the game is mostly pointless in the presence of the prize

the house i have been staying in

well, with little fanfare i set off yesterday from indiana. i woke up early to say goodbye to my father and brother as they left for work, then i went back to bed. that probably wasnt the best of ideas since i slept longer than i had wanted. i awoke around 10:am and finishied gathering my things. bobbie was up now and i was just about ready to leave when she asked me to lunch.

it sounded like a good idea so i went with her. she had to shower and get ready first, so it took awhile, but i was happy to wait because we went to a pretty fancy lunch spot and had a fabulous lunch. she dropped me back at the house and it was after 2:pm by the time i actually got on the road.

and it felt very good to be back on the road. it was certainly an odd feeling, because it was like i was starting over. i left from my home, portland, and had twinges of regret, flashes of unfinished projects and aches for the people i would miss. it was the same things when i left my home, indiana. and the desire to get as far away as possible was also there. i was determined to get out of the state of indiana before i looked back.

all the while driving through indiana, on route 20, i felt sad. i thought of the people that i was able to reconnect with and my resolutions to be a better friend to people and it all just jumbles in my head and makes me second guess. could i just turn right around, plant a flag in the sands of northwest indiana and never look back? would i be happy? for how long? am i happy now, is this constant movement and always leaving bringing me any joy? i wrestled with these questions and more as i sped through south bend, mishawaka, elkhart, angola.

and, strangely, shortly after i crossed the ohio border (about 4 hours later) these thoughts and questions were washed away and my mind was overcome with the future and new destinations, and where will the road take me questions. it was amazing how "over it" i was just because i had crossed a line on a map. i guess it is all psychological. but there was one thing that was still kind of eating at me. i didnt get a chance to say a proper goodbye to becky. now, generally, my m.o. is that once i am gone, thats it. maybe a post card and some text messages, but i dont like talking on the phone too much, it is too real. but i made an exception.

shortly after getting into toledo, i pulled up to the banks of the maumee river and sat psyching myself up to call her and say goodbye. it didnt take too long, a few jumping jacks and some air punches and the phone was out, number dialing. i was hoping for voicemail because i didnt know if i would be able to be serious and emotional enough with a real person on the other end to just say goodbye. but it went alright, i said goodbye and that i appreciated being able to reconnect with her, i wish we had more time to spend together blah blah blah. but what i really wanted to say was that she could use me as an understanding ear when she felt the need to get things off of her chest.

i was so moved the other day when she was just pouring out all of these thigns that she said she had been bottling inside of herself for so long, i am certainly a neutral character and am not going to be repeating these things, and i wanted her to know that she had a friend in the world. she may think that she has it all in her friendship with jesus, but i am pretty sure there is nothing like a real person to listen and understand. she thanked me for that and it was over. phew. becasue it was hard, and it shouldnt be. i guess this is positive growth.

it was starting to get late, so i began my search for a place to park and sleep. now, it has been a full month (omfg) since i have had to initiate this ritual. i was excited and scared, because the last time i looked the cops were called. but, with my adrenaline pumping, i found a spot and jumped in back. my cozy little home. and i was completly washed over with such a strong happiness, i cant even hold in the feeling now. i was just so giddy, i was smiling and enjoying my little secret home. the world exists outside of it, constantly, and inside nothing moves i can peer out and watch without anyone knowing that i am there.

it is such an awesome feeling, and being the freak that i am, that feeling is tops for me. it took me a long time to fall asleep. and when i woke up, i was still happy. i propped up and looked around, i had my little pantry, my bookshelves, my laundry room, dresser, creation station, everything in this 4' x 9' metal box. i think that part of me being so happy right now about it is that i am reading a book called "the dharma bums" by jack kerouac. i feel like i am living a modern day equivalent of the life he describes in that book. i may be stretching it, but thats how it translates to me. propped up in my little home i sat and read the book for a few hours before i was ready to open my doors to the day.