no expectations, no explanations

hanging out in boulder

that is something i want to get tattooed on my body at some point, somewhere. i havent thought it out quite thoroughly yet, but it certainly isnt knuckles. maybe down the back of my legs or something, in a bright color, really just some color, not black. i thought of it today while i was at the denver art museum.

i have been cruising around denver for the past few days with my friend adam and his wife love. we have been going out and doing things, and staying up late/getting up late. we went to a couple bars one night, the irish snug, the lions lair, etc. we also threw a frisbee for a short bit at a park and went to boulder to explore. i have had a good time. these are great people and i am just very happy that i know them. when we were at boulder adam gave a toast for getting to spend his time with a great wife and a great friend. that made me very happy.

today they got up very early and i was still asleep, they were going to leave me locked in the house, but i woke up real quick and threw on some clothes and got out. it was really the first time since i got here that i have been able to go off exploring on my own. i did do the art walk before i knew they were here, and i did do the miniature museum by myself, but now i had a whole day.

and it felt like it had been a long time since i have had that. i went straight from being with frances to being with adam and didnt have any i-am-a-loner-on-the-road-all-alone time. but thats okay, today i got to get back in the groove right quick. so first, i went out for breakfast. it, literally, has been weeks since i had breakfast. thats because i have spent the last two weeks with late nighters and late risers. i enjoyed every last bit of the greasy spoon eggs/bacon/homefries/toast that i got. it was more than i wanted to pay, but whatever.

after that i was full and set off downtown. as i have expressed before i appreciate the architecture of capitol buildings, there is one here and it is a free tour. so i went in that direction. denver is like a galaxy. (i am going to explain why here, but please know that i am not positive that this is what a galaxy is like.) there are a few dense cores, all of the colleges share one campus, the capitol building/library/art museum/us mint/etc are all in one cluster downtown, and then there is emptiness all around. sprawl. it would be so much nicer if landmarks were more spread out it would do so much for creating creative centers all about the city. like a resurgence.

anyway, i found a place to park about a block and a half from the capitol and took it. then i walked back to the capitol up the steps and inside. now, the capitol buildings are free, but they are a hassle. i have reverted a bit to my batbelt days and carry a number of metallic items on my person, for government buildings you have to go through a metal detector to get in. so i took off all my stuff: belt buckle, led maglight, leatherman, keys, cell phone, and other randomness. then i got to put it all back on and get on with the tour.

the colorado capitol

generally it is a self guided tour, and i was okay with that. i walked in with that in mind and then saw a number of quilts hanging around me. i remember. there is a quilt show in downtown denver, clearly this is it. an info table gave me a slip to vote on my three best quilts, and a guide to the capitol. i took them and wandered the lower level looking at the quilts and the architecture, then i found a staffed info booth and a guided tour that was starting right now, so i hopped on the tail end. it was a free tour anyway and i could come and go at leisure.

some neat things i learned. all of the materials to build the capitol came from various parts of colorado and there is a register detailing where each material came from. there is a type of marble there called ruby onyx (i believe), it has only been found in one place in the world, one mine in colorado, and all of it was used in the capitol building. it was a very beautiful stone.

blah blah blah we learned more about the history of colorado, the capitol saw the legislature and such. mostly i was looking at quilts and listening to the tour guide talk about the stained glass windows that adorned the capitol. there were some interesting ones. during the civil war colorado was mostly neutral, however the confederacy plotted to invade colorado from the south and use the gold to fund the souths war effort. the state of colorado officially participated in one battle, in sante fe, and won. they have a statue commemorating that.

then i walked up to the dome. from the third floor it is another 99 steps and the stairway is narrow. once i got to the top, it was worth it. all of the windows had been removed for some reason and there was a nice breeze blowing through the atrium (i guess thats the word), but unfortunately we couldnt go out onto the balcony. i walked around up there for a bit and pleaded to climb the extra spiral stairway to the very top or at least be allowed onto the outer balcony. after repeated no's i began the long descent and was soon done at the capitol.

i left and charted a course toward my truck, the meter should be about run out by now anyway. as i walked toward it i saw that i had another ticket. i couldnt fathom why, i had fed the meter for wo hours and was only inside for an hour and a half. i got up to it and saw that i was ticketed becasue i was precisely behind the meter. i stuck in front of it a bit and was ticketed, there was still 35 minutes on the meter. however, i am no longer mad about that.

while in colorado springs i got two tickets. one for allowing the meter to expire, it was $20. i got it and was going to pay it just like the one in ocean beach. i had been working to build my credit back up and tickets were what destroyed me the first time. then the next day i got a $50 ticket for parking to close to a crosswalk. mind you, there were no signs saying that you had to leave at least 50' between the crosswalk and the first parked car, generally the curb is painted yellow or red or whatever, but not here. at that time i was angry. i wasnt about to pay a $50 ticket.

and if i wouldnt pay that one, why should i pay the $20 one. if i couldnt rebuild my credit in the last three years, while trying, what hope do i have to rebuild it now. and why should i really care. i mean i was trying to rebuild my credit because i wanted to buy a house because there was a life laid out in front of me. now that life isnt there, now that house doesnt matter, now my credit score doesnt either. so i had a bit of a fuck the world everything will end eventually and hopefully i am here for it so i can sleep easy knowing that i only gave in for a little while.

when i got the $25 ticket today, it was just mortar to the bricks already laid. instead of being unhappy about it, i took it as a free day pass to park in the city wherever i wanted for free. i decided to remain parked there, becasue i was already at a galaxy core. so i left the ticket in the windshield and walked on. i came to an odd building, it was sheer on one side and then sloped the the sidewalk at about 30 degrees on the other side. it was walkable, and i tried to walk up it, but they have some barriers to prevent it.

intrigued i walked to the front to see what building it was and if i could get at it from inside. it was the colorado history museum and i went in, i love history museums. i grilled the nice old lady behind the counter if i could proceed up the backside of the building without being arrested, and if i were foolish enough to try. she assured me that i would be arrested, but let me know that today was the free day at the museum. i accepted her offer and went on a walkabout.

what i was most surprised about in this museum is how much colorado recognized the ku klux klan as part of its history. they had a few exhibits about the klan, its propaganda and its role in shaping colorado. it also had a lot of black herstory. it was an interesting museum up top and the bottom level was even better! the first thing i was met with was a large interactive map that was 3-d and had a light show to go along with the stories of the land, i watched it for awhile and enjoyed every moment of it.

then i moved on through the other exhibits some of which i remember, but they altogether werent worth mentioning, the next one i came upon that was worth mentioning was the mining exhibit. a whole huge room was a recreated mining operation with all of the rail cars that would be employed and the tools, it wasnt interactive but you could touch the things and there were oil stains on the ground. i wanted to jump in one of the coal cars, but i didnt.

old denver as diorama

then i came upon the dioramas! and i dont know why or what it is, but i have really started to be engrossed by miniatures. it started before the miniature museum and persists. i was studying the scale models of scenes from the gold mining days, there was a model of the initial city of denver, and it was just so amazing, so much detail and care. when i look at things like that, it makes me want to care about something so much. it evokes an emotion, a feeling, that if i could just find my diorama i would be happy.

and since i used that word, happy, let me just remind myself and everyone around me: i love my life. the epiphany came to me a little later in the day, when i was at the art museum, but i said it aloud to no one and all the particles in the air, my life is amazing, i love it and wouldnt have it any other way.

moving on. after i finished with the dioramas, i was done in this museum. so i left and started walking again. in front of me was the denver art museum. i like art museums that are housed in buildings that are pieces of art in themselves. and the denver art museum certainly qualifies. it is a large building, it has a north tower that is seven stories tall and a sky bridge that connects to the south tower which is only four stories, but those four stories are housed in long spikes that shoot out randomly across the streets and into the sky. it is really an amazing building to look at.

a model of the art museum area, the actual art museum is the funky building on the left

and it was expensive to get into. clearly, i wasnt going to pay for expensive, so i was going through in my head how i would try to sneak in. when i walked in the door i stopped thinking. i just allowed my body to move and without the burden of thought i think i looked less suspicious and i was able to meander right by the ticket takers and into the art museum. when i walked in the door, i cased it quickly: to my right was the ticket counter, directly in front of me were the ticket takers, and to my left was a staircase.

there was a ticket taker talking to a man in a wheelchair with her back to the stairs. there was a sign that said tickets required beyond this point, but i tried not to look at that. i just walked to the farside of the staircase and slowly walked up them and all of a sudden i was on the second level. there was a man in a chair checking tickets to get into the special exhibit, so i quickly moved away from him and into the first gallery. i walked quickly and got across the sky bridge. i figured then i could relax i was deep enough into the facility, there was nothing more to fear.

one of the problems of sneaking into places is that i dont get a whole lot of information prior to getting in and move quickly at first and then just go with where ever i am. i was in the north tower and it was boring old art. the things that i can see for free at city museums and capitol buildings and the like, i worked my way quickly through the first two levels and decided to then take the elevator to the top and work my way down instead of up. the museum wasnt very good right now.

my epiphany would have been well had in this chair

i think it was on the 6th floor where i had the "i love my life" epiphany. i was walking through an exhibit of chairs and there were some that were very ornate and the room was all white and i just felt so out of place. and i loved it. i loved the feeling of not fitting in and having my personal secret, that all of these other people paid in some way to get in to see these chairs and i have no connection to that. i dont have to try to appreciate things because there is no tag hanging in front of my face that says i have to get $15 worth of good feelings out of this place to feel that my time and money were well spent.

without that baggage i felt more able to experience things for what they were and appreciate or not at my leisure. i worked quickly through that side of the building and was mostly disappointed becasue the art was just stale. not something that i would think to be worth $15. luckily i remembered that the other side must have something to offer, i had only walked quickly through the second floor and there must be more than what i saw and the special exhibit, i made my way back and crossed the sky bridge again. i keep mentioning it because i like sky bridges.

and, now i have plenty of confidence, whether or not ive paid i belong here, no one can question that. i walked slower and found the stairs to the other floors of the south tower...and this is what people pay for. modern art, art that makes you think, some really amazing pieces that i could just spend all day trying to understand the complexities of. and some things that may be typical now for art, but i never remembered. there was an art movie that was playing, a number of places to put on headphones to listen to music that was specified for that artwork. it was very interesting. there was one display that was an entire room with tables and chairs and things on the tables, but everything was painted bright bright red and there were dark gray foxes in various states jumping around the room. it was striking.

there was much more cool art to look at here, and i cannot get into it all, i can say that my camera batteries had died and i was unhappy because what i came upon next was a transfixing little art experiment. i wish i had been able to take a video, the pictures i got do not do it any kind of justice. i walked into a little area that had a huge painting that was very disturbing and provoking and i was just looking at it and i heard a voice behind me, i paid no mind. then i walked away and heard someone from where i had just come from say "fire, fire, fire" and i knew that there was no one in that space but me. so i went and investigated.

unfortunate, but this is the best i could do

i looked around and i found behind where i had been standing some seats, behind the seats in a little nook was a suitcase. the suitcase was open and there was a doll propped up in there. in front of the suitcase was a dvd projector and it projected perfectly a face on the little doll. the doll was now a person and she was just saying very random things and looking around. it was very creepy. i was the only one around, so i conversed with her for a little while, then walked away. i could hear her from afar and decided to go back. i wanted to see what happened at the end. i ended up listening and watching for about a half hour and never came to the end. it was probably the best art i have ever seen.

but i had to leave, i was done there for the most part. i had tried to get into the special event area but i wasnt able to pull it off. and when i got outside it was scalding and i was a little bit beat. i called up adam and made my way back toward his home. there wasnt much going on there, it was hot inside and they were just lazing about trying to stave off the heat. i didnt really want to do that. so i gathered my things and went to the bar. at least it would be air conditioned, i'd have wireless and beer! so i went back toward the irish snug. they have a good beer special and would host gypsy jazz tonight which adam and love would meet me for.

i went and typed away like mad and drank a number of beers. eventually adam called and instructed me to obtain a table for the music, i did. and it was nice music, a violin, two guitars, and an upright bass. we all sat and listened, and enjoyed the atmosphere of the place a couple of hours before we came back to play scattegories. i dont believe i have ever played the game. i enjoyed it but there was some tension in the air and we didnt get very far in the playing process.