my forgotten history with tiffany promise.

well, something that i had thought of before i left was writing an apology to all of the cats that ive had in my life and have left. because i remember there being a lot of them. however i had forgotten that i lived with any cats in ny with tiffany. from the pictures it looks like there were 4 or 5... and that is just the beginning of the things that i dont recall.

it really is a shitty situation, not having a clear memory of my past. i do remember many things, i remember people pretty well, and the places but the things that actually happened i guess that is just fodder that gets dismissed from my memory banks. tiffany chatted with me for awhile last night about our past together and there are just so many things that she remembers and i have no memory of, but when she tells something starts to clear.

like our apartment in ny, it was a huge apartment. 3 bedrooms above a convenient store (which i conveniently worked at) a large living room and a small kitchen. when you walked into the apartment there was a long hallway and my bedroom was immediately on your right. i remember liking it because i could come into the apt without anyone having to know.

downt the hallway opened up into the living room and then again to the right was a little cove, if i recall, with the bathroom centered between tiffanys room and virginias room. virginia, we wont get into her since there was really no interaction between us and we dont know where she is now.

if you walked left through the living room you would come to the windows overlooking the street and then turn right to the entrance of a small hallway like kitchen. i absolutely believe that i couldnt have gotten past the hallway last night.

and the hallway is something i had forgotten about too. at some point i commissioned my artist friends to paint a mural on the hallway, a cityscape that featured tiffany and virginia in it. and on the other side of the hallway...well i dont have pictures of that. oh, and this was when i painted my room entirely black.

the things i dont remember could fill a lifetime.

i have forgotten much of the events between sept 2001 and sept 2002. the basics that i knew before last night were that i worked for my dad, had a little house in calumet township, partied alot. and then in the last few weeks of august 2002, i have some better memories. steve came to visit from santa barbara, my brother fired me, i moved to portland with steve. tiffany came to visit, she stayed at my house for a couple weeks, we partied alot. etc.

but apparently, in sept 2001, tiffany also came to visit. she lived at my house for the two weeks when i was at fire school, by herself with her cat. another cat. there are pictures and they force me to remember. she lived there for about a month before my brother kicked her out.

but for that year she came back multiple times and stayed. why dont i just remember these things? i always knew that tiffany was a big part of my life and we had been through many things together. i always just associated those things with ny, or when she came to visit me in olympia, the last two weeks of my life in indiana.

it was hard listening to the things. i felt bad for not remembering, but also overwhelmed. i kept a journal from the time but it wasnt about things that were going on around me with people, it was things that were going on inside my head, ideas and things.

i just wish i were present for more of my own life.