my life conundrum

as a child and pre-teen i was a shadow. when i was a teenager i was punk rock. in my early twenties i thrived on travel and new experiences. in my mid twenties i was an activist. it my late twenties i dont feel like i am anything.

this is magnified by these current travels. when i go places where i dont know anyone i have a hard time just meeting new people. i am too mainstream to fit in with the counter culture/punk rock/travel kids and i am too jaded to fit in with the mainstream folks.

i probably could find myself at home with the congregation of activist folks, but that requires commitment and conviction that i am not convinced i have any longer. plus, i think it would be cheating any folks that i got involved with if i were going to be as transient as i currently am.

in reality i think most of my life i have felt like i dont fit in anywhere well. i think i fit in with activists folks so easily because i had tasks. simple or complex, if given a task i have a great mind and ability to complete it. i can usually direct others well in the pursuit of completing a task. but right now i dont have that. i dont have a task to give myself, a common goal with the various parts of me. so i just kind of fester in a mode of stasis. just barely doing the things that make me alive and kind of sleepwalking through the rest of my days.

hopefully the change i seek is on the horizon.