dont believe the hype.

ah, kansas. i want to be honest and up front about this. i dont like dogs very much. there are at least two, however, that i have been known to like in my life. one of them bore the name kansas and came from this state, perhaps even the town i am currently in, lawrence. as i am apt to do, i am ahead of myself.

ah, nebraska. it was raining when i left omaha, i didnt want to get out of my truck in the morning, but i had little else to do. omaha was starting to not be any fun (as if it ever were) and i was ready for something new. and, since i have already broken this up once, let me take this time to relate that this trip isnt the easiest thing ever. it sounds like a dream to just be constantly traveling and always be able to do whatever you want. it sounds like the thing you want to do when you are a kid and havent forgotten yet that the entire world is open to you.

right now, every day, i have to get up and figure out what to do in a brand new world where i dont know anyone. i dont have any refuge. i want to sometimes just sit on the couch and watch a movie, or have the ease of routine to get me through the day. all that easy life stuff is shattered here. here, being this life that i am currently leading. ack. so, even though i am leading a life of freedom, it isnt easy and isnt always desirable. it isnt really anythign to envy. it is just another thing to do, some people work in an office all week (my dream, seriously) and some people have to work outside. blah, blah, back to the rote.

ah, topeka. i eventually did get out of my truck and pretty quickly jumped on the road south to topeka. it had been my plan to go straight to kansas city, but i consulted the map and topeka was the capital and it was on a line leading to kc that had lawrence in the middle, i had heard so much about lawrence i wanted to go there. the drive south was not memorable, meaning that i dont remember any of it. i dont think i had to stop at all and it was raining, so i just kept going and eventually i was falling upon topeka.

again, a place i have never been, never even really heard of and certainly do not know anyone or anything that i could get up to. as per usual, i went straight to the capitol. generally they have some information there and free things, tours, what-have-you. and i like the buildings, if i were more of a planner and disliked the government less it might be a goal to see all of the state capitol buildings, but right now i am just playing it by ear. or whatever word works when you are driving.

the capitol building was under construction, apparently for a long time. i parked on the far side, where the street was closed and maids would be less likely to check the meter. i walked around the building, in a light rain, until i found the entracne. in i went. immediately i was met with a construction site, scaffolding, broken marble and the most hilarious straight-out-of-the-comic-book tornado shelter ever. i wanted to walk down into it, but it didnt look as if i were allowed to, and capitol buildings are places where i am generally weary. i dont fit the mold and dont really want to be accosted.

i walked around the construction and eventually found the visitor booth, it was heavily staffed, about 5 people behind the desk, and maybe 10 people looking at all of the goods available for purchase. i took a free postcard. and then i waited for the next tour to start, about ten minutes. the crowd of consumers filtered away and all that was left was me and the 5 or so people working. they got to chatting amongst themselves and when the tour time came around, no one popped up to make it happen. they just kept on back there and i was sitting outside like a dummy. eventually, someone peered from around the corner and inquired if the tour was starting here, and then impatiently looked at his watch.

that roused the workers and shortly after the tour started. it was just four of us. me, an older couple and (forgive the language) a country bumpkin. he was hilarious, of indeterminate middle age, wearing overalls and worn boots, talked with a slow drawl and constantly asked questions. we learned about the capitol building and then some about kansas history. there are some very amazing murals up in the capitol building and i would recommend for people to see them if they are able. also, kansas is very proud to be a free state. at some point, 1860 maybe, a number of state leaders got together and decided that kansas would join the union as a free state, and they would fight against slavery. one of the folks who has his name emblazoned on the wall of the hall of representatives is john brown. i thought that was interesting, i know john browns history is more complicated than we are led to beleive, but it was still neat.

also, on the second floor of the building there is a library, and it was really neat. the library has three levels inside of it that are connected via spiral staricase, and the floors of the second and third story are made of glass. i was listening to the lady talk, she said that it was almost all original and it was dont like that to take advantage of natural light filtering through. i was impressed already, and then we went up there! i was gingerly stepping on the glass, waiting for it to break through, but it didnt. i guess it wouldve been pretty strange for it to break after 150 years, just bearing my weight. i enjoyed being up there but appreciated it more from below.

then i was pretty much done there. i didnt go up to the dome, i wouldve had to wait another half hour for the next tour and wasnt really up for that, so i left. and outside, the world had changed. it was raining much heavier now and i just didnt want to do anything else. the downtown didnt look very promising and i was feeling a bit depressed, so i just sat in the back of my truck and listened to the rain patter as i watched a movie. when that finished i still had nothing to do. so i decided to drive to lawrence. it was only 20 miles away and might hold a few more gems than this capitol.

the road there was unspectacular, more two lane highway/farm road and quickly i was in a new city. and when i got there i was still not really feeling the day, but i found the downtown rather easily and parked. it was raining heavy still, but i figured that it might be just the thing i needed. i got out to explore. there wasnt really much happening in the rain, many of the shops were closed and it was kind of eerie. many of the shops were sports oriented, and then there were restaurants and a few bars. i walked down a couple blocks and then back up and eventually decided to get a burrito and finish my book.

by the time i had accomplished that it was time to start looking for my parking spot for the night. i hadnt driven around the city much, but this being a college town it was pretty easy to find what i was looking for. this night, i was expecting a phone call. it is wierd, when for four years you talk a person every single day and then all of a sudden they arent there anymore. the call came from emily, my partner. we hadnt spoken since i was in tucson, az over a month ago and it was only the third time we had talked to eack other in the two plus months i have been on this trip. we talked for 41 minutes, there are still things to be resolved and i dont know what my future holds.

then someone pulled up behind me and started opening and closing their doors. i as uncomfortable and had to get off the phone because i kept checking the windows and talking in hushed tones. getting caught sucks. after a while those people left. unfortunately my night woes continued and i slept fitfully through the storm, waking up in the middle of the night, but i didnt recall any dreams that i had. when it came time to actually get up i was feeling better about this day and set off to start it. i wanted to find the college and explore in there, maybe find a nice place to have a shower or something.

finding the college in this college town proved more difficult that i imagined. i drove around for so long looking for it, but i was just going past frat houses and neighborhoods. i consulted the map over and over and eventually decided to just go out to the mainest of streets that went through the college and drive into the heart of it. along the way i found the food co-op. yay! i had been thinking about resuming the master cleanse, so i wanted to have on had the few things i would need. instead i just bought some cayenne pills, thinking that they might aid me. then i continued down the street, into the heart of the college.

and this college was huge! kansas university. let me take this moment to relay how absolutely terrified i am of college, mostly the students. i guess i will relay a few college stories from my life right now, might as well. my memory serves me as such: when i was like 8 or something my mom drove me by this small college near where i grew up and she said that that was where i would go to college, and that i would be the first person in my family to attend college. it turned out to be some christian/catholic/god school of some sort that i would never ever dream of even stepping foot on. anyhow, i didnt attend. when i graduated high school my dad told me that he would pay for me to go to college if i wanted to, but if i didnt go now, that he wouldnt pay for it later. i opted against attending.

my reasoning, perhaps not so defined at the time, was that i was terrified of the people. i had always been a bit different, the people i went to school with, i was always a bit of a social outcast. even though everyone knew who i was and i was popular by notoriety. i helped publish some underground newspaper, and people thought i grew pot in my car. anyway, people my own age were not the people i wanted to associate with, and certainly not the people that had been in my life up til now, there had to be something different or better. so i moved away instead.

when i was in boston in 2004 a professor at boston university asked a friend of mine and me to lecture his class about independent media and activism, i was absolutely terrified. i was 24 and these people were my own age and i was supposed to tell them something! i was sweating and babbling through it, luckily my friend was much better at wading through the college crowd. we got paid $100. a majority of those earnings were spent at a restaurant called the "pu-pu hot pot," our favorite restaurant in cambridge...no joke. and then, in portland, i decided to take my first college course. it wasnt really that scary or anything, but it also wasnt very fun. i suppose it is different when you live on campus and your whole life revolves around this series of buildings. anyway, it is strange to me, and something that i am still trying to be comfortable with.

so, here i am at ku. i drove around the campus for a long time looking for free parking, but it didnt exist, so i found a side street just off campus, parked and walked in. there wasnt much going on, just construction. i wound my way through the streets and paths to the art museum, the spencer. i was happy for that place. it is a free museum and had some really good exhibits. when i first walked in i was confronted with a projected image of a native lady dancing, then the image switched to another day and her dancing another stye. for 30 days she learned a new dancing style each day, the idea behind it was to remove the typecast of natives and show diversity in the culture. i didnt really understand that, but thats what the card said.

moving on, old art, boring stuff. what i dont get about art museums is how much of the artwork revolves around jesus christ. i mean, jesus! enough already. my outlook is that i have seen it before, i admire that these pieces have withstood time, but i am really more interested it works that depict odd or outlandish aspects of ancient life or modern life for that matter. the special exhibit on the main floor was hilarious.

it was another video, this one a black and white film in three parts in the style of 1950's movie/modern day soap opera. the protagonist, a large black woman with a huge gap in her teeth is played by the artist dressed in drag. the film, to me, really isnt museum art, but i enjoyed it. it was a love triangle with a twist and the themes and images certainly were not appropriate for a museum. i sat and watched all of it and laughed numerous times. the queen of assholes. then i went to the next floor and there were more old/boring art exhibits and another special exhibit, and this one i appreciated very much.

to me, the exhibit was set up to put the male body into accurate perspective and serve as a conversation about the myths behind the sexual image of man to the world. what i dont like about stuffy old museums is that they are very open about portraying the female form at all times, but the male form is often restricted, the penis specifically is censored or artwork depicting the penis is not considered worthy to hang on walls. to me, that censorship has allowed myths about men and their junk to persist through time, making men insecure about their bodies and often times making up for that by being tough guys and disowning their feelings.

blah blah blah.

this exhibit, to me, broke down some barriers. and the necessity for these barriers to be broken down was exemplified by me being the only person in this wing, viewing this exhibit. some people came to the edges and saw the disclaimer peeked inside and turned away. what this exhibit brings up, the conversations, arent ones that people generally want to have. they are uncomfortable, and that is precisely why they need to be discussed so we can become more comfortable with male genitalia, nudity in general and the fact that every body is different and beautiful just because it exists, media myths of beuaty that are perpetuated and borne into our minds as children need to be broken.

because i still ascribe to these myths and because i am still not entirely comfortable with my body is the reason i appreciate these types of displays. /rant, i guess. through a couple of halls the art depicting the male form throughout history, it was graphic, and true to life. one that i particularly enjoyed was a media mogul that had commissioned a series of himself nude in unflattering poses to show how age has shaped his body. anyway, i was happy for this exhibit, end.

then i left the museum and walked around the campus more, was dismayed at the security that the athletic center boasted. i wasnt able to get myself in and enjoy a dip in the pool or a run through the shower. the sky turned an ominous dark grey as if dementors were coming down upon this small city, so i decided to get back to my truck and wait out the storm. i sat in there and read for a bit then watched another movie. once the storm passed over i had to get back out and do something. i decided to find a park and read for a bit.

after that, which didnt last long, i decided to go back to the downtown area and see if more shops were open. the sun was back out and it was still early enough. i saw that some more shops were opened and decided to stop again and walk. i dropped a few post cards off at the mailbox, thus depleting my store of postcards. i need to build it back up. mostly, walking around, i went into bookstores. i am in a desperate search for a couple of books that i cannot seem to find anywhere. borders (ack) doesnt even carry the author of the books, and powells doesnt have the books listed online. they are both out, but perhaps only in britain, which sucks.

when i got to the far end of downtown, i noticed something that escaped me coming into town: a river. i love rivers. and bridges, and water fowl...but not foul water! what a bad joke. i dont even actually like water fowl, i only wrote it for the joke. jesus! so, i walked across the bridge and the river is a mini hydro-electric plant which was cute. then i walked on down to the riverfront hotel to see if there was a possibility of getting into the pool and jacuzzi, again no such luck. dismayed i went on back to the downtown and my truck. i didnt have anything else to do, so i went back to my truck and decided that i would go to the coop and get some supplies then find a place to sleep.

i ended up parking where i had stopped during the day, i ate the morsels the coop supplied me and then read my book some more. i watched half of a movie but wasnt really interested so i tried sleeping. again, a night of fitful sleep this time i had a dream about someone accosting me and i enjoyed it. we will see how it plays out in real life. i kept waking up through the night again and was unhappy about it, eventually i was up at 6:am and just read my book and tooled around the internet until my computer died. but i wanted more computer time, so i decided to start my day at a coffee shop.

coffee is not a regular drink for me, i used to be addicted to it and gave it up cold turkey about a year ago (maybe less than that, but i dont really remember). on this trip i have had coffee a couple times, but today is was mostly to sit at the coffee shop and type away while searching the web high on caffeine. now, wired, i think i can safely set my course towards kansas city. kc looks huge and i am not entirely excited about going there. i think i have been building st louis up too much in my mind.