the hundred words war

well, here we are again. i have been staring at this screen for awhile, trying to think of a way to write...and i am coming up short. it has been a couple of days and well, here is the problem. the things that have happened in the past few days i have already relayed to muna. so now, writing, if just feels like i am repeating myself and it makes it hard for me to find the drive to write.

damnit. i am actually not unhappy about this, because i would rather spend my time and original energy for stories talking to another person than typing on a machine. but i will persevere and find a way to pound out a couple hundred words.

saturday was halloween. i spent part of the day trying to convince myself to dress up, but the other part reminding myself of my worst case scenario. that scenario involves me in a room full of strangers feeling completely out of place and terrified to talk to anyone. then i become the person that is dressed up and has a big read beard but is sitting a corner sulking. no one is talking to me becuase they dont know me and, in my fear, i look scary to them.

so, i didnt dress up. i spent the day doing something else as well, but i am not sure i remember it. i did go to chimborazo, a civil war musuem about the hospitals in and around richmond. the largest was chimborazo, and although none of the buildings still exist, there is a building on the site that is the musuem. it was small, but had some nice artifacts and stories of the war. stories of field amputations with hacksaws. there was also a 17 minute movie about chimborazo and richmond hospitals. it was free, and worth the visit.

eventually i was back at muna's continuing the costume debate when i got a text message asking if i was going to be at jlaws around four. i said sure, but hadnt checked with jen about it or knew a reason why to be there or, really, knew where her house was. i had some vague directions and an address. shortly after four i drove over to that address, except the address i had written down didnt exist.

so i walked around her neighborhood for awhile and responded to the person who texted me saying that i didnt really know where jen lived or why i should be there. she then responded that there was a small potluck, invitation only (apparently), happening at her house to celebrate her birthday. i wasnt invited to this and quickly felt out of place standing and walking around on her street, without a reason or knowledge of where she lived. so i got in my truck and drove away.

then jen called me and asked if had just parked near her home and then walked around and drove away. with my head down and a sheepish voice, i said yes. it turns out i had parked almost right in front of her house. so i turned around and went back, i felt a little bit bad for inviting myself, but it ended up working out. there werent any people there yet for the potluck and she didnt mention that i wasnt formally invited. that was nice.

so she and i had a beer (fancy beer in a can) and some other folks showed up. also, i met her housemates. i do not recall many of the names, but one of them was sean. sean i had met while i was in rva in 2004. i had completely forgotten about him and wouldnt have been able to even say that i met someone named sean until i saw his face. and then i remembered him and the place that he lived and riding my bike there and a number of other things. facial recognition is a strange thing.

but it was nice to catch up with him. he homebrews so we chatted about that for awhile. i was feeling better about being there, but everyone else was dressed up and that made me a ittle uncomfortable. shortly thereafter my new friend (or soon to be new friend), robert showed up. i had never met him before but throughout the night we became buddies. he also wasnt dressed up and i felt more comfortable.

about four more people came and then jens parents came and we sang happy birthday and had cake and ice cream. i didnt have cake or ice cream, but they did. then we hung out there for a bit, had some beers, a few more folks came, and we plotted for the evening. richmond has a yearly unpermitted halloween parade and that was our next destination. we took a number of cars there. i didnt really want to leave my truck because i didnt know when i would see it again, so i drove and two other cars drove.

the march was just starting by the time i parked and it was pretty good. it felt like a protest march at night. there were large puppets and many folks dressed up, a drum corps, a marching band, and an old timey band.

the old timey band!

i jumped in the march near someone i knew and just in front of the old timey band. i wanted them to stop and call a quick square dance, but that didnt happen. also, i had pocketed some beers so i couldnt really dance until i got rid of them lest they become shaken and unusable for hours.

so i found jlaw and robert and gave them my last two beers and by then i had lost the person i wanted to square dance with. oh well. the march was ending soon and congregating in a park. i had no idea where i was. i hung out there for a bit with jen and her folks, the marching bamd played a song, then the drum corps played some songs. jens folks left and she and i met up with some other folks that had come down from new york for her birthday. the four of us went to a package store, bought a six pack and then to roberts house to hang out for a bit.

we ended up just sitting on his porch, talking and drinking for an hour or so. then we started thinking about going to get the party started. jen was having a party at some location that was unknown to me. she went with her new york friends and i was left with robert. he was going to toss his bike in my truck and then guide me to where ever we were going. so we walked from his house, to the liquor store, to a cafe (so he could 'say hi' to a girl he was sweet on), and then finally back to my truck.

we were the first people at the party. it was awkward. but it was also a better scenario than if we had shown up into a full force party and i was cut loose without knowing anyone. this way, i got to meet the person whose house it was, and all of the first wave of people. so it was intimate and allowed me to feel comfortable in the space and in the light before being cut loose. on the drive over to the party i talked to robert about my life and my trip. i am getting better at these things. i think we became friends then. we'll see if he accepts my facebook request (fingers crossed!)

so, we partied. i met some folks as they arrived and did a good job keeping upbeat for awhile. eventually, however, more and more people broke off into a few circles of talking to one another and i didnt feel confidant enough to break into one. so i sat on the porch in the cigarette room, where it was easier to have conversations but also hell on my lungs. i danced a little, and mingled where i could. i didnt drink very much. after i drank a beer i would fill the empty can with water and drink that as if it were a beer (regulators, mount up!) but i was still feeling shitty by one in the morning.

things were winding down anyway, and i wasnt going to try to drink myself into oblivion. i felt like i was good enough to drive, so i found jen, said goodbye, and left. the problem here was that i had no idea where i was and no idea how i had gotten here. so, i was lost. i drove around for awhile and eventually righted myself on a state highway. i ended up far away from munas but at least i knew where i was. i went back to her place and promptly passed out.

in the morning i wasnt feeling any better and spent the day watching movies and eating soup. muna was coming back that day so i tidied up some and tried to make it look like i wasnt staying there. or, tried to make it look similar to when she left. the room was a bit of a mess, because the cats had strewn a number of things around the room and i hadnt been picking anything up. it didnt take long to tidy up.

when muna got back she and i sat down in her room chatting for hours. and that, really, was the best part of the weekend. we talked about a number of things that were real conversations, about us as people and how things work. i dont have conversations like that often, mostly because i am closed off and afraid to become deep with a person. strangely i am less confident in my beleifs as i age. this makes me wonder about my convictions.

we found oursleves to be similar people in many ways and that was nice, becasue she would say things that i was thinking with words that i couldnt put together. so i did a fair amount of agreeing. eventually this conversation came to a close and i was back up in the loft exept this time i didnt have all of the amneties that i had before. brie had taken them away as quickly as she had installed them. so i slept. in the morning i woke up and didnt really want to come down, so i just sat up there for awhile.

eventually i came down and woke up muna while i gathered some things. then muna and i had some breakfast together, i edited a paper for brie and took off for the day. my plan was to go to the holocaust museum. and eventually i made it there. i went downtown first, to the library for a little bit and thought about going to the folklore society but saved that for another day. around 3 or so i made it to the holocaust museum and went in.

the holocaust museum

it was intense. all of the lights were motion activated, so you couldnt see a room ahead of you. there were tons of plaques with information on them and i stood reading long enough for the lights to go off again. i went through a ghetto, a concentration camp, kristallnacht, and other things. i made it one room that had a little door that i was supposed to enter and then a tunnel for me to go through. this didnt have motion activated lights, but i could see some red lights ahead. i cheated a little bit and used my flashlight, but after i got the to red lights the tunnel turned and i was in an underground bunker with about ten mannequins on one bed, with rats and things like that.

like i said, it was intense. there was also a video with stories from holcaust survivors that settled in richmond. shortly after the tunnel there was a dark room with the names and shados of children that died in the war, an eerie voice just rattling off the names and the blue light casting a glow across the room. from there, i came to room i dont remember. oh, i know, the gas chambers and then into someplace else, the infernos, and it was just horrific. i could still hear that tv saying kids names and the words were just too much.

someone then came up to me and informed me that the museum was closing, i was only partway through the museum so i left and will go back to finish it soon. later i will attend at art show by my new friend robert and settle in for the week.