mending the wounds of the past, in the present

well, after i wrote about getting to chicago i sucked it up and went on to find my friend alex. alex has been in my life since i was 15 or 16 years old, he reached out to me after i moved from one high school to another. around my 12-16 years i was more or less a klepto. i would steal from anywhere, anyone, for any reason. he saw me going to lunch at the grocery store where i would steal an apple or some other piece of fruit everyday. then he talked to me. then he came over to my house and we were friends.

we had similar interests, we did drugs together and we didnt really like the school that we went to or the people that treated us poorly for being different. at some point we decided that it would be a good idea to call attention to some of the injustices that we saw around the school, so we collaborated to produce and disseminate an underground newspaper. the cold page.

really, it was just a sheet of paper that had a nice layout and contained articles from students and people related to the school about things that we didnt like. at the time, i at least, didnt see any merit in mixing stories of things we did like with things we didnt so the little endevour came off rather negatively. the weekend before we were going to release the first issue of the newspaper we had a release party in my parents basement. this is where i met steve and many of the other people that would become my friends in high school. we ended up getting suspended for the action and released three other issues (i am pretty sure), and i think we got suspended each time we released one.

me and alex, now.

so, i gathered the courage to go see this person, one of the better friends i have ever had in my life. i drove over to his bar, called the black rock, on addison and damen in chicago. i found a place to park, parking is hard the bigger the city, and then walked to the bar and went inside. it was strange. there werent many folks at the bar and alex stands out in a way that made me easy to find him. as with others, it was quick to fall back into i-just-saw-you-yesterday mode. we bantered for a bit, he got me a beer, and then he had to work some. he is the cook there so i went back to the kitchen and hung out with him just talking and catching up for awhile.

it was nice, it felt very natural. we talked for awhile in and out of the kitchen, and it was very enjoyable. then he called some cavlary. that cavlary was called nick perez, aka the reason i havent talked to any of these people in 5 years. see, i experienced one of my lowest most shameful moments at his and his wifes expense way back when. they were set to get married and i happened to be in town for their marriage. i wasnt invited to the wedding but attended it anyway, but i didnt go alone.

ever the sleuth i used the internet to find a date on short notice. i do not remember this persons name, but i wish i did. she agreed to have me pick her up, a complete stranger, and take her to a wedding reception where she would be surrounded by a bunch of wierd people. i appreciate the gusto to do that sort of thing, i am not sure that i would be able to do it. but she did and we enjoyed being together at the reception, consuming copious amounts of alcohol.

when the reception ended a number of us went back to the hotel where the bride and groom were staying as well as a number of people in the wedding. i wasnt staying there, and although i wasnt even invited i knew these people well enough to make it to the someones room at the hotel, where everyone was continuing the party. my date and i were getting frisky and i asked alex to steal me a room key, the key i asked for was also the wedding chamber. in my drunken stupor/lack of respect for the sanctity of marriage i took the key and went with my date to the wedding chamber and we commenced making out. i dont think we made out on the bed (complete with rose petals) but we kept on for longer than we should and eventually there was a knock on the door.

this is where the shame comes in, because clothes had to be thrown on and at the door was pretty much the entire party from the room. including the bride, the groom, the best people/maids of honor, and many of these people held the sanctity of marriage in higher respect than i did. i was berated a bit and a new room was bought, i was so drunk that i didnt really care. people were crying and i just didnt care. alex offered to take me and my date back to my car and in that space those emotions, that was the last time i saw and spoke to many of the friends that existed in my life before i moved from indiana to new york.

after the fact i felt bad and thats why i wasnt able to force myself to make amends. i decided that my life was in a different direction anyhow, so i could just cut this part loose and move on. keep my head high and never talk about what happened again. well, not so. at some point i broke down and called nick to apologize, we didnt actually talk. and then on this trip, actually when i joined facebook, i resolved to see these people again, make proper amends, apologize and move on. i like these people.

so, when nick came, i apologized to him and quickly we fell back into how things were, mostly. we were never the greatest of friends, so it is no surprise that we arent right now, but it was nice to catch up and hear that he and his wife dont hold my actions against me, that it is more of a joke to them than anything else. that is not how all of the people that were present that night feel, but the people that i know the best, luckily, they dont hold my past against me. and that is a strong building block for a relationship, forgiveness.

nick, alex, diane, now.

after nick and i caught up a bit, we started walking to my truck so i could bestow upon him a belated wedding/i'm-sorry gift that i had gotten him near flagstaff arizona. it was just a red rock, but also a symbol. while we were walking another old friend of mine came up, diane. diane and i were very close friends for a number of years, a maid of honor at nick's wedding and therefore one of the people that i had decided to never talk to again after my, um, incident.

diane made me one of the best presents i have ever gotten in my life. when i was moving to oregon she put together a little picture book that sort of gave a storyline of our friendship. there was a picture on one page and on the opposite a hand written explanation about it, it was very thoughtful and super nice. thats the type of person she is. i am constantly amazed that the people in my life, as nice and wonderful as they are, are happy to be my friend. i oftentimes dont feel like i am deserving of having such good people always there looking out for me.

diane and i caught up a bit, she has had some rough years since we last talked and it was sad to hear about them. it also made me happy to fall back into being someone that she felt comfortable telling things about her life, i just feel like an idiot for ever thinking that i could cut these folks off forever. i have people like this in portland, and i tried to cut them off and right now i feel even stupider knowing that more great people are out there and will always look out for me and i have entertained the idea of ditching them.

anyway, around this time alex got done with work and the four of us sat and drank the night away, having conversation together and separate, it was very enjoyable. at some point diane had to cut out because she worked in the morning, but alex nick and i kept on, we were in the bar until almost 4:am, at that time we went onto the roof of the bar where alex made cheese sandwiches with a blowtorch and we drank a bit more. then it was really time for bed.

alex offered for me to sleep on his couch, but he just had a room in an apartment that didnt seem very desirable with a bunch of irishmen. i opted to sleep in my truck, because i would want to sleep late and be comfortable in my own space. there were a lot of reasons, and i was happy to just be able to go back to my safe place where i didnt have many things to worry about. i quickly fell asleep and didnt wake up enough to start my day until past 11:am.

alex and i got together and went over to nicks house, but he wasnt having being awake at this time. so we left and did some shopping, then went out to lunch. mostly we just hung out as if nothing ever happened, and that is so fucking nice. then we went back to nicks and he was awake then. we hung out at his place for a bit, watched a movie and i played with his cats, they were awesome. alex went to work and i stayed over at nicks for a little bit, but eventually went back to alex's bar and used some internet. also, alex made me some of the food we had purchased earlier. that food was chicken hearts on a skewer. they were pretty good.

i was in touch with diane and she came over to the bar as well, i wanted to go out and do something, but she wasnt being very helpful for things to do. eventually we decided on going up to lincoln square to walk around and see the shops and stuff. it was nice to get out of the bar atmosphere and have more one on one time to talk with each other. i heard more about her life the past years and felt bad that i have never been the best friend to the people that i care about and that care about me. lincoln square didnt last long and we found ourselves back at the bar. she was tired and went home shortly after we got back.

i was tired also, but alex had plans for us to go out and play bar bingo after he got off, and eventually that got scrapped. instead we just went to a different bar down the street. he was there was some other friends and i was tired so i cut out of there pretty quickly...even though they had a great special: 75 cent cans of beer! i just went back to my truck and was swiftly asleep.

the next day alex and i had planned to hit some museums, with his kid. alex got married young and had a kid. i think he asked me to be in the wedding, but i said no. mostly because i wasnt around but also i wasnt really into the idea of weddings at the time. i am still not, but whatever. now alex's kid, max, is 9 years old and a real person. last time i saw him he was only 3 or 4 and very shy. we picked him up and set off for the art institute of chicago.

i had read online that it was free today, but we found that to be untrue and instead went to millenium park. millenium park, i am pretty sure, is where barack obama was crowned king of the world. it is not something that ever existed in chicago when i was coming up, so we walked around it. there was some nice sculptures and water features, and a large pavilion. in the pavilion the symphony was currently practicing so we went and watched for awhile. then we left to another museum.

this one was the international museum of surgical science. it was free today and turned out to be a pretty good museum. more off the wall than like a natural history or science museum and just easy to walk around in and not pretentious at all. max also enjoyed this place, and that was nice. he warmed up to me pretty quick and we were all having a good time hanging out together. i do admit though that it was strange to be with this kid who is a real person now and i saw when he was just a baby.

max and alex at navy pier

then we moved on. continued doing some touristy stuff that i wanted to do and max did also, alex maybe not so much but he kept up with us. next, we went to navy pier. this was a tourist trap built in the late nineties but nothing that i ever went to. we walked around and i did my best to get the two of them involving in some of my sneaking. but max, poor child, loves following the rules and alex keeps up with his kid on this front. i did get them to steal some plants and sneak around the convention center on the pier for a bit.

we were starting to get a bit pooped by then but still had more to go. we drove around for awhile and eventually made our way back to the north side, near clark and belmont. near where i spent alot of time as a youth. we walked around there and went to some stores, i bought a hat. then we were all thoroughly tired and alex had to take max back to indiana. i debated going back with them, but alex wasnt sure he would come back to chicago and i didnt really want to leave my truck and all of my things in the city without me. so i opted to stay in the city and use the internet. i think i made the right choice, but the night is still young.