside this large city and came here quite a bit in my youth, even lived here for a spell, i have really only ever gone to a few places. one of them was the north side, around the fireside bowl or wrigleyville. so i just headed in that direction, i figured at least i would find a place to get some more information or walk around streets i revered in my youth. but really, i think i am just putting off calling my friends and making this real. maybe i am just a pussy.